.make.insurance.make.a.difference.

aaaaawwwwww..... :D

working here is such a pleasant experience..with great colleagues,smoke buddies and team leaders,few politics and whole lotta bitchings,i sure do love it..the lady next to me,khim is a sweetie..she's in her late forties...she's full of gusto and a 'gangster' as she like to tease ppl and playfully scold others..wonderful and a lovely 'mum' to me..she takes care of me when im not feeling well,getting me things to make me better without myself knowing...

just now,during lunch mum cooked sausages,scrambled eggs and mixed vegetables..so everything was mixed together..i ate,tasted so nice..i was craving for more..yet,suddenly my tummy hurts real bad..yea,all over again..that ordeal of myself gng to the toilet to shit,yet nothing could come out of it.alas i puked everything out..sorry,ma..it's my tummy...:(

after telling khim about it and telling her i dare nt eat solid food anymore,she got up..came back with a bowl of oats and had sprinkled bits of cereal on it...swweet!!!!i swear i was so surprised,yet so touched...:) thank you so much...thanks,'mother'..hurhur...and yes,now it's half empty and my tummy feels better..mothers are the best..and nobody could replace my own mother's love and care..it's all beyond words...:)

yesterday he called..damn early at 7plus in the evening..was still doing work..and so we talked and gosh..i missed him so much..and yes,he missed me too...i was practically stopping myself from getting too overjoyed..coz i can't be jumping up and down like wat i did at loading bay the other time..but baby,i missed u..and still am..2 more days,babes...2 more whooping days...and he'll be fetching me at loading bay on saturday after work...
*dances around*

.god.all.the.rage.

it didn't start off good..

i hate the ppl working for ns,under call centre..they are rude,impatient and expect ppl to understand their system when they dun even explain how it goes at the first place.so rude.so fucking rude.firstly they rush in their answer to my query.then when i asked them to repeat coz i didnt catch wat they were saying,they get impatient.and then i would talk to them nicely still,only then they tone down a little bit.and when i make another query,they lash again.fuck you,la..how can u be at the frontline if u're rude?blardy effers..so wat if u're working for the national service thingy..it's not like as if u gotta march everyday and u are being trained like how the ns boys do,wat..kaoz..talk nicely.u're under customer service.talk fucking nicely.assholes.

called on bf's behalf to ask about his pay as there was a mistake made.can't expect him to call himself when he gets the fone only after working hours and there's no internet there.how stupid can they get when i made a general enquiry,the staff said "no,he has to call personally." and when i explain that i just wanna noe how long does it take,they wouldn't tell me.and it's common sense to understand that he can't call.how stupid can they get?im so annoyed and disgusted.honestly!and alas,knowing that im gonna be a bitch and wont end the call until i get the answer,only then did they tell me.fuck.so annoying.it's just a stupid general question,nothing p&c.fuckinghell..

im not in a good mood at all.i was late for work,i took coffee at only 10.30,nobody had answered my calls eventhough i've been trying to call each and everyone and my data's finishing.fuck!!!!!!!!!!!

on a brighter note,let's wear that red top on saturday..-_____- i have no mood to even turn myself on.

happy thursday,AAAAAAAHHHHHHH FFFUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!(i still have not unleashed all the vulgarities i need to let out.)

.to.my.soldier.

reminiscing...

i miss those times walking aimlessly to nowhere,hand in hand we walked and laughed at people around us..i miss those times where he fetches me at the void deck,waiting patiently althou i was late..i miss those times i see him on stage,performing with shadows embrace and headbanging to the songs they played..i miss those times he would hold my hips randomly and calling me his baby..i miss those times at lanson where we drink our night away,talking about life and the obstacles we used to face..i miss those times seeing his eyes lit up at the smallest things that could make him happy..i miss those times witnessing his big laughter as his frens made a joke and him being amused so much by it..i miss those times he would patiently tell me and explain the reasons for things im unsure of..i miss those times where i'll be embarrassed and still he held me close coz he's still there for me..i miss those times where he hug me at random timing in front of all our frens at the gig...i miss those times sniffing his arm wherever we would be coz that's the closest thing that's level to my face..i miss those times snuggling up next to him and pout my lips when he tease me about the antics i used to make..i miss him kissing me better and hold me like a fragile child just to show how much he cares and soothing he can be...i miss those times where we shout randomly for no apparent reason and saying our 'hellos' to strangers coz we wanna amuse each other...i miss him...yes,i miss him...

i shall make up for yesterday by planning something when he books out on saturday... :)

'every human always talk about the past or future.we don't normally talk about the present.'

