.wat's.your.worth.

one word.

.PMS-ING.

and i dun need false hopes.

and i'm done sugar coating your life,

when all effort is making u expect too much.

.beauty.

day 5...i feel empty..

today's the ccas..and so everyone's suppose to report work by 8.30am,when usually work starts at 9.30.i woke up with a very heavy head..dragged myself to the toilet and have my first fag for the day..only then did i feel fresh..i wonder how i'll be since fasting month's coming.sigh...and on the start of fasting month,it'll be the day that he comes home..and i hope he'll fetch me after work..or better to mit me after dawn so that we'll be able to hug each other..yes,im anal when it comes to fasting..coz we gotta respect the reason..

called his mum last night only to get tears from her..she's doing well,just that at times it's hard when u gotta face the challenges in life..and some ppl can be so crude with their remarks that i wish i could just throw stones till they die just like in the book, 'kite runner' and the sequel..just so that it justifies the shits they had given to his mum..she did scold me for not calling..she was like.."i told ej's dad..if ej nvr call home,didi won't call.."hhahaha..sorry..was too busy with work that when i get back home,all i do is to have time on my own..

i dunno wat else to write abt..after work gotta rush to ct hall for baybeats with babes..and hopefully kudos to them time will pass by so as i'll be in his arms soon..i wonder how he's doing..how are u,ej dear?i hope u're well and training's not that hard..i'm missing u here..too much,baby..and i wish to be in ur arms..and to get ur tender kisses..just to see u physically in front of me,to hold u dearly...baby,pls hurry back home..coz there's something's amiss in me...

happy friday,loves..

.to.each.his.own.

day 4...3 more days to go..

at this point of time,i need him badly..last night i was so shagged,all i think about is him..coz i needed him..it's like after a long day at work,all i needed was to hear his voice..make me better..though i noe i wont get that..but how i wish...

i was having dinner when mum sat at the chair next to me..she asked me again whether there's any job vacancies in my department..that question is for my cousin's wife,which had been bugging me for the past month.i said i dunno.and it requires computer skills.and mum said.."*sigh*..u keep on saying u havent check..dun u want to help her??" i swear i felt my vein bursting soon...i kept quiet and played with my food..i was so damn pissed..i just ignored her..she then nagged and i just turned a deaf ear..went to my room and i was already throwing things everywhere..more like venting my anger on the things that came my way..and there,i needed ej.

so this morning..getting ready for work...mum said.."didi..u kept wasting ur money on nonsense..(i dunnoe when's the last time i bought unneccessary things)look at maya..she's trying so hard to get a job..at least she's not a spend thrift like you." damnit..i feel like giving 2 cents of my mind,balls..and i noe that will create a huge squabble..so i kissed her hand and cheek and went out of the house without saying a word.in the bus,i tried to shut her words from playing in my head..but it was hard..it hurt real bad..for the whole 21 years of life mum nvr compared me to any other..and now??why?wat did i do wrong here??

it's not my fault that her whole life she's been working f&b line and she only have 'n' levels..it's not my fault that she doesn't noe how to use the computer..it's not my fault that she don't take her own initiative by finding jobs for herself,instead depend on MY mum to choose and help her..it's not my fault that she's not outspoken enough during interviews..it's not my fault that she has a kid and my cousin cant afford that much..it's not my fault my aunt who's her mum-in-law's mean to her eventhough ppl had advised her not to be so crude..so where does it stand that i owe her that much to make my life miserable and relationship with mum strained?!

sure mum gets the attention from her coz she doesnt work and her kids are busy working,trying to get a decent living..and happily my cousin's wife would call every morning..coz she has no job,obviously she has the time in the world...but mum,it doesnt mean we have no time for u at all..i'm sorry that i've not been spending time..i noe ur intention's clear that u just wanna help her..but mum,dun u think she's taking advantage of u??u cant depend on me to get a job for her..it's not that i dun wanna help..i just find it weird to work with a relative..and i cant afford to lie to u,mum..that's y i didnt lie to say there's no vacancies..all i find myself doing is shutting self up.coz my department needs manpower..but i dun wanna tell u a lie..coz i noe i suck at it and will feel so guilty..mum,i just need u to noe that she's depending too much on u..and i noe u feel special coz somehow she looks up to u..but dun let the relationship with me drift away,just coz of a person..for someone,who may be just a stranger if she's not married to my cousin...

i noe maya meant well and i noe she's in need of jobs..i noe she has a gd heart and she's a good person..but mum,dun compare me with her..coz she's depending on u..coz she wants u to go to the extra mile for her own benefit..and when she finally work,do u think she'll call u still every morning??i doubt it..nevertheless,im sorry mum..i love u always and nothing can break that..but i wish that u could see regardless tired or happy,ur daughter is still standing next to u...and i just wish im still perfect and the best in ur eyes..

happy thursday,all...

.and.make.it.thru.the.dark.

day 3..

i was so shagged yesterday..work was tiring and manager gave me a proposal..and i took it.i noe it's a risk,but hey..i'll be getting more pay..i noe my family wont be too happy about it,since they wld want me to change jobs due to the reason of getting more exposure and bro wld definitely kill me if he noes that im still working at this insurance company..coz he was like.."give ur resume to big companies like expo..if u wanna study,work hard for it.get exposure,get high pay,then come look for me..then i'll pay for ur studies..."and now wat have i done??well finally my pay will justify the huge load i do every single day...morale will increase..but experience??i seriously have no idea wat am i to do with my life...sigh...

after work last nite,liza called..she asked whether i wanna mit up coz she's done with work..so we took the bus to my place and got ourselves sweet talk and cake..we're both pms-ing..she's been snacking,and i've been snacking..regardless the tummy screaming "I'M FULL!!!" we still pop nonsense into our mouth..pipi came with ally and decided to chill at mcdees..we talked and advised liz..and i couldnt do much as i understand her situation as i've been in that position again and again..so while i was stoning away as my brain was past dead,the radio played 'what about now' by daughtry..my eyes filled with fresh tears as that was the song me and ej used to listen and dedicate each time..i was realli missing him..and i dun want my strength to fail me..so i tried to shut the song and lyrics from invading my mind...which was obviously hard..

day 3's here..and i'm okay..rather than 7 more days,it's now 4 more days..how time flies us by...yet it's still far within my reach..i really miss him..too much that i ache..each night i watch his video of him playing the guitar..somehow i wish it's realli him physically playing the guitar in front me..but i noe that's hard to come by..just gotta wait...

thanks tsue for making plans for friday and saturday..baybeats,gfs,donuts and drinks..sunday off to get my ethnic customer with mum. -.- then after,in his arms again............ :)

i could only smile in anticipation..

happy wednesday,dudes.

