.coz.i.have.limits.too.

the swell as i blow my nose off.

mystery of the moon...

one of my colleagues made me so mad in the morning..i noe that i had taught her a particular project few months back.however she lost the script and she lost the default spreadsheet in which i had done for her,out of own's will and effort.gee,thanks.so yesterday i taught her all over again.and today morning,i passed her the data that she's suppose to do and stared blankly at me.oh boy would i love to give the finger right in front of her face.so wat do i find myself doing??

telling her wat to do all over again.testing my patience.i was damn mad that i gave her a curt reply and didn't tell her in details of wat to do after..prolly she guessed on her own as i saw the cursor moved to open the spreadsheet (duh!!!). i dunno wat eff she's been doing at work.she still can ask me.."wat do i do now?" so i replied..."wat do u think?" and swivel my chair back to my desk.damn pissed i tell u..

last nite i got home at 9.30pm coz i did overtime.and it realli kills.i spent 12hours at work,balls..i was damn shagged once i come home.ally gave a hug and kiss as i put her to sleep..in the morning when i woke up she was the one hugging me instead.aaww...lethargic..my body aches..and a hectic week's not helping..

2mrw i'll be gng for his prom nite..the next day my cousin's getting married.in which i gotta wake up damn early and rush to east coast park where her wedding will be held at.sunday prolly send ej off..the next day,work,work,work...

i need a holiday.i need a getaway.prolly jazz bar will just do..or somewhere that i can totally just get those evil energy outta me and relax...i need,i need,i need to get away from the workload and the early mornings and late nights.ej or gfs will do..they keep me happy.i need a full 7 days of heaven..of not waking up to find myself late for work or sleeping knowing the next day i gotta work my ass off..i need a place to relax...fine. full 2-3 days then.okay,okay!just 1 day of that.gah!!!! life sucks and then you die!

happy thursday...not.

.catch.a.falling.star.

never let it fade away...

im sick right now..since saturday..bah! it sucks being at work with my nose being stuck.ej took good care of me..on friday nite i waited for his call,thinking of fetching him from cck mrt..at ard 8plus in the evening he eventually called and told me to mit at ct hall instead.so there we met,myself with killer heels(excruciating pain) as we had dinner at burger king..we took the train to our destination as we spent the night together..

on saturday afternoon i went to my cousin's place..for their open house..it was boring..i was feeling kinda sick..at night,it all hit me...that typical sore on my tonsils..which means...imma get sick real bad.

sunday, ej's mum called..she asked whether i wanna follow go to ej's aunt's house..i agreed,eventhough i was sick..told mum about it and she gave her permission eventhough my uncle's coming over to my place to see the baby..so ej fetched me at my void deck and dang he looked damn hot with his long sleeve formal top..i was feeling so sick and my head was spinning..from one house to another at jurong..so then his family and ej and i part our ways as we head to dhoby to catch a movie..the show starts late,so we ditch that plan and head to ct hall to have dinner..

decided on spageddies as i was craving for the lasagne..i was famished,boy..i was gobbling it all and devouring the taste knowing my tastebuds will not work it's effects in days to come..we talked about our relationship and we talked about our past of how we were all just friends and how it brought us to this stage..awesome talks as i felt to grateful to have him..

he sent me home and each time we get off the train,he'll stand a step lower on the escalator and support me by hugging each other..he touched my forehead and it was hot,hot,heat.i was already having runny nose and kept sneezing where it'll be damn loud for the whole train to hear.and each time i sneeze,my head will spin..and so he'll give an assuring smile that i'll be well soon..he kept insisting to kiss eventhough i was sick..and now,he's sick as well..poor boy.

monday i spent the whole day at home,in bed..i couldnt breathe properly and i kept gasping for air..ej kept comforting me..somehow i wish he was next to me to stroke my hair and make me better..which he intended to do that today,but since i have to go to work,he's not able to come over to my place..that sucks..

the reason for dragging myself to work today?coz on friday he has his prom night.and if the boys dun bring any dates,they'll have to do 3 extra guard duty.pfft!! how unreasonable.so for that,i gotta take half day on friday and today,i gotta be at work the whole day to cover up for my absence for the half day.

im still sick.

happy tuesday,lovelies.

