.just.trying.to.find.my.way.

back home..

he finally called on thursday,which in the end i didnt go to work coz he had called quite late and i didnt get any wink of sleep..problems,problems..it's never ending yet when the person u seek solace so much finally appeared,everything is okay once again..yet when u think about it,he was the reason the need of solace happened.

i didnt wanna make any decision..neither haste nor thoughtful one..coz i noe it will nvr be the one that i want one day..amidst of talking my heart and feelings split into two..of missing and of hate..wouldnt lie to say that..he had hurt me so much..i hate him for explaining coz it makes everything surreal..i hate him for telling me he loves me still..though i love him too..and i wish that everything didnt happen...to tarnish any happy endings that may be there for us..but rite now there's nothing else for me to trust.

hence wat i thought that's the best was that i should just let him prove me wrong..that he's the worthy one and that one fine day i can trust him.which he agreed...he'll fight for us..for me?i just let fate take over and decide when i've finally see his point.

never have i been in this situation...giving chances just becoz ur heart says so..while the mind is telling me..take precautions..i took the risk..too much that we've gone through..i cant just leave and walk away...i love him..i still love him..

although everything was resolved,the baggage was too heavy for us to carry..the wound is still fresh,slit opened and still bleeding..we missed each other..we talked..we joked..we laughed...we smiled..end of conversation,im still hurting inside..everything is too fresh and too abrupt to start anew..or to continue the good times,from where we left it..but it's too abrupt for us to do that..and in the end i see us hurting...i see us hating...haste decision..complied and argued..

silence all over again.

due to insubordination he couldnt book out..the only time i can meet him is next weekend..but i dun even feel like seeing him,to be honest..i would wanna hug him,put my arms around him,and him around mine..but it's all still too raw..

im left with 0 fags eversince 2pm just now..rite now it's 2.03am..and a need of that rite now..i slept throughout the day,ira would've known,after sleeping on her while on the fone..rite now im fully awake,bro woke up,(he's back from qatar,yes)and asked if i want any mcdees..asked for filet burger,didnt eat except for breakfast..and rite now,waiting for him,typing away and contemplating to go down to 711 later to get my fags..the fact that it's gonna be damn dark outside and quiet,it gives me the creeps..but the thought of being outside is welcoming..oh yes,bro's back..looked in the mcdees plastic bag,he bought meal for me..and no other burgers/meals for him...i guess im not the only one rite now who needs a breather...

dead and gone....

.it.all.became.my.silent.scream.

good times..

breathe....

i miss him. i miss hearing his voice and i miss his laughter. i miss imagining his smile when he's talking over the phone. i miss his arms of grace and i miss his protection. i miss him and there's nothing else that i'm thinking of than a heart feeling amiss.

we have yet to talk properly and resolve things..each time i call, his cell will be switched off..there's no way that i can get thru him..i would rather have this done and over with..not the 'deciding' part,but to just get the truth and to hear any explanations that he may give.. i just need him to come clear..and maybe one day, we'll create closure.

each time i think of him,a part of my heart starts to weep.disappointment. there's no longer rage or am i raving mad..actually for that whole prolly 20mins after knowng abt the picture,i was pissed. but after,i realised that yes,i was disappointed in him.. gng thru so much,of holding on,sacrificing for just one thing that makes life going...love.pretty cliche,but that's how i've always been feeling.

i still love him,no doubt about that.weird,isn't it..he had hurt me so much till my heart literally bleeds yet i would wanna love him still..maybe he don't deserve to be part of me anymore,but as much as i don't want him,that's how much i want him.he made me believe his words,he lied thru his teeth and he betrayed my trust,wasn't loyal.i've always thought the best of him..regardless fights,squabbles and any arguments,i'll crawl back to him..again and again...

but this is all too much..he had hurt me deeply..getting my back pierced soon,yet i get my heart pierced instead.nobody can ever believe he would do sucha thing..as one said.."i am loss for words"..nobody.he had always been the best picture framed..and when this happens,tainted.