.devoutly.wish.

day one's over...and i was okay... :)

darf and i kept ourselves busy by texting each other since our bfs wont be calling for 7 days..day 1's over..i think i managed well thruout,thou i was missing him bad from time to time..but i did overtime and went home and watched tv till 11plus..then only did i go to bed.and putting the little one to sleep kept me busy as i stopped checking my fone,although i knew i wont get any calls from him..day 2's here,i think i'll survive again..well,hopefully..

on friday would be the 'ccas' award..and the judges will be walking ard the department..and we are to wear blazers and shitzits like it.sheesh!!!no more casual clothings for me then..so anw,in the morning,the project manager and manager were at my team...and waddya noe..my manager was wiping the desk,mirrors..all the stuffs that needs wiping.he came to my table.."siti..clear ur stuff..no papers on the desk,nothing.just 5 items only."and i asked..then where am i suppose to shove these papers?!?!? he looked at me,with a cheeky smile,he said.."well,that is up to u..." and i said.."..and my body."
-_____- yea..shove it up my ass?!?baton??hahahaha...and then he wiped my table.hahahha...then one of the teamleaders came up to him.."it's okay..they'll wipe their individual tables.." he said.."it's okay..bfore marriage my mother teach me to wipe things.." hahah!!and i found that he missed a spot on my desk..i said..."u sure ur mother taught u properly or not?got stuff still on my table..!!" he said.."then ur mother nvr teach u,ar!!" ccccccbbbbbbb....so he said that part of his salary goes to cleaning..yea..part-time cleaner..
coz when we were having lunch,he was there and i stubbed my fag on the ledge..he said.."eh..go and throw in the bin,la..later poor thing,noe all the cleaner!!go pick it up!!" and i said.."wah..this part time cleaner very 'on' about his job,sei.." hah!!so i told him that working here makes ppl's mind corrupted..he said.."ya,la..bf in ns...weekends see him,obviously u'll get corrupted,not just work,wat!!" wah...i tell u.i almost gave him the middle finger,balls..bbbiiitttcccchhhh...it's great having him as our manager..he,who gives inside jokes when briefing the whole section..pretend to be serious...when smoking at loading bay..sheesh!!!serious my ass..

back to work now...my ghumbra!!! i miss you ssssooo much!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

and listening to caliban every morning makes my day great..try it.. :D

happy tuesday,gays.

.charlie.warrior.

i miss this boy...

after so much of being a brat,he called on friday evening.."baby!!i book out already!!!" i was in full joy and i stopped being sucha bitch.yea i noe..im way too spoilt..i noe imma brat.but with him,i am however *slides the word* spoilt.so i headed home and changed..he fetched me at my void deck,yes,in a cab coz he dun wanna be late since it was past 9pm already and off we went to the bus stop to int.we had dinner at pastamania as all the dining places are closed,except for mcdess which he didnt feel like having that..and yes,we ordered too much.with starters,main course and desserts.trust me..we were beyond famished..the last meal i had was at 12.30 which was my lunch and him,he didnt have much..after the main course,i couldnt finish my dessert..it was orgasmic,i tell u..the choc just melts in ur mouth and dark choc(my fav) just engulf your whole mouth..i was already moaning after the first bite.we asked for feedback form(wat's new when it's us dining at places)and we decided to compliment "Agus" who had carried the tray for us and had pulled my chair for me and placing everything in order.that was the first ever kinda service that i got after that more than 15times to pastamania..we cabbed to the destination which was fucking filled with baby roaches.freaking hell!!!!change of place and blissfully i slept with my head on his chest,the place that i favour the most..and i woke up the next day with him spoon-hugging me ever so tightly..and i love how his legs will be placed on my hips..

.saturday.
we cabbed back to tamp int and after much considering,decided to go off and have lunch at home..i slept and ignored his calls..and after calling ten thousand times,i woke up.i was late!!rushed to shower and got ready and went back out again..to yishun to send him off to camp.we were early and decided to walk ard lot 1.stopped by couple lab and saw rings that "ouuuhhh...i love it.."after much thinking of places to eat(i came outta the house with an empty tummy)we decided to get bread and sweet talk and sat outside the mall...alif,his platoon mate saw us,joined and we were laughing our asses off..sufi and darf arrived,after much poking ej's sides and his gibberish language,we went off to the bus stop.after sending him,darf and me walked ard lot 1..

got home and he called!!i missed him so much!!but then again,imma see him again the next day after his run at marina bay!!

