.enraged.

i'm pretty much PISSED OFF.

it's simply stupid to place non-speaking ENGLISH people to be in the service line.regardless as a customer service officer,a waitress or even at e cashier.unluckily for me,i encountered one today at cheers,lau pa sat.

past midnight as we went there to buy food.the rest at the shops,myself getting chips and drinks at Cheers store.getting 2 bottles of pokka tea,chips and mentos,i head to the counter to pay.she separated my bags.im not anal at all about stuffing everything in one bag.hell,save the earth.so with my colleagues next in line to wait/pay for their own items,i told the lady at the counter to place everything in one bag.she gave a questioning look.i repeated. "u can just put everything in 1 plastic bag."

replied.

soejfosnfwuegtipwubgwkgnewkgnekghqwpnuirthwifnkwqlnfkgn.

i gave a fucking pissed off look.DO U FUCKING THINK THAT IM A FUCKING CHINESE OR EVEN SOMEONE THAT UNDERSTAND SO FUCKING WELL OF THAT LANGUAGE THAT U DARE TO EVEN REPLY ME IN MANDARIN???I FIND IT FUCKING RUDE OR EVEN INSULTING FOR FUCKING YOU TO REPLY TO ME IN THAT WHOLE FUCKING SENTENCE.OF SAYING "THERE'S NO BIG BAGS ANYMORE" (my colleague translated for me)THE FUCKING LEAST U CAN DO IS TO JUST SAY U CANT ANSWER OR TO HAND GESTURE OR SOMETHING.DON'T FUCKING EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU'RE IN MY FUCKING COUNTRY AND IF U DUNNO HOW TO REPLY,PLEASE DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND SIMPLY FUCK OFF.

i dunnoe wat the fuck singapore is doing.it's disgusting,revolting and suchs like it.regardless they earn way lesser than us or singaporeans dun wish to take up that job,but to place a non-speaking english person who is from china with thick fucking accent.fuck.i really find it insulting and totally a racist issue.if im a chinese person and if i get a reply such as that,i wouldnt mind.coz i can understand and reply as well.regardless of race,LANGUAGE or religion.RRRIIIITTTTTEEEEE....

i am too pissed off,really..the fact that it's at laupasat and one of the tourist's attraction due to food and the historical building,it is just plain stupid,dumbfuck and racist.

and ej?if u've planned something for us i would go.but being selfless doesnt mean that that cant piss me off.period.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FHIL BABY!!!!!

.waiting.for.take.off.

OHMYGOD!!!!

im counting down the hours and minutes eversince the clock stroke midnight.work is sucha bitch as after learning something new,my work is more than wat i've been doing.

billing sure sounds like an accounting job,realli..wat with the debit ntoes and credit notes..thank god i do have higher nitec cert in accounting.hell,i gotta recount and shits like it.billing from the broker(my company)to the insurer for the client.bloody hell then after i gotta draft then after the servicers sign.after they sign,i gotta photocopy or grab the intermediary copy and then send out.and then it all starts all over again.

pretty hectic as i was running all over the place.and since i'll be fetching him,im wearing killer heels which is super not helping at all to make sure i wont fall.well,i was practically running to the printer,back to my workstation.thank god i didnt trip.

FUCKING CANT WAIT!!6.40am i'll be leaving the office and surprise him.and to think he said he'll fetch me.lmfao!!!!
okay people!!i gotta ssssoo continue this workload.
till then,cheers!!!!

MUHAMMAD RAFNEEZAN U MAKE MY HEART GO THUMPIN MAD RIGHT NOW!!!

