.there's.nothing.left.to.say.

it's been a while,baby..

more than 50 texts above yours as my days and nights were filled with my loved ones checking up on me and us texting random and personal things..more than 50 texts cover that 'good night' and ur 'i love yous'..more than 50 texts that are new which makes me forget to read or re-read the things that you said..

a call was received on thursday morning as u mumbled and myself having breakfast..i built a wall as fast as i answered ur call..take away all the pain,take away all the lies..just take it all away just so i could embrace that comforting voice of yours..i fought hard the lashing i wanted to give which i succeed as the conversation was all too careful..as u wanted to answer,i heard the click of the fone.

working night will be cancelled soon..which is good news as im too exhausted of going out of the house twice each day..so starting from either 4th may or 11 may i'll start 1pm-10pm instead..middle of the night,too weird,but i think it's better...

thank you tsue for the singapore flyer ride..thou at the start it was scary as our imaginations ran wild,it was pretty much a smooth and BORING ride..i think it's too long..to be honest wat i see is the same view i get from my office.being on the 42nd floor i can see practically the whole of city hall and raffles place.however,it is way more fun being stuck in that capsule with my silly gf,scared shitless and loving each of the molecules in her..

thank you tsue,ira and nysh for that 'finally!!' plan as we all look pretty in our dresses/tops and hit town like we own it.the lepak-nak-mampos laughters and 2mins of breeks and of coz the updates..thank you for letting me shop and helping me out..i love you dolls oh so very much..and of course..that sleepy place..the 10bucks wedges and that tequila filled drink at the bottom.urgh!

at the end of that saturday we were cranky and the weather was damn humid..we tried hard to smile but each of us were annoying the shits outta each other as we found ourselves go silly..as they say 'if u can't beat them,join them'. tsue's mum and bro fetched us as finally i got back home at 2am."goal!!!!" damn.shut up.

ej just msned with me..while i was typing this post..still in taiwan,still cold there(how lucky) and still we are careful with our words..do u noe the feeling of being relieved,yet everything's not right still?that's how im feeling rite now...so i dun really have the mood to write any further..

till then..
tra~~

.4.days.since.you.called.

18 april 09.all sweaty coz the weather's so humid.

hello..i think by now,i'd publicize my blog already..so how're u?hope things are well..

rite now i feel like a hard stone,unable to feel anything and not wanting to feel anything..numbed myself and made sure no emotions could pass thru me..i've yet to crumble,i've yet to break down.but i noe,deep inside me,it had happened..it long died.and it had weeped and tasted sorrow..yet it didnt surface for me to feel...yet.or probably never..

i write and talk with rhymes and games..with poetic expressions with eyes glazed.i sat and i wondered,wat the hell did i do?as a call was made and my heart broke into two.she consoled,she made me better.yet i was raging,the body shaking.tears welled up,yet i wiped fast.after all that, tears no longer came to my eyes. another call as i told him i knew. all i hear was deafening silence,as finally the click of the end of call.i sighed and i stared.there's nothing to do.till today,i wish the fone ringing,is from you.

i wished i didnt see,i wished i didnt acknowledge.yet the truth was there,the lies u said.the trip to the airport,the trip to ur place.u lied.again and again.as u sent me off,we talked about yesterdays.we felt our heart,as one at its best.yet when i went to my office,wat did u do?you called and was ready.off to carry on the lies that u said.i believed you,and i trusted you.no longer disappointment,but just 'wat do i do?'

days filled with talks to my babes and lad..days filled with work..u lied and u lied.for ur own selfish reasons.in a sudden u changed,as all ur environment did.u became someone i dun even noe and u went to places i wished u didn't go.yet i told u,yes i'll be fine.and u went.u betrayed my trust.of coz now u noe i wont be happy if u inform me u're going again,with the same people again.hence selfishness took place and u went ahead anyway.but if u noe it's gonna jeapordize the relationship and it'd make me unhappy,why bother at the first place?

taking things for granted.

all the sacrifices we made,all the things we went thru.all wasted to just make it into a memory.a memory probably i wouldnt want to reminisce as it will kill me like a stab with a butter knife.slowly piercing thru,to make sure that,i will be dead.

there's no reason for u to call,there's nothing for us to talk about.i noe the truth,and u had no balls to admit or even say sorry.all i hear was the click of the fone,coz u hung up.and there is all there is to it.it says of how much u love me,or even how much true that is.we fight on all fours for us,we sacrificed for the best of future,yet now life's in ruins and there's nobody else for us to blame but ourselves.coz i believed u and i gave in.and u took that for granted and u lied to me still.

i still do not know whether i should pack my bags and leave.coz i noe im still not that strong to carry on.yet,i noe that i can never trust him again.never had it crossed my mind of how capable he is to do all this,but surprises happenes..to think i sacrificed my sleep to go online to search for the best hotel to throw his surprise party and calculating the amount i'll be left to stay alive for the month..wasted.never ending faith.yet it had ebbed in me.

one day i will make the decision..solely mine.and i hope there's no turning back on wat i've decided.regardless leaving or staying.it's mine.my life..tell me im dumb,well i feel very much dumb to give him another chance.but it's hard when he's always been part of my life.think.

2 days since i ate.the last i had was the 5 spoonfuls of mee goreng with tsue and nora.other than that,water and fags.hence the picture of how skinny my arms became and how all this shit had exhausted and puncture my youth and grace.

happy monday,babes.