.sunday.
he called and i was upset..it's so late!!and he gotta book in by 7pm.nevertheless,he fetched me at my void deck straightaway(i was late again) and we went off deciding places to have our lunch.him with his swensens,cafe cartel,yadayada...ghumbra,no!! i didnt want him to spend so much on me..hence i forced him to lunch at food culture.we went western and after took 969 to his place..bfore all that we were looking for places that sells umbrella..and i was already upset that the prices are ridiculous!anw i was entertaining myself in the bus as we had to stand..he almost fell,falling aslp while standing..i was humming,resting my head on his shoulder looking out the window..my humming of the guitar to the song by pantera woke him up..he giggled and laughed coz i sounded silly..haha..was bored and sleepy,okay..and i kept telling him."kiss me.." *kisses lips* "kiss me.." *kisses cheeks* "chirstmas..." *kisses..HUH!?!*hahahahahahahha.....expression was priceless.

went to northpoint to get my umbrella..coz i was being a brat..see??it's becoz of him,la!!!and we reached john little.ridiculous price again.he grabbed it and said.."the one who reaches first will decide" so we ran past allt he lingerie on display and all,which obviously he reached the counter first and paid.$13 for umbrella.ridiculous!reached his place,his family was at orchard..got to noe they locked the gate and he didnt have the keys..fffuuuggg..he was worried that he'll be late..called him parents,he pooped at his neighbour's house after much force by me and waited for his cousin..we tried different techniques..him that is..while myself sitting at the chair outside..did my make-up.ha!!andokay..i tried too..but nothing worked..the pins and all had been dented..finally past 5.30 his cousin came.he gotta be in camp by 7,balls!!fucking late,la!!i was upset..i was already brooding about the limited time..

he rushed to change,within 20mins we were out again..cabbed to old lim chu kang road as i sulked at the corner..fucking hell,dids!he coaxed and parted my defensive manner as my fingers intertwined with his..hugged him gdbye as we reacehd the gate and i continued the ride to cck int..fell aslp in the train and bought myself chestnuts..just to make myself better..called pipi as she met me at the void deck with hersheys cookies and cream in hand..thanks,love..we chat and went back home for army daze and so,he called...

day one of fieldcamp had started...let's count down to the day that he books out..and of course...pop in 2 weeks time...:)

i love you,my precious..and i'll always miss you...

happy monday,daisies..

.demise.

freedom,purity and sincerity.
of arms of angel,
you engulfed me.
of wings that protect
and gave security.
of trust,faith and believe.
the heart thumps,
beats for your return.
of joy and anticipation.
suddenly everything came to a halt,
as it all came crashing down.
my heart beats silent beats,
and my words became a silent scream.
unheard to many,
of my yearns and needs.
the faith that's ebbing,
i am left limp and empty.
numb to all words,
whether pierced or gratifying.
there's no more belief,
there's no longer faith.
as trust had fade away,
of words that he gave.
strength had betrayed,
as it had all failed me.
my hopes and joy became my lamentation,
as soon it had all disappeared,
and left was a written eulogy.

.coz.i.cant.take.it.anymore.

love's still there..but faith had long been gone...

didnt go to work yesterday.faked diarrheoa coz i couldnt open my eyes..so whole day i bummed at home and got my ultimate rest which i badly needed..the night bfore ej had called to inform me that he'll be able to fetch me after work on friday as he'll be able to book out on that day..i was in joy and full of anticipation..my heart beats for that day to come...yet,i didn't noe it will be another hope being turned down..

my eyes are swollen right now..both eyes..due to the longest cry i've ever had for years..he noes and i guess by now everyone noes,even my ex bfs noe that i hate false hopes and empty promises..i can hate u for that..n i can make one regret giving me such hopeful thought..so last night he called..i was glad to hear his voice..but once he said there's bad news,i geared myself up for the worst..

next wk,for straight 7 days i wont be able to talk wat more see him..7 fucking fucking days.no calls,nothing..due to his fieldcamp at tekong.fine..i cant do anything abt it..he told me abt this since last wk.fine with me..hence anticipated that hope of meeting him on friday.waddya noe..bubble burst and (my heart's beating fast now..i still feel all the rage)i was deeply upset about it all.he informed that even if he's able to book out on friday,it will be in the evening.or not it's saturday morning,which saturday night he has to fucking book in again.and then on sunday morning the army boys have their morning run at marina bay then after at night they gotta book in again.which starts that whole one fucking fucking week of fieldcamp.FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

yes im fucking pissed off and i noe i cant do anything about it.he himself have no power to control all this.but why the fuck do this management gotta do all these?!?they steal the precious time when it's already fucking scarce for us.yes i can be fucking selfish but who can blame me when 5 fucking days he gotta do national SLAVERY and i wont be able to mit him.they say i gotta understand.tell me...as far as one could understand,wont u be upset and pissed about it!?!?

as i lash over the fone,he said that i can be all pissed..but i dun blame u..and yes,im feeling so much hatred.i cant do anything to ns..wish i could just rip this whole thing.not awol,but to just give some liniency eventhough that's beyond believable.but u noe fucking wat?!due to all this,im starting to lose everything.gng in ns means that they've stole everything from me.sure ive got frens and family..but wat happens when i cant depend on 'oh-mr-bf',and decided to turn to my own fucking sister,but all she did was to not get bothered when all i need is someone to just fucking listen and shut up.i need guys.i need guy frens.and johnny is ever so far from me.coz with guys,they'll be honest and not sugar coat their words.u noe wat?!fuck this whole thing!and it's obvious im being petty..but fuck it all.i mean it.i have the rights to be pissed,evethough there's no solution to anything.just let me be.fuck ns,fuck fieldcamps,fuck weekends.

and when he said he cant blame me for all the rage,well u noe wat?it contradicts his words when he was lashing on me back.fuck you.i ended the call.

u tell me that i gotta be patient and strong.im sorry to say but being strong's wearing me out.when i try and try..but end of the day it's you that brings me down.and u told me to have faith..sorry babe..but faith had long been gone..love?yes i still love u,eventhough i have much hatred more that's empowering that stupid fucking stinky thing called love.but im willing to wait.but dude,i dunno how long i can last.that's my honest answer to you.

happy wednesday,effers.

