.my.own.star.

who we are..

on saturday afternoon ej book out from camp..hence went as planned..i met apom,zul and mil at kembangan mrt to break fast together..we walked all the way to kampong chai chee restaurant which mil had booked the day before..apom kept on complaining about the distance and the hot weather.sheesh!!alas we got our ass there and settled down,choosing the food to order..ej came a short while later with his eyebrow piercings on which caught me by surprise as i thought it's closed already as apom went off to fetch sitt from the station..

we all had good laugh and talk..i kept asking ej to hold me as i miss him so but we knew we could not,due to the seats occupied by makciks and pakciks..the rice arrived late,although the dishes came rite after we ordered,which turned cold at the sound of azan..famished as we gobbled everything down..we crossed and each had a fag as sitt and i played 'catching' after knowing ej spilled the secret to her..and i kept asking who until...dang..my own bf..blardy!!took the bus to joo chiat for mil to get the ethnic costume for her bro..ej too..we walked..we were complaining..we wanted to get out..so damn hot and crowded..from joo chiat to city plaza(which i chose the lime green costume for ej as it's the same clr as mine..:) )..back to the bazaar for apom to devour his dendeng cravings..and so we walked back to paya lebar station with sitt's dangdut song being stuck in each of our minds..bah! "stop!kau mencuri hatiku..hatikkkuuu!!!" god..u can just imagine how annoying that was..from sitt to mil..to ej..and then i found myself singing it..it just got stuck.yes.with a very annoying high pitched voice..all of us,that is..lol

decided on punggol at yishun..to chill out..it was past 10pm by then..in the train sitt and i insulted this woman from china who wore realli skimpy clothings..her butt cheeks can be seen and if i were to push that strap bag,i swear her pussy can be seen as well.that was how short her hot pants was and damn she's fugly..i wonder if she even understand the dissings we shouted to each other due to us sitting across from another..

reached yishun,bumped into arman as i talked to tsue for a but over the fone and chilled at punggol..the name of the coffee shop..ordered milo and talked..taufiq came by and sitt and her hubby went off for home..past midnight..i wondered when i'll be getting my ass off for home..we were deciding on places to go..as mil walked off from zul from a tiff they had..apom wanted to get toiletries..suggested mustafa centre..then ej suggested something else to me..decided on that..nearing 2am we got our ass off,finally and cabbed to our destination..

we were late as we woke up feeling so groggy and sleepy..it was 6.30am as we joined the morning commuters..sweet enuf to send me off to tamp int as early as morning i was already giving him a stupid joke..fagged at our usual spot and waited for his bus this time as he's always doing that for me..and so we talked about brunei and ns and all..

ard 5pm we talked again,after getting our ultimate rest at home..he didnt wanna go back to camp..i didnt want him to either..but we both noe he has to go..he assured and reassured me as i cried over the fone of the things that we wish..the time,the effort,the yearns...i noe i got him...i've always got him..and that makes me love him ever more,no matter wat..

he'll be booking out 2mrw nite and we'll mit..and we'll see if over the weekends we'll get to see each other due to hari raya family visits..sigh...at least i'll still get to hear ur voice each nite,baby..

happy monday,angels..

in time it ticks..

did my spring cleaning for my room last nite..everything finished at 1am...i seriously gotta stop sleeping so late at nite..and i've been talking in my sleep..that's how shagged i am..sigh..

ej called last nite..giving me 13 miss calls..i was in the shower..gee..but thank god he had not surrendered his mobile..he's on 4 days off from training..after that 4 days,back to all those marching jogging and suchnots..kinda worried..but rite now i'm not realli that bothered...i dunnoe..im feeling mellow and trying to be numb to all those things that i've been feeling or talking to him about..2mrw bros back from qatar for hari raya..over there eid mubarak is the wildest ocassion..whereby holidays had been prolonged just to celebrate that day...woots to that,while for myself,it's only for one day..anw,im not feeling well rite now..i dun feel like blogging..so tra~~ loves..

happy thrusday,babes

.you.will.always.be.my.baby.

running thru my head..

i had been feeling depressed lately..with no appetite to eat and always feel so lethargic..breakdowns for no reason and always a dread to do something..all i wanna do is to coop myself in my room,lie on the bed and just stare at the empty ceiling above me..reason for it all?i have no idea..prolly ej and his rifleman thingy..or maybe i just feel so tired every single day from work and not having enuf rest makes all problems pile on my shoulders...i've been popping piriton pills just to have a good sleep..no,not addicted yet..

talked to mum about ej abt him being a rifleman and how disappointed i am in meeting him only on weekends..mum said that if i really wanna be with him,i gotta have patience and i gotta endure..mum says that he's suffering and i gotta give my support..i said that he's not the only one as im suffering too..and i noe that i'll be damn upset if i dun get to see him during weekends..for 2months i've endured that weekends thingy..and now for the rest of his ns life i gotta endure as well..sigh..i do wanna be with him..but it's tough,balls...it's realli an obstacle..