.as.time.ticks.it.suddenly.stop.like.a.heart.beating.and.the.machine.showed.a.line.

and i'm sorry,love...

yesterday i intended to post one of my bitch-lashing entry..however too much profanity used and loads of crude remarks.hence,i closed the window and decided not to post it.the reason for the entry?well coz i'm sick and tired of reading my own words being written on other ppl's blog.as in they literally copy and paste my sentences and make it seem as though it's their own.and they did not spare my principles of life..that is 'belief,faith and trust'. they tainted the meaning and they use it as thou they believe in it too..when by actual fact i strongly place those principles in my 21 yrs of life.and i should be the only one who understands the meaning behind those three words.

'my words are my emotions,my weapons of ammunition.'

wat do one understand about it?i shall not explain.coz it's for my own understanding.well,let's just say it's very much direct in the meaning.but they type it down as thou it's just a sentence.a sentence with no meaning.how pathetic can ur life get?and i remembered i posted an entry in my spaces.live.com where i placed my thoughts about the word 'forever' and how i dun believe in that.hence i would use the word 'always'.waddya noe..they copied the whole sentence of the meaning of 'always' into their blog and make it seem as though the sentence came from their intelligent mind.kapeesh!!!honestly you're just making yourself very pathetic..talk about originality..!!!
-__- and yes,actual fact,im only talking about one person.not many.just one.and i wonder how far u'll go along copying my words.shame on you..seriously.

anw,yesterday i took time off as i couldn't take my menses cramps anymore.the excruciating pain made me crouch low while talking to policyholders and i felt so weak.by 4pm i decided to go off.i rested and slept till past 7pm and there,i waited for his call.by 9.30 i was already fidgety..kept checking my mobile,no miss calls,nothing.then it went past 10pm.i knew he wont call.
i texted darf n asked if sufi had called her as bf and sufi are in the same camp..decided to call her."babe...ej tried to call u many times..but he couldn't get thru..." wtf!!!omg..i cried there and then..while talking to her,my fone beeped in which 7 texts came in..i didnt noe wat was gng on.."he said that he misses u so much and he realli wanna hear ur voice..but he can't get thru..something wrong with ur fone.."after she gave some comforting words,we ended the call and i checked my texts..3 from ej and another 4 from pipi,tsue,mil and naz.i read thru..gosh..the text from tsue should've been received at 4+ in the afternoon..realised it must have been starhub problem..that typical lagging in receiving texts and calls..comfort calls thanks to tsue and pipi..ej actually called pipi and asked darf to ask tsue..oh god..i am so sorry..i cried myself to sleep as i knew we both had missed each other..and it was my fault that we didnt get to talk..i blame myself..im sorry..i buried my face in his shirt and fell aslp,still i teared..

happy wednesday,babes..

.go.away.

tummy pangs??well it was actually cramps...

excruciating cramps more like it.yea...red dot day has come..and im feeling ever so damn pms-y.and i almost lashed on this impatient policyholder who was being an ass to me.but i didn't.almost,but didn't.normal procedure of what i would've done:
1) call ej.
2) complain to him.
3) have a fag.

i only carried out no.3 and im feeling so damn shitty and full angst.and yes,this is the time where i need ej the most coz i noe i will have breakdowns for no apparent reasons and i'll feel very,very angry most of the time,for no reason.and he'll always be there to cool me down or to distract me from feeling all those wrath.it's hard for me to control..i could nvr be able to control..coz the more i try,the more it gets worse.trust my words.or u can ask anyone that noes me.i really need him at this point of time...and yes,today's ONLY monday.-___________-

.hopes.and.dreams.

continuation from previous entry..

so me and ej went all the way to substation from memo to withdraw some cash..and i already felt like fainting..black spots were covering my vision and i was having cold sweats..he kept holding me and asked me to grip his arm just so that any slack in energy,he noes when to grab me i guess..decided to cab to our destination which costs ten freaking bucks when without the surcharge it would've been prolly $7plus only.

finally our bodies met as we hugged and our tongue lashes.okay.no details,shall we?the night was well spent as i lied in his arms,yes on his chest where i missed the most as that's my comfort spot whenever we sleep together.and throut the night we talked and held each other..in the morning,he was dead asleep in my arms instead and yes,there was a pool of "water" on my chest..he blardy drooled.hahahahah...how cute..yet,eeks!!hurhur..he himself was so embarrassed..but baby,come on..it's normal..to drool on ppl's body..-_____________-
we realli spent a great night and morning..and it was awesome as we talked and laughed and poked each other,watching our antics and laughing about it..u silly boy..then after,we went off for home..