.carry.on.carry.on.as.one.

my happy and healthy times.

.10.april.2009.

Happy Double 2 Birthday!!

i got out from the cab as before that i rushed and started to pack everything in my bag..i got ready within 30mins,which was the fastest speed i could go..and i waited,and waited for that lone cab to drive me to the airport.as expected,since nearing midnight all went into hiding just so they could charge us more..hell,money wasn't an issue in my head...all i noe was that i just gotta see him.

i woke up with a start,thinking it was 9pm still...only did i realise it was past 11pm..i knew he gotta be there by 2359hours..checked my cell,loads of texts and missed calls.only 1 text and 1 miss call from his dad's cell.i called.his mum talked to me,cajoled me and interrogated me with 'wat's wrong'.i felt too much hurtings from the morning and it was then i started contemplating.

of which is better?the heart that feels or mind that speaks?the one empowering the other is the only answer to wat we do in life..out of will and knowledge that we're doing the right thing.hence,i saw myself getting ready.the mind speaks or regret and pure hate if i were not to see him.he called.

"u dun have to come down.im gng in already."i felt pretty dazed.but i noe watever it is,imma still be there.so lady luck was on my side as a call was received and his flight will be past 3am..hence,i went out of the house.

the cab zoomed and sped away as we almost hit the 'flying' cab next to the us.it seems dramatic,all the last minute plan to send him off,with danger ahead of any possible collission..it's so cliche but this is reality,baby..it all really happened.

his parents greeted me with a smile.a hug was thrown and i find myself gulping down the string of words..the parents went off as they were gng to malacca at that hour.we head to the smoking area as he intertwined his fingers with mine.i felt different.i pulled back and held back.

a whisper of "happy birthday" as it was 3mins past 12am..downcast look and gazed on the floor..pulled,hugged and i complied..we rested on each other's shoulders,our bodies against each other and the rise and fall of our chest became one.he snuggled in my hair as i felt his breathings on my neck..

he didnt wanna lose me..i didnt wanna lose him either..but wat can i do when u hurt me too much?i gave in.i foresee myself being lonely and a need to have a dose of him every single day.i knew i cant just leave and walk away.too much pain,yet i came back for more of it everytime.too weak to carry on alone,too weak to walk by myself,too weak to console my own emotions when thing are wrong.i need him.i need to have him.i gave in.

we had more than an hour to kill as he needs to be in the gate by 2.30am.planned to go off by 1.45am..from starbucks to coffee beans..as i ditched my plan of getting him the bday cake bfore sending him off due to the quarrel we had,settled at coffee beans and got the single raspberry cheesecake.and a candle which i brought along from home..a quiet birthday,i'd say..we talked..he responded.our fingers intertwined again and the ring was placed on my finger again...

we kissed,we hugged.a kiss to my forehead,as he walked to the gate,off to taiwan..i waited and waved till i cant see the back of him and went a level down.i sat.i thought.he called.we talked abt things that i want him to do..his own safety..his well-being being taken care of..to make sure he calls...texts given to lads and babes and a text for him..finally,i made my way back home.

*this post was suppose to be done by 10 april..it was drafted instead coz too many things happened.

so hope it was a happy 10april for all of u..
xoxo

.on.9.april.2009.

it's still burning hard for you...

i got myself a notebook.my finger's feeling empty.i don't feel very good right now.

i don't even feel like blogging.

but somehow i noe i should update shits here so that whenever i go back to my past entries,i can at least smile..for now,that's kinda hard..fresh flows free.

he's gng off to taiwan tonight..his bday's 2mrw...
well,happy birthday..

i really don't feel like blogging.i only have singular words,not even a sentence being formed in my head.of course of how i'm feeling..let's just trust memories will rush through when i read this post and not go into details..that would be making things too much surreal,isnt it..?

i wish u'd come back online again.

love.

.oh.holy.

make it all a story...

okay,so i've privatised my blog for the moment..just coz i realised making it public seems to attract unnecessary comments by ppl whom i don't know and i don't even need to read their say.hence prolly next week or so i'll publicise this again,and well..life goes on,isnt it.*wags it

watever it is,it doesn't give any impact to me.like a stone,u dig?

ej and i are back together..not really,but it's where the whole 'trust' process takes place all over again..he had been a sweetheart the whole week though..trying hard and all,though a whole lot of screw ups,but it's fine..we made plans for the weekends and all..and it'll be my first!!anticipating,yet i feel like a nervous wreck thinking abt it..but one day i gotta try to experience it,isnt it..just don't really wanna look like a fool..bah!

so he fetched me from home just now,since he had his nite's out/off(have no idea)and surprised me when he really did say he's otw and i gotta start getting ready..it didn't start off good,but in the end,our arms are enveloping and all that jazz.it's like a week plus since i last met him...the burning desire to hold him was flaming..

there's always something to bring the situation down when things are fine and dandy..he'll be off for taiwan on his bday,10 april..and not only that,he'll be off for 3 freakin weeks.fact that he was in brunei last month for 2 weeks on freaking valentine's day,now is this.but everything's planned..so i think it'll all be fine..hopefully..*cross fingers*

i just cant wait for saturday,really.

thanks loves for being there...i love each and every of u and u noe who u are..all the shits,the new or old ones, for lend ur listening ears,thank you..*mwah

and to all,i really,really miss you babes and dudes..

im not done with work.
yes,forever i'll be complaining. =)