.dun.bother.it's.a.long.entry.

i will nvr let you down..

friday's meeting is about another project to obtain a lead.and out of all the staff,only 5 were being chosen to cross-sell that policy.and i was one of them.congrats,didi...another pressure..-_____- compliments from manager and project manager to the 5 of us..still,i was already hating myself for being too 'on' about work..curse my nature..i hate big numbers,i prefer challenges,though this is not the place to be gungho about..but on that friday,whereby we were suppose to start only on monday,i already obtain a lead from that policy.more like a trial and error,to see whether im capable..and my capabilities showed,and today,i obtained another one..and im hating myself,though it was hard to not update the policyholders about our famous plan,Incomeshield.a boost to my confidence and knowing the fact that hell yea,i can do it..but then again when it goes to the management,they're whooping for joy knowing the fact that they can make use of someone..without them realising,of course...the pressure....

i subscribed another line for ej and myself under m1.just coz it'll be outgoing free when i call him and vice-versa.and thanks to nazeerah and mar for accompanying me..and met up with pipi and liz after as we had our dinner at mr p. been a while and pipi and me actually got lost going there.so kental.talked to ej for full 29mins.(woots!) and off we went home,shagged as ever..

.saturday.
he booked out and fetched me at my void deck..i was running towards him and there,he enveloped me in his arms..oh how much i missed him!!hand in hand we walked,eventhough he was in uniform and off we went to tm to provide m1 with his nsf id.there,he was teasing me and kept making jokes and the staff got amused by him as well..oh you silly boy!!had our lunch at ljs then took 969 to his place..he slept like a log in the bus,oblivious to his head lolling and headbanging..hurhur..poor thing..reached and talked to his mum as she got ready to go out..so left with me,him and his brother,wawan at home..

he was trying so hard to pacify me as i was very upset as we were not going out.yes,i was sulking badly..blame him..he makes me more than just a brat..and alas i was fine as we got to his room and he sat on the sofa in front of his comp, and myself on his lap browsing thru youtube and giving each other our utmost needed attention..took videos of him covering machinehead and all shall perish(so hot!!) and time was nearing 11pm.the fact that i was all the way in yishun and his parents are still out,i was upset he couldn't send me home as he promised..both brothers sent me off at the bus stop and i waved gdbye half-heartedly..his mum who just got home called me..and she scolded me for gng off already..hehe..she actually brought food home for me to eat..and yes,i could've simply sleepover at his place..but that call was tad late as i was otw to yishun int already..

.sunday.
woke him up at 11 and he said.."will fetch u at ur void deck.gng off from my house at 12.30." waddya noe..i was late.and when i wanted to kiss his hand,he kissed my hand instead.GHUMBRA!!!!in the bus he was being so cheeky and annoying..so i faked to sleep and he poke my sides and i melatah..blardy..so revenge is sweet,whole day i was poking him as he spouts gibberish language.hahahah...went to beach road to get his fieldcamp stuffs and boy did it cost a bomb.bumped into sufi and darf after having our lunch and off we went,to his place.again.

i was sleeping on his shoulder in the train as this lady next to me coughed loudly,without covering her mouth.suddenly ej's shoulders were shaking,which woke me up.he was giggling..asked y,he said her denches almost came off..and that got me all ticklish..and he said.."i knew i shouldn't have told u sei.i noe u're gonna laugh ur ass off.."hahahhaha....

in the bus i fell aslp again...so sleepy,so tired..my body aches..alighted and i asked him for a piggy back..yeay!!!he ran towards the tree as plop i fell on my feet as he got too tired..sheesh!!fooled ard at his place,talkd to his mum and took a pic of him getting a lecture from his mum and then massage his back..time was ticking,off we went again,to finalise the day..

bumped into his camp mates and silence took over us..i hate goodbyes..coz right now im missing him so bad..gave him a flying kiss as the cab rode past me and darf..in the train,my heart felt empty all over again..and yes,happy 8 monthsary,baby... :D

happy monday,all..

.pukeyi.changhuayi.

before i start it off....

i am not a racist,and never in my life have i ever think about being one.i squirm and try to shut those words from coming into my head when a racist talks..or even when someone talks about another race,and tainting them just bcoz of their skin clr..i've nvr liked the idea of listening to ppl cuss and swear about others,and at the end placing the race of the person..saying that in general,their race are all like that.i am against racism..i've been brought up being ard with ppl from different clr and walks of life..and i've nvr think of them like "oh..they're xxx that's y.."even if a person has a flaw,i would think that it's individual,not generally due to his race.

first call with regards to this policyholder who called the call centre..her hubby answered the fone and starting to rant in mandarin.obviously i dunno.coz i've nvr learnt that language..but i can speak some words and watever it is,understand their basic,even if im unable to reply them.but i UNDERSTAND.

so i asked for his wife,in mandarin..he asked who i am..wat do i want..told him im from ntuc income and would like to speak to his wife..the whole conversation was conversed in mandarin..he was screaming,i was patiently talking to him..he asked in mandarin wat do i want..hence i dunno how to reply in that language,i told him that i'm sorry,i can't speak mandarin well..could u please speak english instead..in mandarin,i told him that.he replied,in mandarin and i understand fully his whole sentence."This is singapore!how can u not speak mandarin??you stupid or wat?!" i swear i was appalled..and i actually apologised and informed him that im malay..and then he said "oh..malay..of course,la..there's many chinese in singpore..must learn..cannot learn,u stupid..."

fucking hell.i was effed pissed.so i decided to say in english.."uncle,im calling for ur wife.if your wife's not at home,then i'll call another time.please watch your words..it's not very kind of you to be so rude." and i hung up.up until now,im still fuming away...i've nvr been a racist..and i hate racists.

had a fag with naz and bumped into my manager at the lift..all three went down and i was complaining about that uncle..and this is wat naz said.."should have said this is singapore.how can u not speak english?!" and my manager said "just say this is not china!" sheeeeesh!!!!so much for him advising us not to be rude to policyholders..dude..telephone etiquettes...miss manners will kill me if i were to say any of that..

gotta go for meeting now..will update again..

.in.the.early.morning.march.

Lulu said...
Babe, i feel you, seriously...but if u really love him, just hang on for abit....