i cant give him another chance..maybe i can..but i wanna noe his story..i dunno y he switched off his cell since yesterday..but it seems he's avoiding me..not wanting to have the 'talk' maybe..but without that,how do we resolve things?as said..my mind is so calm rite now..if he wants me back..he gotta earn it...if he really loves me and is committed in this relationship..he gotta show it..he gotta be how he is,being the reason i fell for him..if i were to give in again,baggage.how do u trust someone who had did that at the first place?i still love him.but this is all too much..

i miss him and i wish to hear his voice soon..eventhough one day he'll see the back of me,i would rather him explaining to me first before i walk away..maybe for good...or maybe to be with him again one day...once he did wat he could do to show that he is the one i should be with..always..

thanks to my babes,seriously for being there..tsue,rai,ira,nysh,lulu and uncle..the listening ears..all the advice and all the bitchings and being mad (for me)...u guys are the greatest..thanks for understanding how i feel and withstanding my complaints and thoughts..thank you..specially to ira,who paged me all the way in facebook eversince it happened..

so it's confirmed im doing the star piercing on my back.next saturday?or next month's pay..surface piercing is expensive and it depends on ur skin of how long it'll last.but it's worth it.satisfaction to own's contentment.

and i need a drink(s).heinekin,margarita,baileys,martini or vodka?babes meet up soon.and uncle,let's go!!

again,i miss you.

.lie.to.my.face.

a woman's instinct's usually correct.

i finished work early and went outta office by 7.15am..took the train which was packed and i knew that i don't wanna be home early..coz that's when it'll all hit me and i'll think about it all..alighted at bugis,took 12 home..

i stare into nothingness and everything came slowly to my mind..i stopped myself from crying..in fact nothing came to my eyes..it wasnt tired,neither teary..i was just..felt like a stone.i reminisced,thinking of all the things that we've done..the sacrifices we made..how we suffered..and now it's all left to waste..

once i reached home after that hour long journey,i tried calling.line was cut off,note to self to pay once midnight strikes.i went to my room,feeling so dazed..i sat on my bed..that was when i let myself cry..

violently my body shook and hot tears streamed my face..i rocked myself as my lungs tighten to the multiple chokes and i lost it all.lost myself as i felt that the person crying is not me..scared myself,actually..coz it was all so horribly cried,somewhat.crying for a loss.yet..it shouldn't have been this way..

a good 20mins of crying(not that i timed myself,just that i think it's that long)as i knew i had no control over it at all anymore...i tried counting 1-10..i was still shaking badly and wailing..i felt possessed.but i noe it's just emotions overcoming my sanity.i finally knew wat's the best remedy...of prayers..as i rocked my body and selawat...after wat it seems like a very long time since i did that..i called God for help..i repeated the prayer i knew best...and it all soothed me..finally i stopped.and trust me,i've nvr felt so calm..

rite now i'm still clueless of wat to do..and i think time will tell..one fine day..hopefully..and then..i'll be okay..

coz u've hurt me too much..

.your.lies.and.deceit.

drunken stupor?

in between our meet ups u'll get a text..from a fren that we both noe..a girl..had an arugment abt it,thinking what she wants and everything else..trusting the fact that she's just a fren that we both knew and nothing else.yesterday,sunday..in the midst of the movie u received a text from her.hastily u kept ur cell back in ur pocket.asked wat she wants.u said dunnoe..u cant reply coz my fault of not paying the bill yet.i sat at the corner feeling so detached from u..i finally gave in as we intertwined our fingers again...

today somehow my heart says..check out her profile..waddayanoe,she had just uploaded a new album..st james the other time that he went..where he said an event to be out with his bunkmates..trusted.note,i hate bfs gng to club.im just insecure that way.situation cocked up as u called that day saying he's only with his cq and our frens..the boys and some girls i noe..i think.isn't it supposed to be your boy's day out with ur ns frens?now where are they?and how come the rest are all there?argued,quarrelled but things resolved.note,this was prolly a month ago.

