.carpe.diem?.not.

A HUGE BITCH SLAP to zul. -.-
i swear u can be super gay.HAHAHAHAHA..

yesterday was my first encounter..well,prolly would noe wat i mean when i put night+office+only 2 ppl working at that floor..freaked me out and i think that either my imaginations had run wild eversince,or it's realli happening where i hear things upon opening the office door today.and it doesnt help that im on my 2nd day of period..prolly that had triggered it to well..'disturb' us last night..

all memories are still vivid in my mind..i read my past entries..and it was super detailed(i noe..-.-) that i could just relive it and re-enact my actions..im all smiles..it had been all smiles..eventhough there were so many times where we'd quarrel..but all's good..however...

to tell the truth,the past still haunts me..that 4 months into the relationship with him where all trust was broken and i felt so betrayed..people forgive..but can never forget..i dun voice it out anymore..i dun bring up about it..coz all he would say is that 'it's the past and i already apologised..' it affects me so bad it'll be brought to my dreams which will turn out to be a nightmare once i wake up..hence,paranoia and insecurity..okay.put that aside..

now wat's realli bugging me is that 2 weeks of him gng to brunei..whenever i read those lines again,it's like gawd!!how petty,dids..but the heart is somehow feeling something's amiss each time i think about it..they'll say dun think about it..and then wat?when the time realli comes?then wat?do i just go about each day as how it gives?no can do,huney..i gotta be mentally prepared for things..so that when it happens,i noe for sure of wat i gotta do..fug.it's making me sick to the stomach as to how ns is still and such a biotch!!protect the country my ass.we'll all be dead even before the men could hold up their rifle once war comes.or maybe not.*touch wood*

the days and time's ticking..for all i noe i'll be sending him off at the airport come 12feb..valentine's can kiss my blardy ass.i still blame him for my unhappiness.but i blame him too for my happiness.now how in the world can that happen??fugginhell!!

life sucks,and then you die.

happy friday,mofos..one more night of work,dids..
one more night..

.death.before.dishonour.

.cosmetics-less.

never ending war..

it's true wat my colleague said..the 4 days of holidays will pass by quickly,as if it didn't happen.i dread going to work..from the start of work,i cant feel my fingers..as though the nerve had died or something..it's weird typing..eventhough it's just 4 days since i touched the keyboard..nevertheless it was sucha great holiday,as time was spent with him..it's not enuf still..never will be..but it was satisfying as i get to cuddle and acknowledge his presence..

he fetched me from work on saturday morning..yes!!with his ibanez guitar!!damn sleek with his loved whammy bar or however-u-should-spell-it as we cabbed to our destination..he taught me 'tapping' and i played with the whammy bar..which was uber cool!! so after 6pm there i went off for home while he waited patiently at my void deck for me to shower and get ready again..so we went to have dinner at swensens and chilled out a bit..the pictures are still in the digicam,have not uploaded..so will update him with his guitar soon..contented, as he loved the guitar,happy 1 year gift to u,baby.."ESP" in 4 year's time,k..hehe..

off we went home as he sent me off,myself super pms-ing..don't like it as i perspire more and i feel super fat..so we met up again on monday..he fetched me at my void deck as we went to ct hall,suntec to mit his family..en route there we fooled around as most shops were closed and suntec was like a ghost town as everyone's celebrating cny..so we danced and jumped and gosh..it was realli that 'moment' where u feel euphoric,not caring the world and just have that time to be u..amidst the onlookers,the people sitting at the mini fountain inside..i gave an artistic jump and danced and he did the same..we smiled,we giggled,we laughed..till we reached the basement to meet my in-laws.kehkehekh..

god..i miss his mum so..as wawan got excited upon seeing us and we walked..to have dinner..most restaurants were closed,so we had dinner at swensens...AGAIN.i gave them all a treat and paid the bill,with his mum interrogating me whether i paid for it..and i had to keep it a secret coz babe said that his mum will kick up a fuss if she were to noe about it..we then went to carrefour as all shops were closed..needless to say..fooled ard again,i grocery shopped for my mum..well,bought coffee and dish sponges for her and air refreshener for my room.. -.- and ej's mum picked up koko krunch for me..thanks to ej who tricked me when i thought it was actually for his family.blardy..

we sent them off to the bus stop..(i realli love them) while ej and i head to esp..dunnoe why,but it's been a while..the crowd..oh god!!all i see was chinese!!apparently there was a show since it's cny..we sat at the steps and talked..that was when i received a text from rai..