.when.it.was.an.end.to.the.beginning.

things might've ended by itself....i guess..

hello world..im anticipating the moment so bad..2mrw morning he'll be back..and well,i'll be giving him a surprise as i'll be fetching him at the airport..have yet to call mama to tell her since they'll be fetching him.gotta plan together,see..so that if he reaches first bfore me,they can stall the time..coz HE plans to fetch me at work instead at 7.30am..hahaha...

so imma get out from the office by say 6.40am..by then will reach airport ard 7.15 or prolly a bit later than that..and am thinking of getting him flowers.no?i dunno..kinda weird to present him with a bouquet of flowers,actually..since he'll be out from the gate with the rest of the army boys..ok screw that idea..just me,myself would make it fine.. :D GAH!!!!!!CANT WAIT,REALLY!!!and that was the first to receive a text from a guy saying 'btw,im camwhoring' omg..really..to get some guy say that and admit to wat he's doing with a bunch of other guys,is just...*slaps forehead*

A HUGE SHOUTOUT TO ZUL!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

i called at 2359..thinking of singing a bday song..but he was actually sleeping.sheesh!otw to lau pa sat to have supper with my colleagues,he called me.by then it was past midnight.so much of a surprise..instant reaction as to sing a bday song oh-so-loudly.forgetting that it was just me alone..usually either i'll make a conference call with others or to sing with a group of frens,see..kinda forgot about that so the other 2 colleagues of mine had a surprised,mouth agaped and eye-popping time for a bit.ha...expression?priceless.

check out 7eightnine at esp.it's a restaurant which is more like a chill out place..with live band and awesome ambience,u'll not regret going there.this guy approached me while having a fag at my workplace.introducing the 2-3month old place and all..a vip card just for me and i'll get to order 1for1,2for2 and up to 7for7 kinda thing.so imagine i get 2 glasses of wine,i'll get the other 2 for free...and the food?finger food,tapaz and course meals..so that goes for 1for1 as well!!and the dessert?reading the names and the description can make u salivate.or for me just having triple orgasm in my mind.all i see was dark choc in the menu..*bites lips*

so isnt it great?bring ur frens..get 7for7 or 5for5 or depends on the number of ppl and the price will be so reasonable.coz there's live band,it's at esplanade and it's cheap,balls!but wait.thing is,u gotta be approached by those ppl to get that vip access card..and the saddest part of it all?i have yet to pay the amount of $30.i am introducing to u all when i've yet to experience it.LOFUCKINGL LA SIA!!!but really..wat i say as above is true!!!about the promotion..ends on 31march09..so come down to raffles place between 8pm-10pm and find guys in white shirts and red landyards.hAHAHAHAHAH..

okay im done.WITH WORK AND IT'S ONLY 5.10AM!!!!off for a nap and more surfing
tra~~ bitches.

.of.two.hearts.

my little angel,ally..

yes,in the toilet havin a smoke.

when you're gone..

pay day kicked in..transferred money,payed my bills.within 15mins after checking my pay,i've already used 1k doing all that.like omfg!!yea..the amount left is wat i need to survive on till 25 next month.thank god gst will be in prolly by the 28 or end of the month..at least 200bucks extra would've helped me to breathe easy still...well,hopefully..

the amount of work is overwhelming..but noe,wat?im left with only 1 more folder to do..kudos to self..i am very,very,very exhausted and it tires me out the most when i break the momentum of doing from one document to another..suffer now..next month they'll review my performance..better do my best.hell,i've done my best since day1..it's like 3 months already working in this company.a few changes as the director sent an e-mail saying that i have 7servicers under my name.while the senior ones have prolly 6 only??1servicer makes a huge difference,okay.their pending documents in my in-tray is very-oh-so high.regardless end of day i clear it out,i wouldnt be one to be used in this company.it says so much of how i worked at NTUC Income(former company)and got the highest leads at one point of time.they pushed me..i did my best.somehow it became part of me to give my utmost effort everyday.wat do i get at the end of it?nothing.touche

on friday morning ej will be back..and i am anticipating the day that i'll be in his arms again..i realli miss him..thank god not as much back then during bmt where i cry in most of the calls and i felt too darn lonely.i do feel lonely and empty somehow but work took over the loneliness and well,my sleep.

to hell with my previous entries,realli..i just wanna delete it,but let's just ignore it when i chance upon it,yea?it's depressing when i read it again..sympathizing myself not.it's just the heart will be where it was and feel how it felt each time i read it.and the feeling's pretty fucked up.

happy wednesday morning,daisies..