.atrocity.known.as.man.

when throughout ur life u will never grow up and you live each day like a disgusting piece of shit.

when the news finally registered in my head,i swear i dun wanna hear further. the fact that already the third time she did this and it happened WITH someone from my past, i felt so damn disgusted.

how a cheap person could be.god,woman.where's ur dignity?away from u like all the babies u've aborted?wat happened?isn't it expensive to even get that third breast? (inside joke) oh yea..it's just cheap.just gotta spread ur legs and get screwed.

it's a wonder whether she even think or have in mind of how i was with him.when she knew wat happened and wat kind of a bastard he was.waddayanoe..hook up with him.get pregnant.irresponsible piece of shit.

im just so disgusted by the words u played with her.and the girl?she's damn stupid enuf to let herself be in this situation.to even think she might even trust his words?ha.wat a joke,dude.

that bastard will never grow up.going ard,screwing ard..wat's new with him?and to think that he says 'i love u' so loosely it taints the whole meaning.no longer a player,boy. u're just a jerk. a git. a bastard. an asshole.

there u go.4 years have passed,finally i've found words to describe wat a fucking asshole u have been.and for the girl.who the hell gives two hoots to the shits she got into?she was proud of it! bullocks.this is the shit i'm hearing from the world.and i wonder how ashamed u are..

maybe u'll nvr be..ur life had always been like this,anyways..

this is all just way too appalling how capable two minds can work.without their dignity and get chased outta the house each time.HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA...god..loser,balls.and so he says.."how am i suppose to face didi and rai??"AHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!see how pathetic ur life is?bear in mind.an asshole will always be one.like a git u'll always be.more than a jerk.u're just one piece of a fucking bastard,boy.

happy friday,huns..

.dignity.

when we take the plunge..surfaces..

i can't wait for this week to be over..lack of sleep and food intake decreases as each day goes by..nevertheless the only thing that i look forward to end of work is his call...that cheery voice that nvr fails to cheer me up..where i can place the bratty side of me in that call and remind him the yearns i need..my dosage of everyday addiction.

upon greeting and placing my bag on my desk,frustration arose as my colleague was complaining about the lack of data being assigned to them.fact was i transferred yesterday and i daresay there wasn't enuf.however when i checked their projects,they had quite a lot of pending data to clear.of coz,nobody would wanna call policyholders like a loanshark in the early morning.but dude,the other data i've assigned is sufficient to last u till lunch.then after their 'loan' project can kick in.indirectly they complained to each other and i just stared hard at them.a particular colleague whom i lashed at said,"u can't expect me to call apl in the morning!!" fug..i was damn pissed and i was waiting for time to tick by to have my 2nd stick of the day..wait.3rd stick.

i cant wait for friday to come..i'll be able to fetch him from camp,if he books out on that day then bless the holidays...he'll only have to book in on tuesday nite.and myself,back to work on tuesday..in which come fetch me from work and i'll send u off to camp.oh baby,pink daisies please? (=

losta love,
xoxo

.dear.story.

say hello to tara nabeelah

when 10 months pass us by..

it was the heart ache that placed me in sucha a stressed position.of knowing tat faith can never ebb thru us anymore..and i cant take anymore of the empty promises that always happen..i would nvr know wat to do when this happens..and my decision and choice that i'll always take would be running away..though i noe that that wont help as the problem will always be there..and somehow i see myself repeating the same words again and again..that i can't take this nor do this anymore..and that was my final decision on saturday.on our 10months..

empty promises hit me like a stone in the head all over again and again..and i see myself staring at the 4 blank walls,only to get up and pack his things..numb i felt and my head felt so clear,it kills thinking that this is not because of the anger i felt..

intended to take a cab to his place..time was past 8pm..he texted and said he'll come over instead.and there we sat at starbucks..the thick silence dampened us as i fiddled with the fag i was having..not that i wanted to,but i just had to do somehing..and himself,fiddled with his mobile..