ej's dad and i talked over the fone..it was nice talking to him as whenever i go over to his place,i find myself being shy to talk informally with his dad..somewat awkward..prolly the lack of a male figure in life had made me feel distanced and weird when talking to a fatherly person..but his dad had made me feel comfortable in talking to him over the fone as we talked about ej and all..

ej got back from cmpb and had his x ray of his knee done..we talked over the fone since morning..an awesome morning for me,i'd say..can't wait to see him soon..

with love,dids.

.my.beautiful.

when life is..

i dun feel like blogging but rite now let's just write it all down for memories' keepsake..brief,yet i noe it'll be etched in my mind after readin it all..on friday after work he fetched me at loading bay..suppose to follow him for his jamming..but i was upset and i did the most stupidest thing ever..yes,i walked off from him again.fug..i noe i shouldn't..but i followed my emotions too much..sigh..sucky..and yes,i did gave him some profanities bfore departing..i was sucha bitch for doing that..and almost i wanted to end it all..end of the day i took back my words..i noe for sure i needed him and it was all out of anger..im sorry..

.saturday.
we went out and had our dinner at ps.waited for zul and apom and we got ourselves couple ring..cheesy,i noe..very cliche but hey..i trust that this ring will bring us to the dreams we have..and im very much happy with it..waited for sitt to finish work at cotton on and we all went off..bumped into azri at platform and we took the train ride home..

.sunday.
initial plan was to go over to his place..but decided to cab to our destination and i can say that that was the best ever!!okay..prolly u guys already have things in mind of wat happened,well the sins are between me and god.and it wouldn't affect ur life now,rite?hence the body connects as profanities were thrown only to see each other in hunger..thrash it all..

.monday.
he books in today..i spent last night talking to him and coaxing his upset self as he do not wish to return to camp..guess that 10days was pure joy for him despite the fights we had.he was very relunctant to go back to camp..he sounded so sad and i wish i was next to him at that moment to hug him better..that was the only 2nd time i hear/see him being sad to go..we talked from dusk and he was already in the bus otw to camp..tried to converse in a cheery voice and fought myself from falling back to sleep..finally he had reached his camp..

he called while i was in the bus otw to work..he's been posted as a rifleman.and now's the time where i dun feel like blogging...as this is wat wan text me "it's the worst vocation anyone could get. gng in and out of the jungle nearly everyday. as usual book out on weekends. very lucky to get a friday book out, if that happens."
for the rest of his ns life he gotta do this.i admit im very much upset and cried in the bus..and i noe he has no control over it..but for the rest of his army life..gosh..and zul texted and said that rather than swearing at him for something beyond his control,i should be giving him my utmost support.yes...i noe i should be doing that..a glimmer of hope..i just need him back..coz i dun wish to see him only on weekends for the rest of this ns..i will be missing u....i am missing you..

joy,my love..bring back the smile..

happy monday,addicts.

.life.is.of.black.and.white.

in ur presence..

i woke up feeling groggy and my head was throbbing..ally was sick and had high fever..i think i'm sick too..i'm feeling so warm and my throat hurts..prolly not enuf rest and too much fags..or prolly plain sick.

yesterday his dad text me to call him,to wake him up to fetch his bro as his mum's not at home..i talked to a pissed off voice and i hung up as i couldnt be bothered anymore to talk to him after relaying the message..then after,his mum called me..i had to call him again to ask him to call his mum.and he hung up on me this time..bfore that,he gave a few shoutings bfore ending the call..a very happy 9 months,huh?sigh..

i decided to think thoroughly of the decision i was contemplating..i was still at work,i couldnt concentrate so much as the heart was yearning to shout,only letting it all be a silent scream..finally i took up the courage to text him words i was unsure,yet the best that i could think of..i couldnt take the screaming i get every nite,the hang ups i had to endure,the false hopes everytime..i found myself texting words of contempt as i couldnt take all the cuss and swears being thrown..i then decided that it's best to end things..yet i was still unsure..unwillingly..

he texted asking me whether it's all joke..a plead at the end as i found one being on mercy..yet it disgusts me as a call was received and there he was asking me not to end it,yet he was still shouting..the reception was not of help as his voice kept breaking off..for all i noe he screamed his lungs out as i caught offguard and hastily hung up the fone due to shock and being frightened..

i was shivering mad and my heart full of anger and disappointment..i didnt noe wat to do..i was helpless as i chose the decision that came the first thing in my mind..impulsive as i made the decision clear of where to mit and time to pass his stuff back..