NS sucks big time(i know) and the most common perception about guys who have a gf when they enter NS, they became single when they ORD. Reason is, either the gf couldnt be patient enuf or theres a third party. So prove it wrong. Prove that u can do it.

I know ur patient, and u love him that much, so hang on for the sake of all the good times u had with him. Leaving him would not ease a burden off his shoulder like u wanted to do but instead it will add on the load of burden on his shoulder. Imagine the amount of stress and the state of depression he'd undergo if the love of his life were to leave him..

Hang on, babe...i know its easier said than done but i have gone thru what ur undergoing now back in 2006, and time flies, Hassan is finishing his NS in 2months time.

Just keep urself extremely busy on the days that u cant mit him or talk to him. Go out with ur frens.u have great frens supporting u like rai and tsue...be strong ok.

love,lulu =))

with regards to the entry below..she posted this comment..thanks,lulu..it had enlightened me somehow.. :) i noe i gotta hold on..to dear sweet memories..and the future that nobody noes..yet we planned..and i noe that as wat wan had told me once.."good things happen to those who waits.." things will be better,isn't it?yea..im still convincing myself..

it's hard,but it's harder for him..and it'll be worse if i were to leave him..as lulu said to feel depressed knowing the fact that his loved one's gone..i had a good talk with tsue last night..both were lashing our hearts out..coz we were depressed..and she felt me,as how i felt her...wat came out of it?nothing..but the fact that everything's out from my chest,i felt better..even if there's no solution to it..wat's the solution?i dunnoe who holds it..

he called and wat i've texted him the night bfore was being misread.he misunderstood the whole page and he thought im upset coz i dun get to see nor talk to him.on weekdays.sigh..time was wasted as i repeatedly explained to him wat i was trying to convey..i had sounded not bothered..and my voice and tonality realli showed..coz i am can't be bothered about anything..i dun wanna think anymore..coz im simply tired and brain dead..and the last few words that he said was "i thought u said you're gonna hold..." end of call.the line was disconnected.his mobile was switched off..called him 20 more times,still it was switched off...called darf,she said sufi had surrendered his mobile a while ago..which yea..i guess that abrupt end of call was coz the sargeant was already asking for their hps back..

i feel guilty and somehow regretful..i have not explained myself fully neither have i comforted him..not sugar coating those hurtful words i said,but to assure him and explain how i feel...and he's gonna have his 2.4 run today..him being sick and him so tired and stressed about this relationship,im scared he'll fail..or something bad happened to him..i feel bad..coz eventhough how much im hurt,i dun wanna hurt him at the wrong timing..that sudden end of call really made me think of the consequences..of how he will be..it's no longer about me..im thinking more about him...coz i still do have his best interest at heart..and i dun wanna ruin it...

i cant be bothered.still i am feeling that way.as confused as how i sound,i have yet to straighten my myriad thoughts out..I still am unsure of wat i need or want..maybe i should just hold on..eventhough my heart's feeling so empty..but maybe i'll just be here..for the sake of being here..to keep up with my promises..eventhough my efforts wouldn't pay off,at least i now im doing my part..im tired eversince sunday..im tired of crying,of wrecking my brains,of assuring myself to be okay..and to fill my heart and mind with nothingness...

happy thursday,loves..

.hyperion.

shadows fill an empty heart..

im on the verge of giving up..i've lost hope,faith and beliefs..not patience..i can be patient..i've told myself i long for his return..and i'll always be there..

2 months bfore he goes in ns,he told me wat's likely to happen..whereby he can only book out on weekends and time would be limited for us..i got myself ready and constantly remind myself..and then now that he's in ns,i dun get upset just coz i cant see him on weekdays..coz i was mentally prepared for it..the first day of ns,he told me that they gotta surrender their mobiles..which means they'll get to hold/use the fone only once,each night..i took time to adjust to that..and now,im prepared..dun expect anything outta it..

because of all these hopes which had been turned down,and i got myself prepared for wat i should do on my part,i change my focus on something else so that there's something to look forward to...which is his book outs on weekends..and now it's turning to false hopes all over again..and i wonder..wat could it be other than all these for me to anticipate each day?i only look forward to saturdays with him coz that's where both can give the utmost attention to each other..that's the only day we can spend quality time and make up for times lost..and now...?i dunno how long i can last,seriously..there's nothing that im anticipating anymore..yea,i can be so selfish where i just want him,him,him..eventhough i noe hell for sure he has other committments..but i just need every saturday with him,and only him.coz i've placed my mind to it..coz i've been ever so hopeful..and now it all came crashing down like a bullet slowly piercing thru one's heart..

i love him so much..i love him too much that i realli hurts..and maybe even if i were to go,at least he'll have more time for other committments of his..im not being sarcastic..it's just one burden less off his shoulders..and im still contemplating...still thinking...still deciding...and it's so tempting..coz i dun wanna be hopeful anymore..and i dun wanna anticipate gd things that will only be turned down at the end of the day..and then i'll be left limp and have to pull myself again...i just dun wanna be hopeful..i can't make do with false hopes and empty promises...for the past few days,i've been so depressed..and i just cant seem to hold on..coz there's nothing for me to hold onto..everything is going down..

and wat happened 4 months ago is still haunting me..and that doesn't help at all..

happy wednesday to you..