10.30pm..we cabbed to east coast..greeted by rai and fhil as we joined bart and wati..talked nonsense and reminisce mine and fhil 'drunk' moments while they laughed their asses off..and ghost stories..nearing 1am..cabbed back home with rai and ej..he insisted on sending me first,then cab back to yishun..how sweet can he get,realli..ej and i sat at neptune..we talked about future,the present and our career..it was realli a good and matured conversation in things that we realli wan2 achieve..it was then it fell upon us that it's gonna be real hard..but regardless,we'll still have each other to fall back on..

hands playing and feeling dazed..we didnt get back home only till afternoon..i cried and voiced my thoughts..that 2 week's not gonna be easy..it'll be difficult emotionally..a kiss and a very long hug..as i fell asleep in his arms..

now,i gotta start doing my work and stop going through websites..

happy thursday,starlights..

.nothing.can.keep.them.apart.

and so what's left..

i knew this would happen and i knew how it's gonna be..i took this job as i pounced on every opportunity given..and lady luck was my angel as the director agreed to the salary i wrote eventhough it seems ridiculous to me..on top of that the allowance and benefit pulled the best outta me as i agreed and joined the company..a new project to operate the company 24/7 due to overseas clients and self being a broker's company,would have to liase with the insurance companies which has 24/7 hotline as well..therefore me and another collegue works night shift.

it's already a month since i started working here..time was scarce for me now as i get too exhausted end of day..hence time didnt permit me to socialize much and the hours and minutes gets shorter in each call that ej and i make.

himself in camp,only booking out on friday/saturday,myself working till saturday morning..when it's his free time,im off to bed..and when im otw to work where we can talk,he'll be busy..and before his lights out,i'm busy doing my work..i would be lying if i were to say im not missing him..in fact i miss him much more now..my entertainer had left me..no..work took over my life and only source of entertainment,love,him.

im in dire of him..but the conversation just now had made everything so much harder..when even how much u'd push it all at the back of ur mind,the whole situation would arise eventually..and his mobile,having no reception made me frustrated as that was my free time before i clear the huge pile of work on my desk..but he called,right smack in the middle of myself already having the momentum of from one document to another.which of coz flamed the torch of war..i've been very nasty and well,sarcastic.i hate myself for doing that..i wouldnt put a finger on pms..coz im suppose to control..hell,i'd tried that too many of a time which eventually load up the baggage..so *pfft! to that and let's just say that i gotta either go for counseling session or anger management..not healthy,yo.

although there's been ups and downs the whole week,i still miss u,baby..
and i love u...
regardless...no matter what..

xoxo
ur lady.

**and to HID:
the bf joined army in july 08..mono-intake,4SIR,chua chu kang camp..
Charlie:rifleman downpes to storeman to company quartermaster..

.obsessive.

when there's nothing...

eventhough i didnt sleep well yesterday,i was unable to sleep still today..hence...the pictures..well i guess it's self-explanatory.

back to work now...

tra~~

.black.gold.reign.

to the violence..

im happy for you as Charlie got an A whereas Alpha and Bravo got Cs..im happy coz u contributed so much cleaning up the store and making sure there's no speck of dust..and amidst all the tire in your voice and the crankiness in you,you still do your job..even when you booked in,being the only storeman available,you knew your responsibilities..and i am very proud of you,my CQ..well done,baby... (=

online shopping is addictive...i knew that,hence i didn't even bother gng through the websites that has offers and shitzits..but then,some idiot just had to add me in friendster with their website address being their shoutout.i looked at the pictures..oh so cute!!!hell,i clicked the webpage..found myself shopping online.fug.and it's so tempting to purchase another..it's all super japanese outfits,nah..not kimonos..but the clothings they sell are super jap and effing pretty..