he called again as he consoled me,apologising for all the profanities being thrown at me for the past few days..i cried as the guy beside my desk threw glances and gave a "are u okay" look..naz was there for me thruout as she hugged and calmed me down..thank you..informed him that i'll give a call once im home..as im still at work..there's no privacy and i couldnt think clear..he apologised again and pleaded for things not to end.."9 months to waste..when all these while we've endured everything.." and so he said..yet i guess endurance had nvr been part of me..or maybe i've endured too much that now it really had triggered my button..

i forgot about the call as finally he called me and talked to me..in the wee hours in the morning he called again as he just reached home..i was already fast aslp when 'the fallen' kept ringing..we talked.i cried.he was trying so hard to be patient as i let all my emotions out..i told him how things had changed and how degrading i felt when he screams at the other end..he said that he dun wanna lose me..as much as i love him..yes,still no matter wat..i just can't do this..honestly i can't..

i swallowed my ego and let it all come in..let him break my defensive manner and decided mind and thought about how things will be after losing him..that is when i realise that i do need him..and the former was such a haste decision..the best,yet an impulsive manner..he promised not to shout anymore..and i begged him for the guy that i once knew..the one that's always been near perfect during our ite days..and during bmt..the one that i've always known and been comfortable with..not the monster that had emerged suddenly..nothing is of a happy ending..but yesterday i felt all the dampend feelings lift up as i close my eyes for a good sleep..

happy friday,love

.within.ur.f*cking.self.

so wat happened....?

happy 9 months..i can't be bothered anymore..yest i didnt make any effort in calling nor texting him..only him calling me and myself at the end of work..while i was downloading projects to be assigned to my colleagues he gave a call and told me that he's bored..his mum went out and he had to take care of his younger brother..and so i asked.."so what do u want me to do?" he said that he wants to go out..asked "with?" he said out with me..and so he said once his mum comes home,he'll go out and meet me..

remember me saying i can't be bothered in asking him out anymore and he should make the plans not me?well..since he did,i agreed to mit him..FUCK!!

he called again and told me that he can't go out the next day,in which he has session..so he'll substitute to go yesterday..i was like huh?thought u're gng out with me..fug yes,i gotta be understanding.but tell me,fucking tell me how am i to understand when this had happened too many of a time?it's like he was the one who asked me out.HIM.not me.HE was the one who wanted to mit me,to kill his boredom.and alas bail out on me?!WAT THE EFF!!i was so pissed off..always.ALL THE EFFING TIME this will happen..it's like im so happy that i get to mit him..and then he had to give a second call to inform that it's cancelled???for session...fug ej.FUCK.

he gave me multiple hang ups as the conversation hung in the air..i was still effing pissed off and god noes how much i wanted to punch something..and my heart in a knot full of rage..since 6plus yesterday evening..all the way till now,no calls nor texts from him..and for myself,i dun wanna be bothered anymore.

9 months my fucking ass.it's all the same.all over again.

btw sorry for the profanities,dear readers..happy thursday,all.

.if.it's.time.to.be.alone.or.rather.hanging.by.the.phone.

dids,ira,nysh



the days that we count..stars that we found..

after work yesterday met up with babes to break fast together..omfg!!i just miss them so!!nysh and ira..it's like a month since we mit up..the last was my surprise bday celebration and it's realli great to see them again..yes,i miss them..upon crossing,i saw ira..and i was already smiling to myself..threw her a hug as we walked ard thinking of places to chill..finally decided to just sit at ramen ten to wait for nysh..

it's under renovation and it was quite stuffy and the tables and chairs were too close..there wasn't any privacy..it's like the ppl at the other table can just hear us talking..nysh came..like finally..after choosing food,we ordered..lotsa talks and time flew us by as we saw the crowd thinning and our tummy bloated..bah!!so fat..had a fag and waited for the victoria secret's bag that i had ordered..popped by to see audrey and she gave us chanel samples..from mascara to facial products from chanel,balls..woots!!how cheap can we get??yea..hahah..

plan was to surprise tsue at her place..well,we did..but..the party's over.ha!!tsue was already washing the dishes and the mum was already aslp..hahahh!!!k..we were late..but she was surprised coz we told her we couldn't come..so wat else..we camwhored with her slr...hhahaha!!chilled and talked while nysh made many bloopers and airhead moments as we were all too shagged to let our brains work properly,of course except for ira who had bummed at home all these while.sheesh!!lucky ass!!

finally tsue's bro came home and so he sent all of us home..got home late..shagged..it was near 12midnight..but hey..HAPPY BIRTHDAY,TSUE BABY!!baby my ass...dah 21..dah tua!!!