the album consists of my best fren's sister.individually i see them both,as i love the best fren very much.hearing stories from her about the sister,i thought nothing less..coz i noe her,and consider her as a fren.

suddenly i see u in one of the picture..hhhmm...how come u're part of it?the same shirt u wore gng to st james before sending me off to work..though 2 jugs of prolly beer/vodka orange was covering ur right profile,i knew that shirt.
hell...wat's there to think about...i skipped and went back to my profile and did my stuffs..

again i went back coz it seemed suddenly weird..i scrutinize the picture again as i saw wat i dread the most..it was a shocking sight as i've always thought the best of u..and trusting u to st james..it was maybe the worst thing i could ever do..my body shook violently against the cold..not from the aircon nor fan that's in front of me...but from a cold blow smacked right in my face.my heart thumps madly...i looked and looked again.that kiss.

maybe u were intoxicated..out of a drunken stupor..maybe my eyes played a trick on me.but right there,the evidence's so clear right in front of me..i cant believe wat u did...i just cant believe it..

i gave a benefit of a doubt,thinking the picture deceived me.i called.u swore to god nothing happened..u denied everything.yet,when i was talking to u,the picture's rite in front of me.

words may lie.hearing things may be a gossip.but pictures?they are the sole evidence of everything.

im still shaking and am choking on own's tears..i cant cry..not when im at work...already mistakes i kept doing..simply cant concentrate seeing wat had happened..blurring my vision with the water welling up wouldn't help at all...im simply disappointed in u..the last person i could ever think of to be cheating behind my back.yet right now,it's all in front of me.

i should've trusted my instincts when i read the texts she sent to u rather than believing ur words.it's past 14months we've been together..maybe u're off for some adventure..or maybe u want something more..and maybe she has wat i dun have.but honestly,i cant think of anything that she has that i don't.i'm brave enough and confident enough to say that i am much better than her and i dun need anyone else to tell me that im wrong.she may be older than me,or u..but that doesnt mean she noes well of wat's right or wat's wrong.hell,her bf's my neighbour for fuck's sake.

to think of wat u did u to me is absolutely absurd.for the first time i am speechless and nothing came to mind.not rage,not arguments,nothing.just plain shocked and disappointment.

it's time that i believe in myself and not your words.or anybody else's.i know that when u say ur 'i love yous' and 'i miss yous' are all sincere.but i would never noe whether it was meant for someone else...and i dunno how much that love weighs anymore.

i dun care about u telling me not to publicise our problems..see the thing here is that...this is my life now..no longer ours..

strike one,that 4months into the relationship i saw the text of u saying u missed her.(and u noe whom i'm talking about.)i trusted u still,i belived in you still,i gave u a chance. strike two,u lied saying u went out with ur uncle,but actually u were out with a fren of ours.i gave in,gave another chance. strike three,u did this. isn't this when they say.."you're out."?

you cheated.plain simple as that.

**i dont write names coz their names dun deserve to be in my blog.
neither in my life anymore.

.left.with.hearts.to.mend.

missed me?well i miss this.

hello everyone..after prolly a week or so of not blogging,well here i am..how's u doin?well, i hope..to whoever that reads..lady gaga had been of a great help of keeping me getting my momentum of working..the songs had been great..

work had been a bitch as always..i received the confirmation letter after completing 3 months into the company and a little bit of increment..so now i bring home more..well,good news for that..however bad news as a huge sum of my pay will be given for my bills.sucks,isnt it..note to self,never call overseas using m1.

ej and i are doing great..as said in the previous entry,after the attempt of breaking up,things got better,but still with arguments..well,all relationships face that,rite?he's still sweet as ever..sending,fetching,calling and all the things that had been wished and prayed..so kudos to that,im holding on..