.sunday afternoon.
woke up pretty late and realied i overslept when i was suppose to accompany pipi yet she was quite mad i couldn't make it.my tummy was being an ass again,hence was contemplating whether to still send ej off or not..i endured and got ready and off i went outta the house.he called,knowing i was in so much pain and told me that he'll come over instead and from my place he'll head to chua chu kang,to his camp.but i was out already and i didnt mind gng over to yishun then to cck to send him..everywhere i go,i see army boys..at the int,in the bus,at yishun...everywhere.and i noe i had to prepare to bid him gdbye..i held back my tears as i visioned wat will happen later on..he met me at the bus stop in yishun and we proceed to the train station.it was so hard not being able to hold him again,or anymore..he was coaxing me as i was already near tears while waiting for his bus to camp.i noe he didn't wanna see me upset..but i just dun want him to go..but he have to..i noe..as he board the bus and i was at the traffic light,he saw me wiping my tears away..im sorry u had to see it..honestly i thought u were far from my view..but u saw everything..i'm sorry..i didnt mean to cry..

went to whitesands from cck..gosh!!the journey!!thank god i had my mp3 and book with me..had dinner with pipi and left for home..

i would like to say my thanks to my babes for being there for me during that 2 weeks..tsue,pipi,rai,fhil,darf,nazeerah,masirah and johnny..you guys were my pillars when i fall..you guys were the ones who had given me helpful advices and support..nothing can show my gratitude nor repay your kindness.but for now,i would like to thank you..for keeping me strong,for listening to me whenever i cry or miss him..for making me stand here still,though still weak,yet stronger...thank you,thank you,thank you for filling those days without emptiness..

as i woke up just now..i knew i had a very bad,disturbing dream..it's not easy dreaming about the things i fear the most..nor the things that i wish not to happen..the things that i've dreaded so much..and yet,how do i ask him?i wouldn't wanna agitate him nor to make him think that i'm paranoid for thinking/dreaming about it.but it realli affects me..and i wish i could ask him now to noe the answer...it's affecting me real bad..
i realised it's harder when i've just met him,yet he's gone again..that 2 weeks i pulled myself thorough..then on friday i released all those times of being strong hence i depended on him without realising..and then now,it kinda came back to square one..but hey..i'll be seeing him again this saturday,rite?and on each and every saturday..so smile,didi..smile..

happy monday,loves.

.wishes.wishing.wished.

it's not that easy...

.friday.
that night,awesome.he fetched me at loading bay..nazeerah was the sweetest as she accompanied me while waiting for him.him in his army uniform..gah!!so hot!!!and yes,he's sssoo much darker now..hurhur..and so he took the risk and we hugged for the longest time...gosh..the hug that i've been waiitng for..finally...and so he went over to my area and we bought mcdees..sat at the void deck after grabbing the bag from my house and passed him the gifts i've been getting for him.yes,a whole lot.ha...and yes,he loved it.sadly,we couldnt kiss nor hug that much..coz of him in his uniform..i held myself back whenever i had the urge to throw him a hug..coz i wouldnt wanna get him in trouble..but it was really hard when there he was in front me,yet the distance's killing me...precious,i love you..

.saturday.
woke up in the morning and rushed to the shower.off i went to his place as he fetched me at the void deck in his army running singlet and yes,check out the body,balls..hot,hot,heat.his mum greeted me with warmth and the grandma with an awaiting smile.and so we chat and laughed and his mum shared some stories..ej's realli glad his mum likes me..apparently to him,his mum loves me.kapeesh!!well honestly i feel glad myself.and so we went off in the afternoon for my appointment at raffles for my haircut.
he was stoning away in the train..and soon after he fell asleep,with his head lolling and it's obvious that he was dead to the world..i feel quite upset and guilty somehow..i bet he needed his rest but instead he was out with me..and i was kinda quiet,hence he knew somthing's wrong..without myself explaining anything,he just said.."baby,just now was just a power nap..and i won't be tired when i'm with u..so dun feel sad,okay?"thank you for those words..i'm realli appreaciative of him..he noes me well as i dun need words to express my emotions or feelings...thank you..

