.just.trying.to.find.my.way.

back home..

he finally called on thursday,which in the end i didnt go to work coz he had called quite late and i didnt get any wink of sleep..problems,problems..it's never ending yet when the person u seek solace so much finally appeared,everything is okay once again..yet when u think about it,he was the reason the need of solace happened.

i didnt wanna make any decision..neither haste nor thoughtful one..coz i noe it will nvr be the one that i want one day..amidst of talking my heart and feelings split into two..of missing and of hate..wouldnt lie to say that..he had hurt me so much..i hate him for explaining coz it makes everything surreal..i hate him for telling me he loves me still..though i love him too..and i wish that everything didnt happen...to tarnish any happy endings that may be there for us..but rite now there's nothing else for me to trust.

hence wat i thought that's the best was that i should just let him prove me wrong..that he's the worthy one and that one fine day i can trust him.which he agreed...he'll fight for us..for me?i just let fate take over and decide when i've finally see his point.

never have i been in this situation...giving chances just becoz ur heart says so..while the mind is telling me..take precautions..i took the risk..too much that we've gone through..i cant just leave and walk away...i love him..i still love him..

although everything was resolved,the baggage was too heavy for us to carry..the wound is still fresh,slit opened and still bleeding..we missed each other..we talked..we joked..we laughed...we smiled..end of conversation,im still hurting inside..everything is too fresh and too abrupt to start anew..or to continue the good times,from where we left it..but it's too abrupt for us to do that..and in the end i see us hurting...i see us hating...haste decision..complied and argued..

silence all over again.

due to insubordination he couldnt book out..the only time i can meet him is next weekend..but i dun even feel like seeing him,to be honest..i would wanna hug him,put my arms around him,and him around mine..but it's all still too raw..

im left with 0 fags eversince 2pm just now..rite now it's 2.03am..and a need of that rite now..i slept throughout the day,ira would've known,after sleeping on her while on the fone..rite now im fully awake,bro woke up,(he's back from qatar,yes)and asked if i want any mcdees..asked for filet burger,didnt eat except for breakfast..and rite now,waiting for him,typing away and contemplating to go down to 711 later to get my fags..the fact that it's gonna be damn dark outside and quiet,it gives me the creeps..but the thought of being outside is welcoming..oh yes,bro's back..looked in the mcdees plastic bag,he bought meal for me..and no other burgers/meals for him...i guess im not the only one rite now who needs a breather...

dead and gone....