.life.is.of.black.and.white.

in ur presence..

i woke up feeling groggy and my head was throbbing..ally was sick and had high fever..i think i'm sick too..i'm feeling so warm and my throat hurts..prolly not enuf rest and too much fags..or prolly plain sick.

yesterday his dad text me to call him,to wake him up to fetch his bro as his mum's not at home..i talked to a pissed off voice and i hung up as i couldnt be bothered anymore to talk to him after relaying the message..then after,his mum called me..i had to call him again to ask him to call his mum.and he hung up on me this time..bfore that,he gave a few shoutings bfore ending the call..a very happy 9 months,huh?sigh..

i decided to think thoroughly of the decision i was contemplating..i was still at work,i couldnt concentrate so much as the heart was yearning to shout,only letting it all be a silent scream..finally i took up the courage to text him words i was unsure,yet the best that i could think of..i couldnt take the screaming i get every nite,the hang ups i had to endure,the false hopes everytime..i found myself texting words of contempt as i couldnt take all the cuss and swears being thrown..i then decided that it's best to end things..yet i was still unsure..unwillingly..

he texted asking me whether it's all joke..a plead at the end as i found one being on mercy..yet it disgusts me as a call was received and there he was asking me not to end it,yet he was still shouting..the reception was not of help as his voice kept breaking off..for all i noe he screamed his lungs out as i caught offguard and hastily hung up the fone due to shock and being frightened..

i was shivering mad and my heart full of anger and disappointment..i didnt noe wat to do..i was helpless as i chose the decision that came the first thing in my mind..impulsive as i made the decision clear of where to mit and time to pass his stuff back..

he called again as he consoled me,apologising for all the profanities being thrown at me for the past few days..i cried as the guy beside my desk threw glances and gave a "are u okay" look..naz was there for me thruout as she hugged and calmed me down..thank you..informed him that i'll give a call once im home..as im still at work..there's no privacy and i couldnt think clear..he apologised again and pleaded for things not to end.."9 months to waste..when all these while we've endured everything.." and so he said..yet i guess endurance had nvr been part of me..or maybe i've endured too much that now it really had triggered my button..

i forgot about the call as finally he called me and talked to me..in the wee hours in the morning he called again as he just reached home..i was already fast aslp when 'the fallen' kept ringing..we talked.i cried.he was trying so hard to be patient as i let all my emotions out..i told him how things had changed and how degrading i felt when he screams at the other end..he said that he dun wanna lose me..as much as i love him..yes,still no matter wat..i just can't do this..honestly i can't..

i swallowed my ego and let it all come in..let him break my defensive manner and decided mind and thought about how things will be after losing him..that is when i realise that i do need him..and the former was such a haste decision..the best,yet an impulsive manner..he promised not to shout anymore..and i begged him for the guy that i once knew..the one that's always been near perfect during our ite days..and during bmt..the one that i've always known and been comfortable with..not the monster that had emerged suddenly..nothing is of a happy ending..but yesterday i felt all the dampend feelings lift up as i close my eyes for a good sleep..

happy friday,love