i think i gotta stop gng home so late..since saturday i've been reaching home near midnight..next day i would be working..so which means i have yet to get my ultimate rest..sucky..im mentally,physically and emotionally drained out..sssooo tired..each morning i had to literally drag my arse to shower..

called ej last night as he waited for me to wash up..we talked and he told me something...i realli wonder,ej..will u blame me for asking u out?i have 10 days.we have 10 days..and i wanna make full use of each day that had been given to us..but i see us fighting at the end of the day..and when i ask when will i see u again?god noes that it might just be next week.hell,i wouldn't be surprised..by the rate we're gng,i think might as well u go back to bmt where we make it a point to anticipate each call and each mit ups every weekend.fug..u dunnoe how much this 10days means to me..and dun u blame me for asking to mit up..but u noe wat now?i dun bother..i dun want to bother asking u anymore..coz i noe i'll get the same reason.."everyday i go out..i need to be at home.." the last time i saw u was monday..that is not everyday..i'm not asking too much..i just need a day to spend with u again..so that i can make proper planning..work,family,frens.and if u're gng to prioritize who's important,then it's time to think about it thoroughly.ur frens..yes..fine.but dun u even think of blaming me for gng out everyfuggingday when i hardly see u anyways..and dun say things that u noe will nvr happen..coz im too pissed off with u..im too pissed off with u shouting every single nite at me when things are not fine..im still keeping my cool,ej..u're a step closer to crossing that line..dun take advantage of my silence..u can shout,and i'll talk to u patiently still..back then we'll have a shouting match..but eversince u told me that dun like it,i tried hard to please u...and now looks who's shouting..contradicting,isn't it?yea..i think we both have issues.

oh btw ej..2mrw we turn 9...happy 9 monthesary..
*rolls eyes*

happy wednesday to u all..

.liyla.

desires burn..

on saturday we had another tiff..i was very upset and disappointed..badly..he had his training in the morning,then after it's done,he called and gave me some bad news which had left me appalled..i was fumng mad,not that i showed it much,more like disappointed..after hanging up,then it all hit me..ggoooddddaaammmnnniiiitttt!!!!

after much thinking,decided to mit up after breaking of fast..pipi and ally went down to mit him first as i was a wee bit late..they waited at neptune and from behind i hugged him..off to tmart to get our dvds and pipi's stuffs and all of us took a cab to orchard,to george's condo..it's funny how the cab fare wasn't expensive..still makes me think..

anyways,reached there and watched tv while ej was still in awe with g's condo..we watched music and lyrics,by then it was past 9.45pm..decided to part ways..we went to the swimming pool at the top floor..it's an open area and fug...awesome..the view and all..ffuuugggg...and so we said our gdbyes to pipi and ally as they went back to the house while ej and me cabbed to our destination..

first and foremost,i would like to say that i love him..no matter wat..and the nite was spent in ecstasy as his snores brought me to sleep...

so sunday came and we cabbed to tamp int..had subway and off home..

.monday.
work is tiring..i woke up wishing not to go to work..i didnt have the meeting-cum-interview as manager was on childcare giver leave..so i dunno when the whole discussion will take place..anyways after work accompanied naz to her bf's place to collect some stuff from his mum..we freaking walked all the way to int back again..just to kill time and of course,we entertained ourselves crazy..finally ej called to say he's otw with wan the mark the himbo..and yes,wan will always be so annoying..they had collected the ipod video at woodlands and was otw to meet me..awesome..

i swear the whole nite was full of restrictions as they didn't let me touch the ipod video neither wan's itouch.CB!!since i didnt noe wat to eat,decided on pastamania after the boys had their dinner at food culture..yes,one and a half hour to decide..sheesh!!anw,babe called me at night..we talked till past 1am..i was damn shagged..and he teased.."chey...someone's got an ipod video..." i was like huh!?!?coz i swear i thought the ipod video was for him.so wan!!!there's not reason for me to say thank you coz i realli thought it's his,okay!!but ooouukkkaaayy...so now i noe...

THANK YOU!!!!

thank you for searching for an ipod video at sim lim square..thank you for gng thru the net to search on it..thank you for gng all the way to woodlands and wan,accompanying my ej to collect it coz he's scared as it might be a false one..thank you for coming all the way to mit me..thank you for making sure everything's in order..thank you,thank you..well,prolly i've said many thanks after both of u robbed me of money,rite???yes,wan?!?!hahahaha...okay..the treat last nite is for the appreciation.hahaha...seriously..thank you ej my ghumbra and wan the mark!!

love,
annoying me..happy tuesday!!