and so,the haircut was BAD.pipi's personal hairdresser literally chop off my bangs when i told her to trim it.and so now,i look realli weird.."not as bad as you think.."mar,my colleague told me..but i realli feel ugly.ej said i looked cute.baby,i dun wanna look cute.i wanna look like how i had in my head.isit so hard to understand the word 'trim??"i was awfully upset and called pipi..there i teared.yes,im very anal about my hair..the slightest mistake could make me so disappointed and change my view about the hairdresser.after the haircut,we bumped into aji at the platform.sweet enuf to make me feel better by showing off his hair..and he said that his looks ten times worse..and ej and him were trying to persuade me that it looks fine..i was already contemplating to buy a cap.seriously.
went to tan tock seng hosp to visit my colleague,mas..me and ej were lazing at the chair and we all talked and laughed till finally we decided to have dinner and mit zul.
at burger king..
"baby,u noe all those times when i told u i've had enuf and i can't take it anymore with u...?well,those 2 weeks made me realise how much i really do need you and how u've always been there for me..thanks,baby..."in the midst of having my mouth agape to savour that burger(not romantic at all)i teared..i wouldn't be this strong if not for his words each night..im reali grateful that i have him..and i would wanna be with him,all the time..and im doing all this,of holding on,of being strong and being supportive just for our future...future that holds,where no one noes..yet,we planned and we kept faith..
met zul,and him being shocked coz baby's so dark...off we went to city hall to watch fireworks..packed with human congestion and my tummy's feeling funny..it's been 2 weeks already that my tummy has pangs..and i noe i had to endure..went to the end of esplanade like how it used to be back then..nys and zahid came by and then the rest came..faat,raymond,epul,azri,akram and the others..i dun think there's a need in noting their names down..me and faat entertained ej by dancing like how the back-up vocals dances..and we were singing along to the live band that was playing at the waterfront.i put on a fake smile and fake self when actually my tummy was at its worst.
headed to memo and chilled there instead and ej tried akram's huge ass scrambler..yes,he looked hot.my bf,that is..and so we talked and faat was the main entertainer...police cars came and screened us as that was their routine..obviously we were all over age and we were not doing anything wrong..so we were cool about it.i was the only girl among the rest of the guys..and i was the last one where the policeman handed my ic back.yet,the fact that my photo was obviously "female",he shouted my name,in search of me,when i was prominent from where he's standing.and yes,they all laughed about it.i forced each to say my nickname when me and ej went off bfore saying gdbye..coz imagine all those mockery i got that night,balls.thanks,mr policeman.-_________________-

too darn long entry..

.for.all.these.while.

HE'S COMING HOME TODAY!!!!!!!

:D

called at 6plus..was still at work...

"baby..i'll fetch u after work at 8pm,okay??"

INDESCRIBABLE.

it's all beyond words..

.left's.itching.

somehow i'm still smelling the air in the Genting..how fresh...

last night i changed my appointment so that i could go on that day itself..while paying at the counter i received a text from him..which says that his fone's totally flat and he cant call me..i walked in the rain,feeling so upset and lousy..decided to cab back home and called pipi,who was in skul till 10pm,hence i was feeling too darn alone..

while having dinner,more like playing with my food,my fone rang.hell yea it was him who called...sswwweeeeettt!!!i was overjoyed,yet still upset..and he apologised for his text as his batt's realli dying..seriously i can't go a night without hearing his voice..and i am realli thankful that he actually took the initiative to call me still regardless..babe,i love you...

during lunch just now,after eating at the pantry the girls and i went to loading bay for a fag.then after it was left with me,nazeerah and our manager,ashik.we were gossiping away when finally i decided to give him the 'chop chop pass' joke.HA!!!!!he did answer correctly.but there was no reaction.all he gave was that 'i-shall-not-entertain-u-anymore' kinda look.blardy!!hahaha...it's great having him as our manager as he's cool like that,yaw..we can talk shits with him and he won't show his position so that ppl ard him are all comfortable..but of course,respect is still a must...

BITCHES,IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!so it's either tonight he books out,or 2MRW MORNING!!!!!!!GAH!!!!! i so can't wait to be in his arms...after fucking 2 long weeks..!!!!

happy friday,tits.

.that's.wat.you.get.when.you.let.your.heart.win.whooooohh..

tummy pangs..

im feeling so lousy..i got into a tiff with mum in the morning..not a good way to start the day..wat more when i was late for work and took a cab..and everywhere i go,the traffic light's on red.bah!sucky..anw,after work last night i went to do my eyebrow trimming..and that lady had done a mistake on my left brow..it was shorter than the right..so i had to draw it.okay u noe wat??it's not even a big deal,but i just need to complain about it..and so i reached home,had dinner and waited for his call..

only to receive a call from his mum..and i knew it's bad news.."didi...tadi ej call cik..dier suroh cik pesan yg dier tak boleh call didi...battery dier dah low.." i swear i felt like just screaming and crying and bawling like how kids do..okay,prolly not to that extent,but my disappointment was beyond words..after we hung up i was practically stoning...then a text came..

thank you for trying to find ways to call me still..

i appreciate it much..

my tummy hurts real bad..i dun need or feel like shitting..just that it pangs..not cramps,but pangs..go away for eff's sake..2mrw i have appointment..if he books out 2mrw night,i'll cancel..and yes,let's spend the night together again...can't wait,can't wait!!!but then again...it might be saturday morning..nevertheless,i'll still be here for u,awaiting..

i think i'll have a fag..not much work done still,but oh gives much hell!

happy thursday,faggots.