"you're sure about this?you've think it thru?dun make this decision just becoz u're angry...don't,didi..don't..i've nvr wanted this..it's my fault,i noe..im sorry..but u think that u're happy if u end this...wat abt me?i have to respect it even if i dun wanna let u go..think abt it,didi.."

"the more u ask,the more i doubt myself..pls just let me stick to the decision..i dun wanna think anymore,ej..no regrets,after everything.."

"well...gotta respect it,then....*sigh*...well,it was nice knowing u.."

he grabbed the things that i've placed bfore him..and as he said that last sentence,everything came so clear..tears welled up my eyes and cling onto my eyelids...i dun wanna cry..i dun wanna let him see me weak..ego..my ego took the better of me..and he told me not to cry..and told me that my decision was haste and it was not wat i really wanted...as tears flow freely,he wiped it...my face stony,trying hard not to cry..(eff's sake i'm in public,balls!!eyeliner!!mascara!!!) he wiped those sheer tears away and held me...

"im still here,baby...im still here..dun leave..please..wat about all those memories..10 months,baby...10 months...all effort will be wasted..stay,baby..stay.."

i curled up like a ball,with his arms enveloping me as silently i cried..."i just don't know wat to do..each time..i just don't noe wat to do,ej..."

"hush,baby..hush..."

and we stayed that way for quite a while before he cheered me up with the faces that he makes..and whispered to me of how much this relationship meant for him and us..and i noe..that each time i give up,i'm a fool to do that..it may be the best decision..but that would be for that point of time..

hence happy 10months to us...thank you,ej..thank you for guiding me and holding me still...

happy monday to you..

.a.man.

coz i'm your angel...

for the past few days i've been damn busy..i dun even have time to minimize this window to blog when im suppose to do my calling..oh fug that..there's always politics at work..and facts being kept hidden rather than transparent.it affects me and everyone else..it made me damn pissed that i found myself hating this job i'm doing,the effort i've put in and also to despise the manager that i can always get along fine with.

yes,it involved me..being placed in contract is still under consideration.a month had passed and i took 2 days MC last week due to stomach flu...and waddyanoe..last 2 days my teamleader informed me of the news..i was so frustrated by the fact that i wasnt informed.hence used in some way or another..it seems as though they have a lot of time in their hands to even plan about the bbq outing for the section come november...it realli is very depressing when one works his ass off,to even be the top leads performer to just receive a 'good job,but i'll consider..'

obviously productivity had nvr been first priority when every single day all CROs work their ass off to achieve the targets.and myself,rushing to exceed the target bfore assigning data to the rest of the them.fair?unfair indeed.

ej and i are well.i love him more than anyone could imagine.coming to 10months with him and it had nvr gone stale.and that,my dears is a wow-ifying thing for me as well,only the close ones noe how playful i can be last time..yet now..let's just think of future and the second heartbeat in me years to come..coz i wanna be with him..thru thick and thin he will always be there and assure to me that everything will be fine..one who cools my flaming and raging mind and soul..and that,im thankful...and always will be..hiccups here and there,yet he still insists on holding my hand eventhough my grasp would be pale in comparison as his..regardless the number of heartache and distrust..he'll find a way to make me realise how much i still love him..and as much i can despise him,i will always find myself running after him..everytime..all over again..all over again..

for now,let's welcome my latest 'collection' of niece!!!!eldest sister just gave birth to a healthy,baby girl last 2 nights!!!CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

happy wednesday,sugahs..

.missin.my.baby.tonight.

