.4.days.since.you.called.

18 april 09.all sweaty coz the weather's so humid.

hello..i think by now,i'd publicize my blog already..so how're u?hope things are well..

rite now i feel like a hard stone,unable to feel anything and not wanting to feel anything..numbed myself and made sure no emotions could pass thru me..i've yet to crumble,i've yet to break down.but i noe,deep inside me,it had happened..it long died.and it had weeped and tasted sorrow..yet it didnt surface for me to feel...yet.or probably never..

i write and talk with rhymes and games..with poetic expressions with eyes glazed.i sat and i wondered,wat the hell did i do?as a call was made and my heart broke into two.she consoled,she made me better.yet i was raging,the body shaking.tears welled up,yet i wiped fast.after all that, tears no longer came to my eyes. another call as i told him i knew. all i hear was deafening silence,as finally the click of the end of call.i sighed and i stared.there's nothing to do.till today,i wish the fone ringing,is from you.

i wished i didnt see,i wished i didnt acknowledge.yet the truth was there,the lies u said.the trip to the airport,the trip to ur place.u lied.again and again.as u sent me off,we talked about yesterdays.we felt our heart,as one at its best.yet when i went to my office,wat did u do?you called and was ready.off to carry on the lies that u said.i believed you,and i trusted you.no longer disappointment,but just 'wat do i do?'

days filled with talks to my babes and lad..days filled with work..u lied and u lied.for ur own selfish reasons.in a sudden u changed,as all ur environment did.u became someone i dun even noe and u went to places i wished u didn't go.yet i told u,yes i'll be fine.and u went.u betrayed my trust.of coz now u noe i wont be happy if u inform me u're going again,with the same people again.hence selfishness took place and u went ahead anyway.but if u noe it's gonna jeapordize the relationship and it'd make me unhappy,why bother at the first place?

taking things for granted.

all the sacrifices we made,all the things we went thru.all wasted to just make it into a memory.a memory probably i wouldnt want to reminisce as it will kill me like a stab with a butter knife.slowly piercing thru,to make sure that,i will be dead.

there's no reason for u to call,there's nothing for us to talk about.i noe the truth,and u had no balls to admit or even say sorry.all i hear was the click of the fone,coz u hung up.and there is all there is to it.it says of how much u love me,or even how much true that is.we fight on all fours for us,we sacrificed for the best of future,yet now life's in ruins and there's nobody else for us to blame but ourselves.coz i believed u and i gave in.and u took that for granted and u lied to me still.

i still do not know whether i should pack my bags and leave.coz i noe im still not that strong to carry on.yet,i noe that i can never trust him again.never had it crossed my mind of how capable he is to do all this,but surprises happenes..to think i sacrificed my sleep to go online to search for the best hotel to throw his surprise party and calculating the amount i'll be left to stay alive for the month..wasted.never ending faith.yet it had ebbed in me.

one day i will make the decision..solely mine.and i hope there's no turning back on wat i've decided.regardless leaving or staying.it's mine.my life..tell me im dumb,well i feel very much dumb to give him another chance.but it's hard when he's always been part of my life.think.

2 days since i ate.the last i had was the 5 spoonfuls of mee goreng with tsue and nora.other than that,water and fags.hence the picture of how skinny my arms became and how all this shit had exhausted and puncture my youth and grace.

happy monday,babes.