.to.each.his.own.

day 4...3 more days to go..

at this point of time,i need him badly..last night i was so shagged,all i think about is him..coz i needed him..it's like after a long day at work,all i needed was to hear his voice..make me better..though i noe i wont get that..but how i wish...

i was having dinner when mum sat at the chair next to me..she asked me again whether there's any job vacancies in my department..that question is for my cousin's wife,which had been bugging me for the past month.i said i dunno.and it requires computer skills.and mum said.."*sigh*..u keep on saying u havent check..dun u want to help her??" i swear i felt my vein bursting soon...i kept quiet and played with my food..i was so damn pissed..i just ignored her..she then nagged and i just turned a deaf ear..went to my room and i was already throwing things everywhere..more like venting my anger on the things that came my way..and there,i needed ej.

so this morning..getting ready for work...mum said.."didi..u kept wasting ur money on nonsense..(i dunnoe when's the last time i bought unneccessary things)look at maya..she's trying so hard to get a job..at least she's not a spend thrift like you." damnit..i feel like giving 2 cents of my mind,balls..and i noe that will create a huge squabble..so i kissed her hand and cheek and went out of the house without saying a word.in the bus,i tried to shut her words from playing in my head..but it was hard..it hurt real bad..for the whole 21 years of life mum nvr compared me to any other..and now??why?wat did i do wrong here??

it's not my fault that her whole life she's been working f&b line and she only have 'n' levels..it's not my fault that she doesn't noe how to use the computer..it's not my fault that she don't take her own initiative by finding jobs for herself,instead depend on MY mum to choose and help her..it's not my fault that she's not outspoken enough during interviews..it's not my fault that she has a kid and my cousin cant afford that much..it's not my fault my aunt who's her mum-in-law's mean to her eventhough ppl had advised her not to be so crude..so where does it stand that i owe her that much to make my life miserable and relationship with mum strained?!

sure mum gets the attention from her coz she doesnt work and her kids are busy working,trying to get a decent living..and happily my cousin's wife would call every morning..coz she has no job,obviously she has the time in the world...but mum,it doesnt mean we have no time for u at all..i'm sorry that i've not been spending time..i noe ur intention's clear that u just wanna help her..but mum,dun u think she's taking advantage of u??u cant depend on me to get a job for her..it's not that i dun wanna help..i just find it weird to work with a relative..and i cant afford to lie to u,mum..that's y i didnt lie to say there's no vacancies..all i find myself doing is shutting self up.coz my department needs manpower..but i dun wanna tell u a lie..coz i noe i suck at it and will feel so guilty..mum,i just need u to noe that she's depending too much on u..and i noe u feel special coz somehow she looks up to u..but dun let the relationship with me drift away,just coz of a person..for someone,who may be just a stranger if she's not married to my cousin...

i noe maya meant well and i noe she's in need of jobs..i noe she has a gd heart and she's a good person..but mum,dun compare me with her..coz she's depending on u..coz she wants u to go to the extra mile for her own benefit..and when she finally work,do u think she'll call u still every morning??i doubt it..nevertheless,im sorry mum..i love u always and nothing can break that..but i wish that u could see regardless tired or happy,ur daughter is still standing next to u...and i just wish im still perfect and the best in ur eyes..

happy thursday,all...