.my.pouty.love.

when we search deeper...

im at home rite now..didnt go to work since yesterday..damn sick..stomach flu..almost fainted at work on tuesday evening..it was nearing time to end work when i found myself staggering and legs almost gave way..my vision was hazy and i noe that imma fall anytime soon..stubborn me took a bus home still eventhough i had like more than enuf money to take cab..but nnnooo...found myself slipping on the bus railing...grabbed the railing again with my numb hands and shivered for the rest of the bus ride...legs almost gave way again when alighting..

my whole body felt damn numb..and aching everywhere..i needed ej the most so that i could complain and cry to him how much it hurts and how sick i felt..but i knew he wont and cant call..he's off for fieldcamp..2 days,1 night..so i weeped myself to sleep..coz my eyes stung in pain..all i felt was heat,cold,heat,cold.

the next day which was yesterday i went to the doctor..he checked my tummy..and pressed one part of my tummy..fug..it hurt real bad..he said.."bacterial infection of ur intestines.." shitzits,balls..obviously no way could i understand any medical terms..or language..he could simply say stomach virus or something.sheesh!!

ej was suppose to call yesterday nite...i waited..and waited..only to receive texts from babes...still no calls..past 10pm,past 11pm,past midnight..i knew he wont call..i rested my throbbing mad head and reminisce the days with him..the past ones where lanson was our favourite spot,where heinekin would always be the best,where we walk,talk and laugh every single day..where he'll fetch me from skool,from work,from wherever i'll be...those days...those memories...then sleep engulfed me..

im still sick.

happy thursday,rockafellas

.too.late.to.change.

first and foremost..

selamat hari raya to all fellow muslims..maaf zahir dan batin dan harap halalkan semua makan minum...do forgive for all the wrong things i've done and any profanities that had been thrown to any of u..to any jokes that seems personal,pls dun bear any grudge..coz it's unintentional..all in all,do have fun for it's a whole month of visiting and closing the gap with ur closed or far ones..and...PPPAAARRRTTTYYYY!!!

im at work..on the 2nd day of raya..i'm the only muslim working now..the rest took mc..blardy..yesterday was so tiring..only 4 houses that we went to..and i only got $9 out of it all..oh wells..i was too darn embarrassed to receive anymore money from my relatives..i'm working and i'm old enough..so whenever they wanna hand out,i'll just say that it's okay..im working..haha...shy,la..

it had not been a good week..on tuesday after work i went to snip ave to do treatment,colour and trim my hair..ej fetched me at 5plus at the hairdresser's and off i went home..it didnt end off the way i had in mind...first day of raya was kinda shitty..ej lied..i am now thinking of whether something's happening behind my back that i dunno of,until the first day of raya..dude.it's the first day of joy and being on mercy to beg for forgiveness..i received a text..of a name that i don't even noe..and all was said was it was a typo error..my heart thumped madly as i think of the excuse given and how he would nvr text me with my name 'didi' in it..all would be affectionate names..so wat is this?an excuse?a veil to hide something that i'm not aware of?

im not feeling good at all about this..and he did say that he lied about something..after being defensive,after being angry with me for assuming when actually it's the truth all along..and when he finally admit,i felt like a fool..the stupidest person on earth..parts of the past came crashing thru as i dun wish to be that naive and stupid girl all over again..to be in a relationship full of lies and being cheated on..and wat happened after?beaten up by that bastard.do u think i've not learnt my lesson??doing all this just for one thing called love..to just bear with all the shits he had put me thru coz i loved him..and i dun want that to repeat again..ej wont beat me up.i noe.but to be lied and to be cheated upon,that is enuf for me to pack my bags and leave..i can flirt and kiss any guys while he's in camp.but i dun do that..i dun see the need to even think about doing that.coz he's my bf..it's contradicting isnt it?the fear u had,u're putting urself for it..it's sad..it's just so sad how stupid i can be,to be a fool in one's eyes that i dun do things while he's in camp..yet himself...i wonder how he managed his time in camp using the fone only at night,yet this can still happen...wow,ej..u amaze me..and i thought guys cant multi-task.tsk..

im still wearing the ring..im still thinking about u..and im darn a fool to even love u..i dunnoe why...but instinct's telling me to hold on still...for??

"i noe u dun trust me..and i'll do my best to regain ur trust...baby,im sorry"

happy thursday,liars.