.i.wish.i.could.be.every.little.thing.u.wanted.all.the.time.

the truth about greater humanity is what we're oblivious to.Lucky,when we think about it.

my line's been disrupted due to outstanding amount.i fucked m1 bad..inclusive of the manager as i called on sunday saying i'll settle my payment on the 25th since that'll be my pay day.the person said okay.today i woke up and i cant text/call no more.that's when the lashing began.apparently my upcoming bill is like 900++ yes..fucking hell i was like wtf!!totally jumped outta bed when he infomed me of that amount..due to overseas calls..god..hence bcoz of the high amount they can't give leeway for me to pay on the 25..though it's only fucking 2 more days..or 2mrw,since it's already the 24th right now.so i think i'll settle this month's bill and just pay $900..so that that upcoming bill will be lesser..hell,i'd be left with only $1k.not enuf still to survive..well suffer now then later,rite?

called tsue by office phone just now and she laughed her ass off when i told her that my line's been disrupted.she laughed her ass off..yes,that's how much a bestfren she is..

i feel super bored and weird without any texting or calling..in the end i see myself playing with the game in my phone.bah!

.cigarettes.and.chocolate.milk.

that song makes me high..with that drony and monotonous voice of rufus wainwright..everything seems to be all settled and cooled down..things had not been well to be honest..what with the m1 bill and all..sigh..everything just have to overfuck me.

she said that we'll be giving each other the cold shoulder for a few weeks or so..then only we realise things will be alright..hhmm...i dunno..somehow i thank god that i can't text no more..coz a reply was so promising to wat u just texted..it hurts still,really...it's weird to come to think of it..the last person i could ever imagine hurting me..but somehow u did..and it did..prolly a question of how so..but i myself cant answer that..just that the heart's real bruised at the moment..

regrets,regrets...no point of it..if i could turn back time,hell i'd redo every single thing i did wrong from the start of my life..but there's no use of it now..wat's been done is done...somehow i foresee that if ever i bump into u..i'll just give a stoned face.without hello nor smile..neither vengeance nor to spite..but i guess that's really me...to block self with a wall to not feel anything at that point of time..till u're gone..

i still feel like a fool..embarrassed and all..it's like u anticipate for the wrong thing,at the wrong timing..coz it'll nvr be mine.."dun wanna lose u just yet even as frens"..hell,i dun even noe im up to it for the former or latter..all i noe is that i should've taken back all the words that's been told and kept my mouth shut.it's nvr gonna be the same...and i cant go about bitching anymore with u..coz it'll nvr be the same..nvr be the same..if ever i see u again,that's the time that i truly dread the most..coz i noe that i've hurt a person or two..and that u hurt me too.

well,just continue with wat life gives,isn't it?

.back.in.2007.

slaughterhouse massacre 07..

tsue the bestie

back in school with the only ppl i would ever be with

outing with didi1 back at fort road 07

super macam paham

rai the bestie's bday 07

there's a whole lotta things in life..

that teaches nothing is forever as everything dies one day..

there's a whole lotta things in life..
to sacrifice,to compromise and to trust..

there's a whole lotta things in life..

that makes our lives complete..

there's a whole lotta things in life..

that makes us a better person looking back at yesteryears..

there's a whole lotta things in life..

that we should appreciate and learn from our mistakes..

there's a whole lotta things in life..

that i truly and sincerely miss..

xoxo

dids.