social life is totally zero.i've not met up with any of my frens,except those that i might have bumped into or impromptu decision to mit up.ppl whom i've not met for a very,very long time..my babes especially..tsue,rai,ira and nysh..god..been a very fuckin long time..and i have only myself to blame..working night had been sucha bitch..but that's the only way to feed myself,isn't it..i am very,very sorry..weekends are like for him..no..prolly on friday/saturday for him while sundays are my resting day..yet,i just cant find time to somehow meet up..i only have myself to blame..

bro's coming back from qatar come 27 this month..yes!!!he's getting me my laptop!!!oh yeah,baby!!i am super sexcited and am thankful..actually i had to remind him..and he wanted to give another alternative..but being the brat i am,he finally gave in.which i had to ask ej,pipi and wan wtf is a 'portable desktop'.yea...i noe.a total bimbo.

pipi's getting married this july..4 july 2009 to be exact..my bday week,sia..and am dreading it actually..coz of my bday week,then like it means she and ally wont be ard at home anymore..and hell i am gonna miss her..okay..im like so tearing rite now..but she's the one that had been listening to my problems these past few days..there's always frens..but it's pretty different..as much i see my babes as my blood sisters,it's easier to talk to someone whom u see everyday and tell her wat's on ur mind..and one thing for sure..im gonna miss my angel,alethea..fug..it's hitting me..

later after ej finish his session at wan's place,off to mit him...night,off to mit hafiz the uncle...

i feel fucking depressed rite now and i dun even noe why.

.stupid.billing.system.can.eff.themselves.

hello everyone.how's you?

imma make this very brief since it's been awhile
and it ain't nice to make others believe that it's realli over.
so wat's new?we are together still.
however,im pretty pissed at the moment.
i have tons of work to do.
needless to say,a personal assistant's a must for me.
even if only for a week,well i don't mind..
as long as end of each day i can finish the huge pile,rather than keeping it for 2mrw.
and the routine would continue.

since claims department could have one,
why not me..??regardless im new..
im overpresurrized with all the work.
if there's such word.
it's really,really tiring..
and it's exhausting as things are still not good between us.
of love,arguments and quarrels.
who doesnt go thru it all,rite?
but im too tired of everything.
once again.

okay i gotta get back to work.
as i said..
tons of work to do.
trust me.
i actually lost it yesterday and screamed.
eventhough now we've shifted to uob building,which is by singapore river,
i chose to shout in the office.
out of frustration.
and my colleagues got shocked.
no heart attacks.
after shouting,feel better?
no.i cried.
coz im a brat and a crybaby like that.

and blogging right now ssssooo doesnt decrease this pile.
i'll come back later to fill it all in.
as usual,with details.
back to work,dids.

.5th.of.march.2thousand9.

keep..holding on...

that song by avril lavigne kept playing in my head the whole day..yet i didn't do anything abt it..just let it play freely in my mind..i woke up with a start,thinking he texted me..instead,someone else..i went back to sleep.anticipating,cheking my mobile and gng though my texts..wouldnt noe if i opened my incoming texts while being asleep..none from him..i hoped again..endlessly..

wat is the secret to your sin?of paranoia.of insecurity.of drama.of hopes,dreams and wishing.impulsive.forgetting someone is by hating them..that is easier for me to do..but there's no way that i could hate him..there's nothing that i could hate him for..he had been the most perfect imperfect person i ever could come across..

hell,where would u find someone that couldnt contain his excitement and gush out the planned surprise..yet,end of it,u're still shocked and surprised by it all..where would u find someone that would go all the way from yishun..taking 2 buses of an hour journey long to just fetch his gf at the void deck..for this 13months++ he had nvr failed that routine,only if there's a reason not to..where would u find someone that would pamper his gf so much that he accepts the fact that she's a brat and spoiled her even more..where would u find someone that would cry shamelessly and u still think that he is a real man because he teared.