.damato.

yesterday..

i anticipated for his call.work ended at 8pm.i slept in the bus..and was awoken by the frequent vibrating of fone..it was him..:) i smiled..i heaved a sigh of relief..coz without any comfort,his voice makes me feel better..and he noes i've been so tired this past few weeks..and yes,he's always been there for me..i dun even talk about work to him,but i guess by tonality he noes wat's gng on..and dun question further..he just understand by that 'baby..' from me at the start of the call..so i dun complain neither have i vent it on anyone..i guess it's all in my chest still..but i've been controlling it..that lethargic feeling and need to let everything out..and eventually,yesterday i lost it.

i was having fever towards end of the day..must've gotten it from him..he's still sick and he has to take some test today..no idea wat..ns shitzits.poor thing..sigh..anw,so then he told me about saturday.i broke down.i feel realli pathetic coz it's a small matter.but i just couldnt control myself..all those chokes and breathings were way hard to control it..i was struggling to get my words out..in the end sounded as though i was shouting at him,though i wasn't.he understood..and stayed patient.yet i wanted him to shout at me or something..im just so tired after work..and all i want is a gd conversation..of plans on saturday and stuffs like it..a small little mistake,i lost it all...there,i told him wat's gng on..there and then,i told him wat's been making me feel so pressurised.and i guess he was caught offguard..it was afterall a sudden outburst.

sigh..he sacrificed..just for me..im feeling guilty...but i do need him..i texted him that 'i hate him'.and im hating myself much more for saying that.i despise myself..i dun hate him..i hate ns,yes.fucking yes.but i dun hate him..and i'll nvr hate him..coz he's always there for me..and he's the only guy that i noe that will do and sacrifice for me..it's nt gd..coz it's all about compromising and things shouldnt go my way all the time.imma brat,i noe..but somehow he'll just find ways to still keep his promises..i noe he loves me a lot..and to receive that much love from someone is just so important..it's worth to keep when i can feel his love for me..eventhough 8months had passed..still i feel it fresh in my heart..god,ej..u have no idea how much im appreciative of u..and how much i love and need u in my life..coz i bet i'll be a bitch each day after work,just like how i was in the past..whereby each thing will trigger me to be so pissed,nobody would wanna bother me..yet,u soothed me.u calmed me down..thank you,baby...thank you..but no words would be enuf to show my gratitude..but i'll show my love to u instead..thank you..

happy tuesday,addicts.

.when.one.works.his.ass.off.

we're afterall are humans..

im tired..im so shagged after work everyday..knowing the fact i can complete tasks fast,they took advantage of my capabilities..i tried to slow down,to show that i am a human,not a robot so that they'll stop piling project after project,yet they couldnt see it.they still put responsibilities on my shoulders.im proud of myself,of course..coz im able to do more than the amount others do..and im only working temporary here..and the permanent staffs?well,they're given the same old thing each day.so to spice it up,my teamleader gave me different things to do..fun,yes..wouldnt get bored.but it makes everything much harder..end of the day,kudos to myself the team hits the target.where's justice?im tired..in the morning just now i rushed to work coz i had to send the productivity report to my manager..while the rest were walking slowly behind..end of each day,i think wat im suppose to do the next day..so that i wont forget,i've placed little notes on my desk.and im starting to hate looking at those notes.coz it means more things to do..yet,i still hit the target.so am i being too enthusiastic about work or issit just my nature to finish everything fast?more like the latter.coz i hate big numbers on my screen.i would wanna complete it.it will ease my burden..but somehow the next day the number will increase again.yesterday i felt like a bimbo at work.literally airhead.felt so high coz i didnt get enuf sleep and i kept doing mistakes.somehow things were completed and this is wat my teamleader emailed to my team.

1)Siti,
As spoken, pls assist to send daily productivity for the day before. Thanks alot

2)Top Performers - Leads
Siti, Khim, Sin Min & Amnah

3)Siti,
Thanks for working the extra hours this week and next week. Thanks

yes,they call me Siti.-___- coz i hate it when ppl mispronounce my name.anw,i swear i couldnt remember when was it i agreed that i'll be working overtime this week n next week.im simply tired.i hit the target an hour bfore end of the day.yet i still have to do overtime.and when i do overtime,im given more things to do..and im simply tired..on top of that i gotta work on saturdays at times..think about it.weekdays,full force of work..weekends,on saturday prolly work then mit ej and spend time with him..sunday send him off to camp.next day,work comes in again.i dun even get to rest..nt even a decent 8hours of sleep..and its been this way for the past 3 weeks.i feel like dropping everything and just scream.

.arms.of.sorrow.

for you..a thousand times over..

i've just uploaded a lot of pictures in my http://www.ladiedidi.spaces.live.com/ those were pics taken over the weeks i've been miting him..

anw,friday didnt go well,though the party was great..team's target were not met coz everyone was having so much fun..went home after and felt shitty..as me and him lash over the fone..the first squabble eversince ns..the next day had been planned..whereby he'll be spending time with his family and myself with mum,pipi and ally over at town..treated family to pizza hut and bought my uncle's tie at tangs and sent them off to the bus stop..it was past 8pm by then..ej was still stuck at raffles..headed to wisma..walked for a bit..then left for the train station..there,i waited for him till past 9pm..i was already feeling so pissed coz i noe time would be limited for us..there,i sat,fuming mad..i hate short mit-ups..i dun see a reason to mit up if we have to separate so early..finally he came,and boy were we so distanced..walked thru the crowd and headed to somerset mrt..both were not talking to each other..with no place to go,i shadowed his footsteps,while he did mine..coz we both didnt talk to each other thruout and had no idea where our feet were bringing us..finally we stopped and he held my hand and whispered 'lanson'.i was still mad.so i just followed.didnt say a word.he hugged and i rested on his chest,unwillingly,although the monster inside purred a little bit.didnt wanna swallow my ego and pride.hence i walked with a crease on my forehead.brat.

reached there,we were sitting quite apart..i felt so bad and disgusted with myself coz i didnt make him better as he was retching and all i did was to pass him my Hugo bottle..he didnt wanna drink..there,his eyes full of fresh tears,the aftermath of puking and looked at me..we had been silent for the whole journey and half an hour of sitting at lanson..past 10pm already..and he tried to cool me down..eventually i gave in,as time was past 10.30..i didnt wanna part..i knew we had to go off soon..and i didnt wan2...i hugged him and felt like crying..i realli missed him so much and having that tiff didnt help to bring us closer..and those silence..so near,yet so far apart..alas,we walked off and had supper at mcdees..past 11pm..he made me laugh so hard..and i realli felt so special that night..coz he rememberd the little things that usually dun realli matter..but now,it does..it amuse me still and im appreciative of how his mind thinks of wat he should do to make me better..thanks,baby..

took the second last train and we spent the night together..