.the.voice.inside.my.head.

i'm drowning in my own song..

it's easier said than done..it had been sucha great time,yet everything should end one day..i've nvr felt like a fool before..this is the time that i should truly regret of wat's been done..and im ever so sorry for placing you in this kinda situation..

it hurts when someone literally rubs reality right in your face..though tried with careful words or even tone of voice full of remorse or sympathy..yet you know what's been indirectly said..not that that was the whole intention of that person,yet you knew it all along,but was just oblivious to it.chose to be oblivious to it..

all the 'ifs' and 'maybes' should nvr have been part of the question.the answer's there.right there.but i chose to walk one whole round..took my time..be selfish..took the opportunity to fulfill my desire before the question came right up to me.and when it did...i fell..and guilt hovers me like it always do..when u noe that u've hurt a person or two..

there's never a point that we need to make..never a chance to even try..but regardless,we thought we did..eventhough,end of the day things are still the same,though now left broken..so wat was the point of even doing it?to see the outcome when we noe there's none at the first place?to see wat was left when history was made?there's no point at all..there's nothing there..nothing.

so why am i hurting?why isit hard?what happened to the frenship we forged after that incident of thinking.."u let me hang loose"..wat happened to that?will it come back again after all that had happened?or will it be awkward for u or me to say hello when we bump into each other in the streets?will i still get that "hello" each time i'm down,without even telling you?or will it be the end.

i told you...there was a beginning...now's prolly the end..but the middle's all muddled..confusion..but now the middle's history..regrets?i do..

and im ever so sorry..

.in.2.weeks.

when you're down & lonely..

ej went off for brunei on the 13 feb instead of 12 feb due to the wrong name list..so went to the airport twice. -.- i was on leave on 12feb..hence took mc the next day to send him off..

that night i sent forwarded texts to everyone to pray for his safety..numerous texts which i forwarded back to him..glad he's touched..so one of them that replied was hafiz samurai or whom i call uncle..at about 1+am he asked to join his bunkmates go rounding..agreed..was welcomed with 2 cars and 4 or 5 bikes at the carpark..holy..more than 9 ppl..

we spent valentine's day...like any normal single people..with a group of loved frens..

raymond,joanna,hanif,rico and 2 other guys joined the lot as we went to marina barrage..first time there,honestly i was disappointed..not as fancy as esplanade and also it has that 'empty' feeling..

got home about 5+am...and fell asleep only about 8plus..

well now..a huge pile welcomed me

sigh...it's wrong...but it seems so right...

'maybe we're worth a trillion times better in years to come..maybe not now, who noes in thankful years to come.."

i'll always remember that sentence...

well,happy tuesday loves..

.2.words.boy.

DO NOT FUCKING SLUR.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.

.0105.

sure is ironic..

guilt hovers me dampening the whole journey to work..he's been very nice as to send me and fetch me from work..from late nights to the early mornings..i am appreciative of that..sure is great to see him start and end of day..something that i doubt i could ever return as eversince being in the relationship or even while dating with him,he had always been sending or fetching me..and nvr once had he failed to break that routine..

it's already a year into the relationship..compromise and trust is the key to happiness to one's journey..but somehow without those two,it worked perfectly fine for me still..eventhough there were countless hiccups and tiffs,we still hold on to each other..

a woman's instinct's usually accurate..i dunno whether it's just paranoia or insecurity that got into me just now..or it's just that those lies are of an obvious..never a time that u'd put or understand which point im talking about..it's always the wrong assumption..like wat i've said okay to is done and over with.but when explanations are being voiced about wat had upset me,u'd still think of the former..it really kills to have u think more than a minute to the question i asked just now..wat was that "aku tau" about..

u said that watever u say wont make any difference to wat i think..of u lying..well,once bitten,twice shy..i'd nvr want to be in the same situation again where u lied through ur teeth and got mad with me for thinking otherwise..when actually wat i asked before were the facts.the truth.i dun want that to happen again.so trust my own instincts.did it get better of u?no.

the guilt that im having is that u've been such an innocent sweets..but each time..there's always something that upsets me..maybe i should control or stuffs like it..but how can i when it's literally right in my face..how come i'm not told of wat's going on...im not sure whether im over being mad with u..but i noe for sure is that i really wish and hope that u'd nvr tell a lie..hell,u've nvr told a lie..coz probably without compromise nor trust,i'd still be okay?maybe i will never be..

drifts..drifted..drifting..

happy thursday morning..