i chose this and i shouldn't turn back.maybe now is too early for me to end things.but wat i could foresee,an end to this relationship will happen once everything else starts for him..it's not easy..yea..im not strong enuf neither am i up to the challenge..but maybe there's too much sacrifices and too much pain that i've gone thru in this relationship with him that i just cant face anymore fallen hopes or even not seeing him..

disappointment.he couldnt assure me with the questions that i asked.all u said was u don't know.so how am i to know,ej?insecurity got the best of me..regrets?i will one day.coz there's nobody that i will ever find to have such character in him,neither would any be able to do the things he does as mentioned earlier.

he truly is a great guy.so they say.."hold on to the person u love..not the person u like". there's nvr a person that i like at the first place..it had always been just him..the break up is just coz of obstacles that's gonna make my life tumble.and yea,im not up for it..not anymore..as i said to u,love..when u suffer,i suffer much more...

i called to hear ur voice..im still in denial..i can just eat my words and we can start all over again..but i noe that in days/weeks/months to come,we'll still be stuck in the situation we are currently in..and u still wont be able to assure me..so wat am i to do?linger ard to get hurt still?or make use of the time..and then let go?

i dunno y but im still wearing the engagement ring..and im still wearing the ring that marks our beginning..im still wearing the black cable wire that only YOU know what it means..and your name is still impaled in my heart,intact within my skin and carved in the sky..i don't know when it will all go away..i don't even know when i would want it to go away..

maybe i should take back my words and we'll be together again..and maybe...just maybe..i need u right now at the most to clear this pregnant mind of mine and enlighten me.i need you at the most right now..but u're nowhere..neither were u anywhere when we talked about the problem we're facing..that's the thing,ej..you were nvr there to give me assurances..and i cant live without it,knowing how i can think to the extend of misery.now, where are you..

chrystalline tears rolled down blushed cheeks as each time her heart beats,it's all slowly fading..fading..?never had been..pounding hard your name with mine as i tried and tried to make believe..in denial as i can be as the memories replayed fresh in mind..never i thought it could be so hard..falling,falling..the end of our journey..no...never i thought it could be this hard..

.on.the.fourth.of.march.two.thousand.and.nine.

how do i say it..where should i start..

"just forget it.everything's over,okay..just forget about it all.."i see myself staring at the monitor..yet wat i saw; blank and my vision got blurry as drops of tears rolled down my cheeks."what have i done?the best?"i saw myself asking.i wouldn't be surprised if i see myself chasing after him again and eating my own words a few days/weeks later..but i noe that i'm tired of chasing after him..so i dun think that will happen anymore...

to have someone listen to my words and the least to understand my situation was very hard to come by..as i called out his name,only to hear the dead silence.thinking he was asleep and being frustrated as whatever i said was all wasted,i hung up and called again..asking.."were u asleep?"..and the response he gave just made me raging mad..i was disappointed..u said that u cant even remember eventhough it was sheer 2 seconds ago..and all the answers i needed the whole day..ur reply was that u don't even noe..so how am i to get assurance from u?

all these while it had always been the same answers u gave me..and all this while i held on by assuring myself that u are truly the one..that u're the one that make miracles happen and u're the only one i believe in..the one that i can be hopeful for for anything.but wat happens if one day it all had vanish into thin air?wat happened to the person i hope for?and it all had become such fallen hopes all over again..

suffering is wat's been through..and i complied..to compromise..to hold on..to go thru thick and thin together..regardless we'll love each other..and every-single-thing i've told u and u've told me..but i dun need myself to suffer anymore..i took this choice to go thru this with u..but i dun expect to make myself be in a position where i'll suffer much more than i already am.the pain is unbearable.i can't do this.

and u not assuring me anymore or at all..it made things harder...as now we're letting go..
i hope after the rank that u've got,well..may the best be with u..

my love for u had never been gone..but if i were to choose between happiness or more sufferings?i would choose the former..coz i can't take the latter anymore..not when it's gonna be worst than wat i've been through..

i've always loved you,baby..but loving someone is not the only answer to a happy ending..
now,be good.

p/s: a day late but anyhoos..A BIG SHOUTOUT TO HAFIZ THE UNCLE..HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

.that.4.days.in.your.arms.