.indescribable.

something i need to say coz it'll be nothing when you're gone..

went home last night ever so shagged..once i reached the front door mum asked me to call my 16yr old cousin.the fact that i'm not as close to her..so i wondered wat happened till i gotta talk to her..mum said the night bfore she tried committing suicide.she was at the ledge of my aunt's living room window..and she stays at the 21st storey.wtf!!i was appalled upon hearing the news..and i feel sad for her..she's still in her teens..wat made her so stressed up to go to the extend of ending her life??yea..her parents had an impromptu divorce..it was shocking news as everyone learnt of that.but to end her life just coz her dad's gone?it can be sad..i may not feel her coz my parents were together though dad passed on..but i do understand her..she must be feeling so stressed and unloved,i guess...but honestly,wat do i say?i noe her influence by friends are bad..and the fact that she informed me last yr that she's into the 'emo' scene(wtf)had left me with a stigma that 'madrasah' girls can be bad.that's my opinion,of course..exterior they are fully-clothed..interior,they have a bad heart..well who could blame me?the fact that my dad's side of the family wear scarf..from the young to the old ones..yet they gossip,are arrogant and are show-offs.oh wells..

wat do i tell her?when she told me she's an 'emo' i told her "okay...well,let's just make sure i dun see u cutting ur wrists or shits like it."and then now?a year later??*sigh* i do wanna talk to her..ej said.."just tell her life is full of surprises..and she's too young to end her life..divorce is not the end of everything.." but would that explain everything?she may not understand at all..and if she were to seek help from her frens,wat advices would they give??just slash those wrists??*slaps forehead*

i think wat she needs is to just be patient and of course she needs attention from her mum..my aunt can be very unreasonable at times..lashing at her for no apparent reason and of course,not caring whether it's public or at home..i guess it makes everyone think of wat they really need to provide for my cousin.if the family of my dad's side are not as crude and arrogant,i think me,pipi and yana would've been close to the other cousins..see,we are the only 3 that are not wearing scarves..although we were being forced to at times,and yes,we still ignore..coz look at it this way..i'm not ready..i believe that once i wear a head scarf,that's the time that i would have to noe myself..to be closer to God and to be somewat pure..coz wat's the point of covering up,looking pious,yet u're talking behind someone's back,doing things you noe you shouldn't be doing?isn't that a sin that one's creating?so knowing myself,i noe hell for sure im not ready..coz i'll be lying with myself,wat more to God.

ej called yesterday and that conversation made me happy all day long,up till today...yes,he might book out on friday night..im not putting my hopes high..coz i dun wanna get disappointed at the end of the day..but wat made me so ecstatic is coz we had a gd conversation..eventhough it's short,it was pale in comparison to last few days'.yes,i love him.

happy wednesday,& it's time to do my eyebrows after work,fellas..

.i'll.count.the.stars.tonight.

i don't want nor need unneccessary attention..

i just need him.

i couldn't believe i actually was about to call him..thinking we can meet up.it totally slipped my mind that he's far away..not too far..but still quite distanced away from me..and then when i was about to press that 'call' button,it hit me that he's in camp.my heart broke and i was left limp.

i hate this feeling.

i just need him.i wanna cuddle up next to him.lie on his chest and pour out the emotions of those times missing him.i wanna feel relieved.i wanna hold hands and kiss.i wanna feel the love physically and noe that he loves me so.i wanna be with him.i wanna hug him.i just need him to be here with me.coz it's been lonely nights and days without him.and only his voice and one text each night that keeps me asleep.i need him.

.i feel very much alone.

.i.tried.to.pull.through.

it used to be lovely..but time stole it all...

i'm back at work and im feeling so sick.think i'm running a fever and wat's worse is when i feel like puking..god..the feeling's terrible..but i can't afford to go on half day nor time off..since i just got back from 4 days of holiday..honestly right now i feel like gng back to genting..or even to kl eventhough it was scorching hot and i didnt enjoy myself much,pale in comparison to when i was at genting..the weather..how family had fun..it was awesome..

i wanna go back there..no worries and just relax and have fun..how i dun think too much of my personal problems and how about overcoming it..yet,now when i'm back..god..how fucking much i hate it all..no pillar to lean on nor to depend on..i noe i gotta overcome this myself..with all the problems piling up,and work's not giving help and all..anticipating to 4 more days bfore i finally mit him..but honestly,that anticipation's fading away..that distance's killing me..yea,i gotta understand..no matter wat i gotta be there for him..but it's realli killing me..to not hear that joy in his voice anymore..ns is being a bitch..and i totally agree and very much hate it.i noe i gotta be patient.but it's running out when at the end of the day,i'm only trying to run away from all the problems life had thrown at me and i gotta fake being happy.

i just can't take with all the responsibilties mum just talked to me about..wat with the secret liz had asked me to hold,which is huge coz we're talking about my own sister..wat with mum and elder sister...fucking hell...i just wanna get out from this mess..it doesnt involve me,eventhough they're my family..but it wasn't me who wanted to create the problem at the first fucking place.ahh fuck.i just wanna get out from everything...each day,i wait for his call..coz his voice makes me better...each day i ask how's his day..each day i'll remind him that i love him...each day i dun talk about my life at all..each day i try to make him feel better coz he misses his family...each fucking day,i think about my problems...and each fucking day,i pretend,lied and faked my day through it all.

and i'm fucking exhausted.

happy tuesday,cannibals.