.myriad.

a person's jovial..a man for himself..

woke up this morning with a great mood to start the day..the fact that it's friday and it's ej's pop,i opened my eyes with a smile..upon reaching my workstation and reading thru my email,this is wat i received from my manager..with regards to the proposal he asked the other time..hence my teamleader urged me to follow up with him about it..hence,this:

Hello Siti,

I would be more than happy to recommend you for contract but before that Dolly and I would need to sit down with you and we will need to discuss your KPIs as a CRO moving forward. Let's catch up early next week for this discussion. Thanks.

i was beyond elated as i noe that my effort had been recognised and instead of staffs approaching the manager,it was the other way round..kudos to myself..and yes,did i say i was beyond elated?last nite the guy that i texted with texted again..i wish it all to stop..things dun matter to u now..and i've stated my purpose by apologising on the past that had been forgotten..so let's just put everything to a stop.

i was happy..yes..i was..ej called just now..he had just finished his pop..i was giggling to myself..and i was so happy for him..well done,love i said..and then he said a few string of words full of news i wish not to hear..the fact that everything was planned and i was looking forward to 2mrw...the day that i'll see him on the whole full day...yet,it'll nvr happen..it'll nvr fucking happen.

call me petty,call me a brat.i dun care with wat brands been stamped.all i noe is that i hate false hopes.when one's aniticipating,i dun see a reason to burst that person's bubble..but bubble'd been burst too many of a time.and i'm getting too sick and tired of this.of getting this stupid feeling of the heart slowly cracking into two.and tears welling in my eyes and holding it all back.sick and tired of the hiccups in plans..coz it had always been like this..u nvr fail to ensure plans dun work out as much as u nvr fail to make me anticipate for that day.fug.

i'm too pissed off to begin with.fone's ringing.he's calling.eff off,okay?anw,it's realli disappointing.sure,we'll spend the night together.but wat abt the afternoon that had been planned?the restaurant i had in mind?the places that we shall go in the evening bfore we blissfully give our utmost attention..wat about it all?

dun go back on ur words,boy.

u noe how much i fucking hate.

.FUCKING.HATE.IT.

period.

happy friday.eff off now.

.ignite.the.funeral.pyre.

an insult to memory..

how annoying..i called this policyholder to wish her happy birthday..she couldnt speak english,hence conversed in mandarin..after wishing her,she talked to me in english..wtf!!!i just got punk'd!blardy annoying effers..and she was complaining abt the lack of follow up from her agent..in english!!!damnit..

have u ever felt guilty for doing something?for something that had nvr mattered,yet after a while,realised that u feel regretful abt it?i did..it's when looking back of how things go..and then news upon a few days back..and i was eating my own words..an insult to memory,an insult to one's effort..i couldnt afford to prolong that guilt.annonymously i went,and if that person chanced upon my blog,then hello now..u noe who i am..apologies for the past.though to u it didn't matter,but might as well voice my sorry so that i dun have to feel guilty anymore..

ej called last night after his co nite..party,bitches!it wasn't a good conversation,i'd say..coz end of call i was already sighing and feel shitty..u noe wat..i dun feel like blogging..

happy thursday,all.

.i.received.the.text.that.you.sent.

freeeeeeezing cold...

sometimes i wish to bring gloves to work..those thick,durian ones or the posh-looking ones..coz it'll always be cold eventhough the temperature had been increased to make it warmer..*teeth chatters*

on monday nite i was taking pics of the three kids..decided for them to play dress up..damn cute!!with their oversized hat,spiky wig that my brother owned for halloween and graduation hat..check out my frenster pics..damn cute,la!!anw,didnt go to work yesterday..i woke up with a throbbing head and found myself seated at the computer at home,gng online..hence uploaded the pics..so lazed at home,with texts from babes and dudes,planning the day to break fast together..so far,4 invites and i dun even noe when i can sssqqquuueeeezzzeee the time with myself working and a need to go geylang to get my other ethnic custome..let's see..nysh and ira,on the 16th,which falls on tsue's bday,but i bet she'll be celebrating with mr arman or her family..so that's fine..then there's rai and fhil..and zul and mil..then,there's johnny and liz..so..10days after pop would be ej's freedom..since he need not book in nor book out..woots to that,but i'll be working..still not enuf time..but it'll be fine..i hope..

ej called last night..and we talked for freaking one hour,balls!!though there were lots of need to hang up to check his rifle with his sargeant.but still!!an hour!!it was great as we didnt get to talk the day bfore..he's so excited for his pop..and i am too..and it was realli nice listening to his voice..at the end of the conversation he sounded so tired..it realli sucks when i dun hear anymore happiness in the call..oh wells..2 more days..then saturday,a whole day with him... :D

just checked my payslip via internet..last month was the most that i ever got thruout working here..i'm very much contented with myself.but once the proposal made by my manager kicks in,i'll get more pay..coolio wakiki..i'm very,very much happy..so let's fill our tummy wummy,pamper ourselves crazy on saturday,shall we??
and yea..woke up at the break of dawn to eat..took out my tongue stud..went to work,lit a fag.DIDI!!!!gah!!!i wonder when will be the first of realli fasting..2mrw??i realli hope so..discipline,didi...so stop chewing on that gum u're eating now!!anw,it was so weird talking to policyholders without any stud in my mouth..i kept slurring and it just felt empty..i guess i'm not used to it...and kerin gave me a star ring..very cute..love it..okay!!2 more days!!and i've just booked an appointment..and tonight,i'll sssoo be pampering myself..hoho!

happy wednesday,starlights..