FAT.

nose!!

watching shadows embrace on youtube.LOL!!!

tara love.

once again,in the cubicle.HAHA!

now's the time that i really need u,baby..

how's ur weekends?mine was tiring hence the result of today,being shattered..beyond shagged..lethargic..exhausted..and well,u got the idea..anw,i didnt realli elaborate much about ej's arrival,huh?well,i reached in time as the boys were all getting their luggage as his parents and i waited at the entrance for him..he was surprised seeing me..hurhur...as planned =) and we all ate at mcdees for breakfast.sweet enuf to send me off in the cab,whilst his parents,another.reached my house and he went in as well.talked to mum..played with tara as pipi got out from the room,awoken by us..so ej shared his moments in brunei..after abt an hour or so he decided to head off for home as he was tired..sent him off,bringing tara along to take cab back home..

that friday night i had to work..he fetched me at the void deck and we head to raffles..okay..i swear i cant remember whether we had dinner or whether we walked ard of stuffs like it.brain really cant work at the mo'.but i noe that we had a stick with zahid before we all part ways..him,miting zul to watch midnight movie..

next day everything was planned..to go to wan and andrew's gig at arts house..we had a tiff..i decided to sleep in..overslept as i finally woke up at 5pm.took a cab to esplanade mall as he was there along with kak ain and naaz..super random to bump into them..was at esp as kak ain's fren was performing..decided to join.note,i have not eaten the whole day.no breakfast,lunch nor dinner..so ej and i went off to breeks to have dinner..bfore that bought zul's present,wallet from topman which im glad he loved it..and yea..another tiff.fug..i think im really beyond control about my pms moments,really..

oh yeah!!he paid for my accessories in which i superbly love!!!thank you sayang!!then after we bought "celely..watermeloon"HAHAHAH...okay.inside joke,but bought drinks at that particular shop and played in the rain..i love it..where instead of cuddling,u walk in the rain,hand in hand with ur loved one and just embrace it all..just because it's realli a calming feeling..well thats how i feel..while for him,"rain?hell yea i can withstand it."-.- trying to be macho,boy??anw,we walked to suntec..we fooled ard..past 11pm..the queue for cabs were effing long..tried to call..network busy..blardy..we became fools as we hailed a cab at the bus stop.GOT IT!!!

from one to another as finally we rested..bliss..

took a cab to his place..thunderstorm as i held tara close..his mum and grandma greeted me and were so happy i brought my little niece.regardless the aftermath of rain and constant remindings from both his mum and grandma we took a cab to zul's still.a whole lot of relatives were there..kenduri..thank god tara slept thru it all..ej is really sucha sweetheart as fags were calling my name as sid and me went to the void deck...amber is so big she's really mischievous,really..god..but anw,ej??i swear to u if ever the children that one day i might carry is his,they will be the luckiest kids alive..regardless zul being in the other room where he can join..he was in the other room playing with tara..taking care of her..super possessive,but god..i feel so wowified..and a compliment was given.."u have the fatherly look...the potential.." and sid said to him before we all go off for home.."u'll be a great father,bro.." and i cant help but to feel such warmth enveloping me..im proud..

cabbed back home as i passed tara to mum as me and ej had our supper at mcdees..watched videos on the ipod at neptune as we laughed our ass off..time ticked by as i clicked away..before midnight,off he cabbed back home..

he sent me off to work today..before that we had dinner at pastamania which made me shat.

okay.im done.

doubt any of u read till the end..coz it's very,very long..

well,i love details...hee...

happy tuesday morning,glory..

and baby?i really miss you..