.9.more.days.

where should i start...

last night rushed home and got ready again..baby called me!!!at 7.50pm...so early!!!gah!!!i miss him...and he missed me so much..he gave me some advice as 2mrw i'm off to genting..and he assured me that he'll be fine while im away..have yet to subscribe auto roam..but i'll do it later then...anw,met liz at tamp int as well as tsue..took a cab to parkway parade and we went shopping!!!geez..i totally overspent..and cotton body was fucking cheap..but i didnt get anything from there..anw,got myself a top for genting and a hot red spag for seduction.ha!!k..bitchy moment there..hahah..so then we head to starbucks..bought the fucking orgasmic ice mocha frapp and went to ljs to eat..we had a very bitchy bitch talks and it was awesome..time was past 10pm..still we had so much to talk about..thank god tsue and liz could get along..and so we took a cab home.AGAIN...and oh yes..for those who thinks aunt annie's still opened in parkway,you're wrong.trust me.we walked the whole basement,to only see that it's under construction.blardy!!!no pretzels for me..

liz and i sat at paper cigar..we shared life stories..and i see her as my own elder sister..we shared our problems..we talked about things that we dare not share with our own sisters..she told me things that she have yet to tell my sister as she's pipi's best fren..i love talking to her as she's older than me and she's matured and direct in giving advices..seriously..im thankful that pipi has her..

she told me something that made me realli disgusted...realli pissed..and i dunno how about asking the situation to the person that i realli love..someone that had always been there for me..the fact that she fucking lied to me??and wat more her own family..thing is i noe she noes me well..hence didn't wanna tell me..coz she noes that if i've put my mind to it or i've decided on the decision.there's no way u can bend your ways to make me contemplate.fuck.i was so pissed off.she betrayed me.she lied.she's gonna lie to family..for someone else..why..and i just wish i can just talk to her about it..but i noe once i start i would not even have any respect for her anymore.yes,im talking about my own sister.the person that i realli care and love.and yet,she betrayed me.im disappointed in her..i noe that if i were to talk to her,im not gonna listen to any explanations..it wont be good enuf.i dun even wanna try to understand.im hard-headed that way.but if anyone were to be in my position,i bet my ass u'd stand ur ground and fight.

i can't talk to anyone about this.and it's killing me.i can talk to ej.coz he's in ns and i dun want him to think...as in i bet he's tired...sigh..i dunno wat to do...

happy thursday,bimbos

.18.&.26.july.

atrocity known as man..

did overtime last night and went to tmart to join pipi and liz at mcdonalds..i was so shagged..missing him so bad..but i wanted to chill out still...so reached there and talked...then suddenly,my fone rang..before i checked the name or the display picture of the caller,somehow i knew it was him...and yes,i was right... :)

he called at 8.24pm,balls!!how early is that!!and he had to surrender his mobile at 9pm.aaaggghhh!!!!pure bliss!!!but thing is i was outside..so i couldnt realli express my relief nor excitement being able to talk to him..oh babe,i love you.ha...by 8.45 he wanted to hang up as he wants to join his frens jog..wat the eff..so semangat..and so he texted,as promised..and yes,he texted while jogging.kapeesh!!haha...he's so happy coz the officers were not around and they were all at the parade ground..and happily he was boasting that his company and platoon didn't get shits from the officers unlike the others..haha..silly boy..but yea..let's look forward,baby...

i gotta stop taking cabs to work..seriously..waste of money..and yes,im pretty happy how things are gng.feelin me??boy i love you..

happy wednesday,stars....2 more days....7 monthiversary!!!

counting down...10 more days to book out:)

.incomplete.

will you listen to my story...will you take my hand..will you lead me the way..will you take away my pain and show me the world...
will you make me contented with this life of mine..where i believe angels exist and Heavens will hear me cry..will you speak with great fervor as i lie in your arms and tell you about my life..
will we walk through this lane of bitter sweet memories..of us having tiffs and us feeling something's amiss...will u replace my sorrow and grief and bring a smile to me..
will you fill this gap with the love i yearn to receive..with the kiss that we had that marks our journey...
will you sit by me and listen to our songs..as we smoke our night away just like we did the other time..will you comfort me each and every time as i soak your sleeve wet with problems of my own..
will you laugh at the antics we make coz we noe we're making each other happy...will you watch me fall aslp with our fingers intertwined just like we did the other time..
will you tell me that i'm yours and you're mine always to keep..will you plan again how our future should be coz we believe in destiny..will you go to sacred places just you and me and reminisce the things we did..
will you show me the love as how much i will give or even more..coz you mean the world to me,baby...and i feel lonely and empty without you here with me..

will you ever...for me..for us...for this...