.fire.through.the.night.

yes,baby...very bitttcchhyy..

see the contrast??hurhur..

when darkness falls..

on friday i didnt get to mit him..i was already home,awaiting for his call..he only called past 9pm,telling me that he wont be able to book out..in fact they were being confined..fug..knowing me,i got upset over it..not his fault..coz of his stupid platoon mate who came late when they were suppose to fall in..bubble burst!

so on saturday woke up extra early just so i could finish my book..the one that i've been talking abt..yes,i've finished it,at last!!awesome,marvelous,brilliant,wat-u-may-call-it after finishing a good read.he just booked out and was with his dad to get his award..woots!!boyfren's smart ass..congrats,love..then after he went to wan the mark's place for session..watched tv and fell aslp..decided to shower and have some food..still wasnt able to fast..still no calls..everyone went out,i was left alone..finally the call came..at 7pm i got out as there he was,waiting at the void deck..i was all smiles...

while waiting for the bus,he hugged and we swayed and held tight as he sang the morning march song..the song that i noe reminds him of me..we kept gazing at each other's eyes and he kept making me laugh..then he told me that for his p.o.p,there's only 2 tickets given...i was so sad..i couldnt go..obviously..and i would rather see him march and see him and be proud of him for that moment...but he can't be blamed..

we took the train and went to city hall..bumped into rina and said our olas..we walked to marina square and decided on spageddies..suddenly he was craving for fast food instead. -.- babe..we were all the way at city hall and our dinner's fast food??*smacks forehead* went to all-the-time burger king and we talked abt future..plans and wat's been gng on that we have yet to update each other..after having a fag after dinner,he said.."i want my gf to withstand the rain.." i shrugged and said sure,y not??as i see all couples hudled in the corner at the shelter or couples walking with an umbrella..i did bring the umbrella he bought for me..but oh hell..let's play in the rain,shall we??it was fun..it was cold and pouring..and i slide thru..and he kept smiling to himself..i was having so much time..been a while since i played in the rain..much more fun when ej's with me,of course..went off for home after and bumped into khai,mulysa..yes,he has hair..and tsue,babe, he sent his regards..

he kept making faces in the train.hugged me close as he sang in my ear..aaww..decided to wait for zul at tamp int,although it was past 11pm..hafiz the uncle called..eh!!i saw u and ej..turn back..im at 969..after getting our sweet talk,we went to 969 and from across talked to him..his hair's long now..haha..time ns,snip,snip,snip..and no bitchy moment from him..so kental..bah!hahah..so anyways,ej and i sat at the place where we always have a fag..listened to songs,cuddled here and there and finally zul came..past 11.30pm..sssoo slow..

parted ways,sunday came..

slept all alone as pipi and ally were at g's.talked to ej and was already missing him bad.i was thankful that he waited till 2am just so i could wash up..he waited although he was so sleepy and tired..thank u.i woke him up that morning and we talked.i fell aslp back again and realised damn,was late!rushed to the shower and grabbed watever things..packed my bag,kissed mum and she wanted to slice some cake for ej's mum..but it was not ready yet..decided to give on another day and off i went..in the bus i realised how upset i am for not being able to attend his pop..sigh..oh wells..reached his place..he was still in the shower..his mum had cooked porridge..she took some for me,eventhough she was fasting..i felt bad..helped myself with water and played with his brother..his mum talked and we laughed and ej finally emerged from the showers..while he was packing up and i was busily chatting with his mum,he smiled and mouthed 'i love you..' i gave a sheepish smile..and his mum smiled,knowing a secret was being shared.. :D

we kept holding hands and in the bus he hugged me..i rested on his arm and intertwine our fingers..went to royal sporting house in search of his tights..friction while running,baby..ouch..and all the way he held my hand although we're walking through narrow aisle.silly boy..and when i parted my hands with his to flick a strand hair or to get something in my bag,his hand was awaiting..aaww..took the train to cck..

fagged and off waited for the bus..he said that he hate it when we gotta part our ways..but we noe he has to go..then on saturday,since our pay comes in by wednesday,we shall enjoy the rest of that 10days..yeay!!

called pipi..she was still at g's.decided to cab back home after miting her..while in the train otw to orchard he called..time was 9pm.he gotta surrender at 9.40pm.and he's in charge at that pt of time..*proud moment*we talked..laughed..saying he misses me so much..and was tickled by mark,his camp mate's antics..it was sucha great way to end that day..

reached orchard and took the bus to g's.a lone condo which is fucking awesome.got in..george gave a cheery hello and sat blissfully on the comfy sofa..watched tv and laughed with him..yes,future bro-in-law..went in ally's room,where she was hiding in the laundry basket..hurhur..so cute..carried her out and more talks with g..then after decided to head home with pipi and ally...

great night,awesome 2 days..no sulkings(hehehe..) and full of hugs and decent lovings..thank you,ej..i love you..

happy monday..xoxo.