.sunday.
got home past 1pm and i uploaded the pics at pipi's laptop and washed up..rushed out again at 3.30pm and bump into zul at 969 railing.went to ej's place..and we ate as his mum made small talks with me and 'interrogated' me about last night..hehe..zul was sniggering away..cb..rushed out at 6 and we headed to sid's place coz baby missed amber and boy had she grown!!so cute..and she wanted me!!:)yes,she could stand already,but for a mere 5seconds,and plop,she'll fall on her butt.so cute!!and she looovveee the shoes i bought for her..and so off we went again,this time to end the day...

while walking towards the interchange,he fell silent..and told me that he's gonna miss me..and he dun feel like gng back to camp..coz he noes he'll miss me..and shunning away a man's pride and dignity,tears filled his eyes and i knew i had to be strong..coz when im weak,he'll pick me up..and now,it's the other way round.hand in hand we walked as i assured him and tried to make him smile..part of me felt like crying too coz we noe it's gonna be hard all over again..and time will nvr be enuf to feel contented..so then,we started to sing his morning march song..and i echoed him..and we felt better.."in the early morning march,with a fieldpack on my back.with the aching in my heart,and my body full of sweat.i'm a long long way from home,as i miss my lover so."and then i forgot how the lyrics go..

upon stepping on the escalator at yishun mrt,both fell silent.turned,at the same time said "i hate this part."we knew we're gonna take the train to separate our ways..thank god for his civilian clothing,we hugged.as we reached chua chu kang,i gave a slight pull to avoid him from standing from his seat..i didnt want him to go..waited for darf and sufi and there,i cried at the bus stop.buried my face on his chest as he stroked my hair and whispered words of comfort..i knew im gonna miss him..and i already was missing him..kissed,hugged,kiss his hand and he gave a peck on my forehead,bid him goodbye as the bus went past me and i hung my head low with darf beside me missing sufi..

waking up from a short sleep,my heart felt something amiss..and im starting to hate mondays..coz that's when things will start all over again..to be strong,to have my days filled with work and to not think about him so much..

i could hear you sing..and im echoing you..

happy monday,emptiness..

.words.speaks.for.themselves.

i fucking hate this and i dun need all this fuckshits.

.i.wont.see.you.tonight.

and everything came crashing down..

i anticipated his call last night..somehow everything had made me blue and somewat upset..oh wells..today's gonna be the national day celebration with the 4th floor Income's department..partay,bitches!!!im only looking forward to that..coz there'll be food,drinks and most importantly music and lovely colleagues who are the smoke buddies at loading bay..and all of us in one room...i guess it'll be as loud as how we are all will be when we're fagging..

i wish somehow he's the person that he was when he was 2 weeks in camp.only then would i finally feel somewat appreciated..

and i wont be seeing you today.im sure of that.

nysh called just now..."s0959234?!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!she was asking for my e-mail add under Income...and i swear the last 3 numbers are ssoo different to the last 2 numbers of my staff code.HAHAHAHAH....

happy friday,arse.

.hb.sg.cf.

.01.04.08.

"baby..u noe wat?i fgojdojfksmd"

and he replied

"haha..yeah rite..i miss you in french i guess?haha..."

and i remembered laughing my ass off coz pipi fooled him and rai the day bfore that text about her understanding french and german language.

little things amuse me..and i'm missing him so

bad right now..

.i.wanna.lie.on.your.chest.again.

sleep well my angel..

he called!!!and i sssoo could hear his excitement in his voice..he passed his firing..woots to that and he missed me so..blardy..he said he couldnt concentrate coz he was missing me so much and he was thinking of me..hurhur...sssooo parntart one..haha..

i started being annoying and he was so patient with me..it felt realli gd listening to his voice..i realli miss him so much..and he said since he's on half day 2mrw,he'll fetch me at loading bay after work.YEAY!!!!!!!so happy,okay..i realli love him..he's my life..seriously..i wouldnt wanna trade him for any other..and word,i dun even flirt nor think about any other guys except for him,eventhough he's away in camp and i dun get much attention,but honestly..all i think about is him..

i realli cant wait for time to pass us by..i want 2mrw to come soon....cant wait to be in ur arms,baby..let's take more stupid pictures of us for us to see,okay..hahahaha...'cashier'.HAHA

happy thursday,bloggers..

.descend.the.shades.of.night.

angel's wrath...

with regards to the entry on my spaces.live,i was feeling pissed yesterday...and today..eversince monday whereby he didn't call me at all..me and darf were very upset..though he did say that he'll be doing life firing,but i realli wished that night that he was able to call.so ard 11plus went down to mcdees to mit pipi and liz..as when the clock strikes midnight,it'll be pipi's bdae :) and she doesnt noe we had everything planned for her..so we headed to study corner and talked..oblivious to everything ard her and was clueless of wat's gonna happen.liyana,hakim,mas and khir crept behind us and sang her happy bdae..past midnight and boy was she surprised till she actually cried..we talked,laughed till it was nearing 2am..gave her the gift me and liz got for her and yes,she was glad about it..hurhur..

i waited and waited,yet still no calls received...slept at 4am..i couldnt sleep at all actually..i kept waking up thinking my fone rang.but it didnt...the next day didnt go to work,hence the blogat spaces.live..i bummed at home and had a good rest..unfortunately my mind was in full mode as i was anticipating his call..yet,it nvr came.except sufi did call darf although it was nearing midnight,after much coaxing with the sargeant.im still disappointed and honestly,today didnt start off well..i just need to hear his voice.that's all.

im stuck with a lot of projects..after finishing 63 data at fast speed and still i had to hit 50.fuck.i was pissed with my teamleader.i didnt talk to her the whole day.and i was near tearing the fact that i dun like being pressurized.fuck her.seriously.i was so pissed just now.everyone can see that.

happy wednesday,bitches.