.baby.you.gotta.be.strong.

coz yesterday...i fell..

it was hard..counting the number of minutes that will pass me by..hoping time could just be fast forwarded just so i'll listen to his voice again..did overtime and i was completely exhausted as i rested on the bed.time was 9pm.still,i received no calls..so i texted and i tried calling.but mobile was switched off...

showered and brought my fone with me..wherever i go..i can't miss this chance..i just can't afford to..time went past 9.30...past 9.45..i cried..they gotta surrender by 10pm..is there any chance for him to call me?i wondered..there i was crying my eyes out,till finally at 9.53,my fone rang.

i couldnt control those tears from flowing neither could i control those hiccups and chokes in my voice..i knew for sure that as fast as how he tried to call,that's as fast as how the officer would want them to end their calls..3mins.that's all i had.

3mins of myself tearing,not even talking..and i shouldnt have done that.my sobs were uncontrollable.i couldnt stop it.i'm sorry...but this ns thing is killing me..no.just surrendering their fone's killing me...honestly i cant go a day without knowing he's well..he's okay..wiped those sheer sadness away as i had promised to call his mum.

she did make me feel better..talked about him and how his remarks could be..and all those memories where mums have of her son..and it was beyond words as i could see the love that a parent could give and provide..

i couldn't sleep till 3am..i've been fagging a lot..and it's weird not talking to him during lunch or when im otw home..or even when im home..i still have not gotten used to this,though it's already 4 days he's gone..but i noe i will eventually..off to genting on friday till monday..i gotta subsribe for auto-roam..it sucks to force oneself to sleep every night..when all i need was u to make me sleep..just like how it used to be...

happy tuesday,lasses.

.all.i.have.is.your.voice.

one thing to look forward to..

there's 2 ppl in charge of a new project..adibah and myself..and wat we are to do is to evaluate the calls our colleagues had done..and that includes the staff that had resigned...

looked through the names of ppl that i gotta review and evaluate..my smoke buddies,my colleagues next to me..the ppl that talks with a funny accent..and wat caught my eyes was a particular name..'Rafneezan'.i swear i almost gave a loud cry of surprise..

obviously i noe we used to work together..but the fact that i get to evaluate his call..which means i get to listen to his voice...gah!!!i swear i was overjoyed.. :) and yes,that's how much i really miss him..

the heart beats silent beats,
unheard to all ears.
an empty feeling it feels,
a hole in the middle.
the emptiness is killing me,
a yearn to be complete,
a yearn to kill this loneliness.
everything's hollow and had died,
and so it seems.
each time i think,
i become much more weak.
a glimmer of hope,
to be enveloped again.
yet it's far,
beyond my reach.
time will pass us by,
in time it ticks.
in every moment i feel something's amiss,
in every moment i feel so empty.
yet somehow my heart still thumps,
awaiting for the return,
of the hug i've been longing to receive.

.this.is.the.longest.2.weeks.ever.

and so..

on saturday after work went to 'split' as they were having sale..bought myself 3 tops,1 top for ej..and yes,i went overbudget.kapeesh!took my own time and i had to rush back home coz family's about to go out and i wanted to change my clothes.it was scorching hot.decided to wait for pipi and go there with her.so...i had quite some time to kill bfore heading there..
at abt 8plus in the evening..was at the door,fone vibrated..checked..OMG!!!IT'S EJ!!!!i was crying madly listening to his voice..yea..sounds so dumb,but i missed him so much..talked to him..yea,he's fine..just tired and feeling hot..they fed him well,they took care of him..all's well...i had to go in the car,promised to call him back.."baby..call me soon,pls..i really miss you.." upon hearing that request,i decided to forget about privacy and called him while in the car otw to uncle's place..i went in my cousin's room and poured my emotions over the fone..i swear i was missing him so mad,yet was so relieved to hear his voice again..by 8.50pm we hung up as he had to surrender his fone..by then,i was begging him not to put down,eventhough i noe i had no choice..and with a heavy heart,we ended the call..
had a feast at uncle's place..cousins gave my presents for my belated bdae.. :)

got home,talked to mum and told her the truth about me and ej..that yes,i'm in a relationship with him..and so she gave me her blessings..he's the 2nd bf thruout my life that i told her about..so that's good..anws,she had seen him a couple of times,even went to my place once to fetch ally..so it's good.."tkcr of urself,dun forget urself.."that was her advice..