.over.a.black.veil.

i shall march with pride..

yesterday felt so shagged after work..just remembered that ej might not be able to call me that night..due to his march at east coast from 9pm to 4am..my spirits dampened as all i needed was his voice..reached home,lazed ard and continued on my book..

while preparing the table to break fast,(not that i was,but was helping mum)i heard a distant ringtone of 'the fallen'.i was like ej!!!and dropped everything and rushed to my fone..gosh..i was overwhelmed..as early as 7pm he had called..we talked and he told me how his day went..i was still surprised and was still in a way all over the call..he laughed and we did our best to make the call worthwhile.at 7.10 he had to hang up..i asked him to please text me before surrendering his mobile

which he did..

and so today's the day that finally i'll be in his arms again..and i've been keeping track of time...to wish that the call would come soon..of informing me that he book out already..and then..we'll meet and have a great evening...coz i miss him so..and there's still 2mrw... :D

happy friday,babes.

.spiteful.vengeance.

'a piece of my life', 'arena of concealment' by caliban. these are the 2 songs on replay mode every morning to work. and yes,it'll always be a great morning..

last night was lazing on the couch,reading the book 'a thousand splendid suns'.i think that's the title.all i noe it's the book after 'kite runner'.and yes,the book im reading is realli awesome..it's abt how the girls in afghan live..and how they are being married to men at such a young age.gosh..it was real hard to put the book down,though i was already so sleepy...

ej called and instead of himself sounding so tired,it seems as though it was my turn..in the afternoon i had too much things on my mind..work+ej+renting of houses had made me so shagged..i was an airhead once i reached home.hence i didnt sound as happy as the boy on the other line..he asked why and informed i sounded sad..i told him that it's nothing and we should just brush it off..was just plain tired..but he,being the person that loves me,noes me too well and said.."u missed ej,huh?u missed the old me?" there,i started crying..

he apologised for the things that shouldnt have mattered..he apologised for changing,of being tired each time..and myself,i just dun see the reason for the apology..he didnt do anything wrong..it's not his fault for being tired every nite..training's tough and all..all i wanted was the old him back..that tired,yet happy bf that i once knew..not the tired and grumpy bf that i've been with for the past few days..

he did promise me last 2 nights he'll text me..so i reminded him and he asked how many texts that i want..and i said 'ten thousand.' and we laughed and started negotiating..time was wasted as suddenly i could hear his officers shouting at them to give their mobiles back.abrupt silence.he knew i was damn upset.and i could hear his guilt thru the thick silence.

we said our gdbyes..and he still sounded apologetic..hating myself for his guilt,i tried to answer our standard gdbyes in a cheery voice,yet it failed me..and i requested to get my ej back..and told him to inform ej that i miss him so..and he said that he'll try to get ej back to me..and we hung up with dark cloud hovering us.and so i cried myself to sleep...for no reason that i could find..

he'll be booking out 2mrw..and after telling him that i might be out on saturday,we tried to adjust our plans...a week more to go bfore his pop..even that didnt make me better neither do i feel any relief...i just need the old ej back..the one that anticipates each call even sacrificing his smoke break just to talk to me coz he misses me so..the one that gives a cheerful hello and the one that will make me laugh in each conversation,eventhough time would be scarce for us..but still,no matter wat..i love him with all my heart..no matter wat happens...i love you no matter wat..

happy thursday,YEAY BESOK!!

.paranoia.seeps.in.

there shouldn't be any other.

just me and you.

just us two.

and we'll piggyback for the rest of our lives.

just me and you.

just us two.

can it all come true...?
i swear i've nvr cheated on u..
so tell me..
wat lies beneath..
the lies,
or truth.