.thru.all.the.shits.in.life.

u noe wat...screw this.

im in so much pain right now..it hurts...again.fucking again and it's realli pissing me off.wat the fuck is gng on,i have no freaking idea..last thursday i went to the doctor.upon hearing when i can't poop,i'll puke,he said it sounds serious. so he checked my tummy..he gave some pills..so i popped those pills.i was able to poop some the next day..but it still continues being a biotch.and guess wat...i just puked just now coz i couldnt poop.and yes,im getting ever so worried coz the doctor wasnt assuring when his forehead formed a crease when i told him i puked.and wats worse is when my colleague told me an 'enlightening' story whereby her cousin had the same case as me and she actually was warded and had to go for surgery.oh how comforting. -_______________-

can i just slice my tummy open to take out all the junks and shits in my in blocked intestine!?!?!?fucking hell i cant stand the pain anymore!!!! and btw,painkillers?it didnt help.

.metalingus.

he smiled and laughed..and i smiled with glee...

he fetched me at loading bay on saturday..and i asked him to run through the int coz i can't wait to be in his arms..and he did..i saw him running towards me..aaww,u silly boy..as we hugged and he ogled..ggrrr..so cheeky..and we sat for a fag..took some pics,talked and i just cant stop smiling as he's right there,in front of me!!:) he realli took care of me as i was so self-conscious..i felt near naked..he chose the necklace for me at bullet then after we took the train..my silly boy just can't stop being silly..god..i swear my sides were aching from laughing..gosh..missing him rite now..

pips,george and ally went off to thailand for a short getaway as george couldnt be there on pipi's bdae which falls 2mrw..so the trip was to make it up to her..hope she brings home stuffs for me..:) initial plan was to mit zul and wan after,but we were late and they were going off already,so it was cancelled as me and ej went off to kfc to eat..i thought my pangs are more than over..but as i sip my pepsi,the tummy grumbled..and it ached again..i was having cold sweats and just felt like passing out..but thank god i didnt..the sweetheart sent me off home..thank you..and so he asked me a question...and i was overwhelmed..of course,baby..of course..

.sunday.
woke up late,at last i had my beauty sleep and got ready to mit him..i wanted to hug him so bad..but we can't as he's in his army uniform..in the train we passed by kranji and one of the factory was caught in fire.god..billows of smoke were covering the sky and the huge flames got me pretty scared..i was scared for them..wat if there's ppl trapped inside??i was near tearing..ej assured me the firefighters will do their job..since there were like more than 5 trucks..so we reached lot 1 pretty early and decided to eat at ljs.darf texted and while eating,she and adik ipar came and join us.i swear ej and sufi looked the same.both in uniform and shaved heads.hahah..took more pics and off for a fag..and yes,he did hug me at last..when we reach the bus stop,realised they were late,in the end they cab back to camp..and once i waved gdbye,i was already missing him..gah!!!babe...!!!:(

darf and me chilled for a bit...and she told me about 4 yrs time..and im so happy for her!!!oh god babe..congratulations!!!we were being so 'emo' coz we were already missing our bfs although it was only half an hour we had parted our ways..otw back home,my tummy was being an ass again..cold sweat and it realli hit me real bad..i was in so much pain i felt like fainting.again.i was alone and i knew i had to be strong..so i endured all the way back home..

past 10pm,still no calls from him.alas he did..and he asked a random qn,just like how he did on saturday night..and now,it's already been estimated.i could not be more happy than to hear him question me.i would love to...and today i woke up feeling super happy..policyholders have yet to burst my bubble and wats more is when ej's psp is with me and i've been listening to my fav songs and artists.from oi to punk rock to death metal.yeay!!

if on friday i get my pay,can we pls go to spaggeddies?i swear im craving for the lasagne..i love u,baby...

in 4 years time...:)

happy monday,mrs damato..

.yeay.yeay.yeay.

he's home!!!!!!

ej's back from camp..booked out at 11plus just now..and he'll be fetching me at loading bay and yes im wearing that red top..woots for that,sure as hell im gonna give some loving to him coz i miss him loads...with hugs,kisses and loves...I MISS HIM,GODDIMWITS!!

happy saturday,stars..

.contact.centre.department.

dress down friday.
theme-charter colours!:)

.swooping.wings.

taking back...

last night rushed home from work as bro wanted to treat family to dinner at 'sedap restaurant'.i swear i've put on weight..my cheeks are so chubby and i noe the first thing ej would do is to pinch it.-____- i dun wanna be fat.. :( the tummy had been such an annoying ass lately(as complained in previous entries) yet i still feel hungry..prolly it had not digest properly and i've been forcing myself to either shit or puke.no,i've not gone bullemic.god forbids..

bro went off at midnight for his flight back to qatar..huggd him gdbye and said my thanks..that whole month of him being here is sucha great thing that could ever happen to family..felt so complete and esp the trip to genting and kl..the family realli bonded well and the relationship had grown so much stronger..thanks,abang..for sure it's gonna be quite different at home now he's gone..but hey,the family had sucha great time with u..although it was just a month u're back in homeland.

yesterday ej called while in the cab otw to simpang bedok..he sounded so happy and hyper while for myself,wished that i could get more privacy as mum was beside me and i couldn't talk so freely..boo to that,but it's gonna be 2mrw that we'll be meeting.i'm so in the 'i-so-can't-wait-to-see-you-again' moment right now..i realli miss him..and i can't wait to get his hugs and him making me laugh..cherish the ones u love,even if u're given only a chance to be with them..can't expect to depend on them so much..as they have other responsibilities..sure,attention's needed or one will feel empty and lonely..and one shouldn't go to the entent of doing hurtful stuff to urself nor to expect a whole lot just to get his attention..hey..even if they're not there,doesnt mean they love u any lesser..so smile,babes..and u noe who i am talking about..

happy friday,2mrw i'm meeting the ghumbra!!