sunday.
woke up pretty late,went back to sleep for an afternn nap..had a dream about him getting heat stroke and warded in icu.woke up crying my eyes out.texted him,got ready and off me,my mum and bro went to marina square's bowling alley.waited for george,pipi and ally..yes,it's officially the first time family's meeting george..i scored a strike!!but lost still..-____- and george and bro got along very well...pipi's pleased about it..
walked to suntec and had dinner at BaliThai..ordered a whole lotta stuff..bloated once walked out of the restaurant..

in the midst of it all..

time was past 8.30pm..i became worried..no calls from him...texted my babes..i was near tears...past 8.45pm..i was slowly losing hope that he'd call...9pm.done.he wont be calling..i was already tearing..i was so scared..wondered wat happend to him..i clutched my fone tightly in my hand bfore placing it into my handbag..9.30pm..everyone was deep in conversation..i was spacing out..fone vibrated..EJ!!!!!fuck.i answered..excused myself,went out and was in tears.again.-_____________-
apparently it was raining,everything was delayed..and he was tearing too..he missed me,his mum and freedom..he missed spending time with me..he missed everything...my poor baby...talked to him,and waddya noe..the dream i had?an intuition.AGAIN..he does suffer from heat shitzits..i dunno wat it's called..but yea,it's true that he can't be in the heat for so long..it's scary..this is the second time i'm getting signs about him..
he called his mum,and i followed pipi and george while mum and bro went to carrefour to get some stuffs..talked to baby again..and promised to text me bfore surrendering his mobile..which he did..and yes,baby..i missed u too...

i love you.

happy monday,dickies.

.strength.

this is my third entry for the day..dunno why but i just feel like blogging..somehow i feel much better writing down my thoughts..15 more mins before i end work today..off to go shopping and then to my aunt's place..honestly im already missing my saturday routine of meeting him..but after this 2 weeks,i'll be able to see him every weekend..that is to fetch him each time he books out..

i miss those times where i can randomly call him..each lunch hour i'll call him and we'll talk..and then after work or during night time..i can't be petty now..i can't afford to..just how hard it is that i'm missing him is pale in comparison to wat he's gng thru..serving the nation..i've sent him prolly 5 text msgs today..i noe he won't reply till that call that i'm waiting for..but in other words,im just reminding him that he's got me..and that i love him and will always miss him..

i'm off for holidays next friday to monday..to genting,kl and jb with my family..im gonna miss him loads but one thing for sure is that at least i wont be thinking too much..doubt i can call him as i have to auto-roam..

time's up!time to go shopping...let's think positive..be optimistic...

i hold u tightly in my heart,etched in my mind,known to my soul..

.one.year.ten.months.

even angels gets lost,

when the sky turns dark grey.

every hope and wish unanswered,

buried in one's heart ache.

to wrap it's angel wings around me,

a request left unnoticed.

a choice i could not make,

and to live with the destiny i am to face.

show me guidance and enlighten me,

of this written fate.

with love i wait patiently,

with the trust we've made.

a promise left unbroken,

to be with u till our dying day.

cherish you with all my heart,

i am willing to stay.

.11.July.08

13 more days..

went to sleep all the way till 9plus at night..woke up and checked my mobile..5 miss calls..3 texts..first thing i saw was that i got a miss call from my bf..damnit!!!quickly i read his text and called him.."baby..i gotta surrender my hp already.."i teared.."why?!?" "i dunno..hurry.." i was lost for words..nothing came to my mind but to talk to him..to listen to his voice..instead i was on the fone feeling so sad..it was less than 2 minutes that we got the chance to talk..and he said "i can only call u 2mrw night..but it's only for a little while.." oh god,baby..

with a heavy heart i ended the call...i didnt mean to cry over the fone and not getting the chance to say "i love u too.."i cried so bad that now my eyes are totally swollen..i slept with his shirt on my face..just imagining how i always lie on his chest;sleeping..i called darf..as sufi's in the same company as ej..both are in "Charlie"..
and so she told me that unlike army boys in tekong,the boys in infantry has to surrender their mobiles each night..they get to use the fone only for like 10-15mins each night..in which they could not sleep with their fones..they'll have to go to taiwan and thailand,minimum a month of training there in time to come..fuck,yes..i was crying so bad by then...
the only thing that im looking forward to is his call tonight..i'll be gng over to my aunt's place to celebrate my bday..a very belated bdae,that is..but no matter wat,i'll answer his calls..even if im cutting the cake,he calls,i'll rush out of the house to the staircase and talk to him..coz that's the only thing i'm looking forward to..his voice makes everything feel better for me..coz i miss him so damn much..and that time where i can talk to him is the most precious..coz it'll only be once that i get to talk to him each nite...

i miss him so much...

the reason for this blog is coz i cant go to my blog anymore..coz it's one of those websites being restricted at work.so for now i'll update here..which i'll copy and paste when i get back home.if any of u chance upon this blog, and if u wanna noe more about my life,this is my main blog website..

www.ladiedidi.spaces.live.com

happy saturday,angels..