.rain.or.shine.

.advanced.valentine.

.lofuckingl.

.that.1.year.anni.guitar.gift.for.him.

.tara.

as it is..

im still sick..just now while walking to find a particular file,i almost fainted..just now in the morning otw home i almost puked,fainted and felt super giddy..but i didn't..taking mc for wednesday night is so promising..but i noe that i cant do that..coz work will pile up as high as ever..and when i recover,i will for sure be so stressed..and he won't be there to soothe me as he'll be in brunei.

love will be off in 2 days time..or shall i say 1more day since it's already wednesday now..he's been a sweetheart..met up with him almost everyday except sunday and monday..as he's in camp and former with his band..so the pictures says it all..

since he cant celebrate valentine's with me..well,hence the bear..i swear it is super soft and cuddly..and my nose was empowered with his perfume smell..smart ass just noe wat to do to make me better..and he's not the type to write things down,so it was very surprising that he wrote some stuff on the card..which was so very sweet of him..

i'm really,really blessed to be with him..honestly i dun need gifts to keep the relationship gng nor do i need surprises..sure once in a blue moon it's nice to get it all..but just being with him makes me contented..and if there's sucha meaning,i feel more than that..i can be a brat..or even *slides word* spoilt.but when it comes to gifts or anything that has a price on it,i dun need it...just him would be more than fine.but thank you,baby..seriously..i'll give a belated valentine's gift instead,okay.. i swear i dunno where that $2k++ goes to..so let's just wait for the next pay shall we..

and yes,that was me 'tapping' on his guitar..a skill he taught..that *sigh* i suck in it as well as other skills he had taught..but hey..at least i got it still,okay..

im sure gonna miss u for that 2 weeks...hell,i'm missing u already!!mum might be sending him off at the airport come thursday as well..

happy wednesday,loves..

cant wait to see u again....

.u.make.me.better.

im sick as hell.

i took mc last thursday.

im sick as hell.

i don't wanna take mc for this week.

im sick as hell.

i'm taking leave on thursday to send him off to brunei.

im sick as hell.
a whole lotta pictures to upload but i don't have the time.

im sick as hell.

tons of files welcomed me as i stepped into the office -.-

im sick as hell.

there's nothing i can do about it.

.doubts.comes.easily.

it took you 2 hours and i'm suppose to believe?

.heart's.content.

sometimes it's good to reminisce..

i only had say 15-20 letters to draft..to be issued to the clients..and im already done..and i have nothing to do..was so bored hence i went back to my old blog, http://www.ladiedidi.spaces.live.com/ and read my past entries..spent prolly 2 hours reading,sia..and the memories rushed back fresh in my mind..

i wonder how come it was so hard for me to move on last time..where i keep holding on to each piece of memory hence it made everything hold me back rather to moving forward.it's like it was so and too precious that i had made that decision and choice to stay.anyone reading from a window would have seen everything so clear.that i was relunctant to move on..prolly due to feelings,but more like the memories with that person.and now when i read again,it is very much clear to me pale in comparison where i was all confused with my own emotions..gawd..

i read from ex-bfs to another..there were so many differences in how i was in that relationship..where i totally despise one,love another and neutral the other..i remember vividly one point of time while reading,the msn exchange that me and one of them had..

it went something like "i feel guilty in seeing my name in each entry in ur blog.." and "i noe i will nvr go back to u coz there's no more love,didi.." and "pls talk to me..i beg of u.."