.caliban.morning.

for all that we've gone thru...

he fetched me at loading day after work on monday..took a cab there coz he was late..and he called.he said i'll have to wait for another hour..fug..suddenly while talking to him,he stood before me...cb..threw him a huge hug..gosh..missed him so much!!took the train to dhoby as the plan was to catch a movie..been a while..

watched death race which is a fuggen awesome movie!!!the girl is so damn hot..even i couldnt stop oggling my eyes on her assets..haha..no,im not turning lesbian on u now..still prefer real men.anw,then after things kinda got sour as we took the escalator down..misunderstanding and a small argument as i walked off from him towards the mrt station and himself to ps..i was totally out of control..the rage,the disappointment and all the trust i had for him..i was walking aimlessly,complaining to tsue which half of the conversation i doubt she could even hear..i had tears running down my cheeks,oblivious to the crowd walking past me..i was realli,realli feeling depressed..and yes,near suicidal..it's like all faith and hope literally fade out..all the effort put to waste..and all u see is just a human figure..literally..not just being dramatic,but tat's how i felt on monday nite..that soul-less being,all air escaped from my lungs...

i knew i shouldn't have walked off from him..i sat at dhoby platform,crying...i called him back and asked where he was...ps.i walked..on the fone with pipi..crying again..and i didnt wanna let him see my weakness,so i wiped my tears away and met him.we walked in silence and the greying of nite hovering us..i could see the rage in him..the face all formed a crease..i knew he was mad..and myself,empty.we didnt talk..as we were taking the train,he stood in front of me and kissed my forehead..the smell of his usual sweet in his mouth filled my nose,plus with a little something..i sniffed again...sigh...i asked.he said he did.my disappointment was beyond words.

for 7days that i waited..for all these while in ns..i still waited,though at times i felt like giving up,but still here i am standing before him..and that's wat i got..although it was a misunderstanding,i wouldnt even wanna noe if anothr person were to be in the picture..coz this is for him.for us.for the relationship.we talked that night on the fone abt wat actually happened..yes,he has a lotta frens..and myself,i do too..just that i find myself contacting my close ones..and he noes who they are..and i guess i thought he did the same too to me..obviously not.which created all these...

tuesday took leave as i wanted to send him off..poor thing as i saw him carrying that huge ass big black bag..he was actually slouching..i tried to lift the bag,only to get real tired..ha..he looked tired..he looked shagged..and i would say that since he booked out on monday,it had been quite different..change in his excitement of meeting up..i see him more looking in dire need of rest..and that call..yesterday after booking in again..i was all excited coz i already missed him..and i got a tired 'hello' from him..i could only sigh and wish him to be much happier and kept asking him to give my ej back..

pop on 12 sept.. :D

in the train yesterday he said that rather than saving the money for guitar,he would save it for something else..he said the guitar will be bought after being stable..for now,he'll just buy effect..and so i asked him where would the saved money go to?and i found myself smiling oh so happily...thank you...

im wondering wat reason to give for 12 sept to apply leave..the fact that in need of manpower is so important and taking leave wld be a hassle..and i cant say i have to attend to bf's pop..eventhough they all noe that ej's in ns..i should think that would be an in appropriate reason..so tell me...wat do i say...??and i can't wait to see u on friday..or maybe saturday...or maybe sunday..we'll see if time let us...

happy wednesday,huney..

.i.miss.miss.

i'm so nervous rite now..

i went to baybeats only on saturday with tsue..went after gng geylang with mum and her,in search of my ethnic costume..the one that i liked costs like $160.got that on sunday instead..i was so cranky..i was pmsing..thank god tsue's there to talk to mum..coz i didnt feel like talking to anyone when it was scorching hot,the place filled with goddamn minahreps and matreps,showing off their tattoos and wearing skimpy clothings..no respect for ramadhan at all..it's realli sad..and im ashamed to be even be part of them,wat more their race..it realli poses a disgrace to the malay community..and the numbers of those who are stated above are decreasing..their age grp i mean..as young as 15yr old was seen carrying a baby on sunday..and she had that arrogant look..the guy was smoking next to the baby,with tattoo all over..i have no more words to say..

baybeats was awesome..not the crowd or wat,but i shall say that day was awesome.though i felt so slack with just t-shirt and jeans..(anal abt my dressing)and i was pms-ing,i had fun with the girls..with tsue,shikin and lat..funny asses as we chilled at marina square..so sly..hahaha..anw,bought a top just to change..god.and i felt better..

sunday off to geylang again with mum as i got my costume and ej called at night!!!and yes,yes,yes!!i'm miting him today after work!!!yeay!!!!!!!so happy,okay..and it's a little shitty when i woke up before dusk to have my meal...to the toilet,damn..red dot day just came.1st day of fasting month,1st day of this..so much for "i shall fast on the first day!!" sheesh!!!!i cant wait to see my ghumbra and im having flutterflies in my tummy..as if it'll be the first time miting him..hurhur..im sounding so silly and annoying..oh wells..dinner and movie!!!!yeay!!!can't wait to hug him!!!eeks!!!!!

feelin' me??

happy monday,sugah!