those 3 sentences brought the best outta me as i noe that i was stupid and desperate enuf to earn one's love..to hold on to memory when it doesnt mean anything to the other..i feel dumb,to be honest..to let myself be in that position..but it was a pretty messy break-up..coz there was baggage after the whole ending..the one that i held on coz i missed and loved him still..while the other one that i realised..whooh..a totally rebound relationship,something i shouldn't have done or got myself into at the first place..lesson learned?yes,i did..

now i have ej..a year had passed and am still madly in love with him..it irks me as i read my past entries..the profanities being thrown here and there..regardless it makes my blog 'colourful',it makes me quite disgusted actually..at least now i dun cuss and swear as much,rite?and so i think..

happy wednesday,loves.

.SHUT.THE.F***.UP.

it's too early..

second post on the same day..i finshed my work at 4.30am..3 more hours before i can get my ass off this seat for home..i have nothing to do..i asked the person that gives the work to me..she said there's none to give..time wasting away..i see myself bloghopping and doing stupid stuff..went for fag breaks more than i can remember eversince working here..

i can take a nap..my eyes feel so heavy..im in dire of sleep..hell yes.but it's gonna be weird,hearing my other colleagues working their ass off while i take my rest..i feel so restless right now to be honest..i need something to do..for eff's sake im at work..i cant be lazing ard,isnt it?

6more minutes before i gotta wake my ghumbra..isit 5.30am that i gotta call him or 6am?i have no idea..

u noe wat?eff it.let's just rest for a while..btw there's 2 more colleagues who joined the night shift..and the one that had been here eversince day 1 with me is fighting with the radio with the new one..firstly indian songs blasting from the radio..the other colleague,mandarin songs from his computer..can u imagine how effing annoying that is?no wonder my head's throbbing mad.so the former tuned to class 95,my all time favourite radio station..only to have the other increasing his volume.FUG!!!.so plug that earphones and let's lamb of god all the way..11th hour...\m/

.starry.night.

nothing is forever..everything dies one day..

there's too much things for me to blog about..i'll just give it quite a short description..hopefully..so that whenever i chance upon my old entries,the memories will still be vivid in my mind..

so on saturday we went out to shop..before that i was pissed mad with him coz he booked out late,which means limited time for us to spend the evening together..so after lashing at him on the fone and taking my own sweet time getting ready eventhough he's at my void deck already,i got out of the house about 7pm..storming down the stairs when suddenly i saw a bouquet of daisies being held out.oh so sweet!!yea..he just noes how to calm this raging self which annoys me sometimes coz i just wanna be mad..but he noes his ways.sheesh!head to city hall,joined the throng of ppl who's gng for chingay/post party as me and him head to raffles city for my shopping.

waited for zul,ina and naz..went to burger king for my late dinner..has and lut came along..alas the bday boy,mon came..bought starbucks cake which my ex-fling was working..fug,girls..yes..it was yan cheapo!!the guy who asked me to pay everything on the first date!!eeks!!no worries..the whole dating thing didnt go anywhere after..thank god!!so we head to chopsticks to celebrate..fooled ard,camwhored and off we went home..self,ina and mon took a cab home..while the boys,their train ride.

yesterday showered and got ready and packed the little girl's stuff..brought my 3months old niece to his place as his family's dying to see her..apparently his parents went to jb..hence only his grandma,him and wawan were at home..they played with her and she tried to echo their sounds..super cute..eventually his parents got home along with his aunt's family..whoah!!the house was noisy and super fun..seems as though there was a gathering,eventhough it was just 2 families in one home.ej sent me and tara off till my house..then me and him had supper at mcdees...

and i shat.(if there's sucha past tense)big time.

so today rai was sucha sweetheart as she and fhil waited at aljunied mrt to join the same train as me..just to send me off to work..love u huney.. :)

tired,and gotta start my work.so that's all i guess..

and that last pic's the Ibanez guitar i got for him for our one year..woots!!

happy monday,lovelies..