since i'll be shifting house (again) to pasir ris this time by june,ppl had been coming to my house with their agents..i cant even get a decent wink of sleep as my sis will barge into my room and wake me up and tell me that ppl are otw..fug...i had 2hours of sleep just now..not helping it's only 2.02am and i thought it's past 4am..

i realli cant wait to see my babe..i cant wait to see his eyes light up in delight as he hold the ibanez guitar..and thank you for accompanying me to shop..guys dun usually like it,u noe...hehe...

god,i miss u..

happy wednesday,peaches

.in.4.years'.time.baby.

nothing but your t-shirt on...

eventhough things were sour last week,he made the effort still to cheer me up and met me right after he book out before i go to work..the way he held me and the way he kept looking into my eyes made me acknowledge the fact that he realli misses me..i bit back watever retort and the ego in me and held him too as time was precious since it was in 15mins time that i gotta be at work..hence we parted ways as he went off for home..

i shouldn't have silenced my mobile as he gave 15 missed calls on saturday afternoon..was so shagged after work that i slept near 6pm,when that was the time we were supposed to mit.my head was spinning as i woke up abruptly and started to rush..did not help when he took a cab to my place..coz he said.."im late.." when i think it was sssooo me being late..so i had to rush...even more.. -.- pipi and i had a tiff..i nearly dun wanna mit him..i cried over the phone as i felt freaking shitty and had not even feel as though it's supposed to be a day of celebration for our 1 year and no way am i suppose to ruin it.yet...

we hugged and kissed as we took a cab to orchard..did i say my pay was in..and fug..i've nvr received a whole lotta money..seriously..i was so shocked,i thought that someone transferred wrongly to my account..but no..it's MINE!!regardless,he paid for it as we bought tix for movies and had dinner at cafe cartel with the worst service i ever get in my freaking entire life.for a quick dining (so i think) place smacked in town,they shouldn't have china nationales working who don't noe English except to say.."one moment."and then??nothing..happily walking ard,and myself expecting her to get another staff to serve me..fug no..her "one moment" means.."i-dun-understand-u-and-u-can-fuck-off".wat did i do??lash it out.

see..the service was slow eventhough the food was nice..we had ordered dessert and specifically told the staff not to serve with our main course.so after finishing the latter,we asked for the dessert.that stupid china woman asked me to wait.she didn't ask another staff to come to my table..20mins pass by..5mins to our show.fug.ej went to the dessert counter..he said that they were still doing our waffles..i was too pissed,i got up and lashed it out to the staff doing our dessert..coz she was chatting happily and was doing her work slowly.it's not like as if u're putting whipped cream on a man's body,u noe!!it's damn ice cream can just squirt it all over!!so when i told her that we've waited for too long and we're in a rush.can u be faster??only then she did she really gather speed.and it amazed me how her speed accelerates.i stormed back to my table,ignoring the stares of the patrons around that counter.i didn't even enjoy it coz i was fuming mad.

had a fag and bumped into zhi wei and ryan..in which kak ain and the kids and her cousin came after..and so we were crazy enuf to crash into the theater..not realli,since we paid for the tix,but we were late(blame cafe cartel) and nobody was at the counter where they tear the tix.happily ej pulled the entrance strap and we rushed in,giggling..i swear i thought it could get us into trouble,balls..but nothing happened,so phew to that!

then after we bought 2 heinekins and a pack of fags for me..ej wanted wine..but since it's been a while since i drank,well let's just get beer instead..so while walking,we hear someone calling out ej's name..waddayanoe..zee and emily..and she said that i lost weight.zee asked if im on drugs..no..and no,i didn't feel happy hearing the loss of weight..coz i noe that it was the unhealthy way of losing it.spent the nite and cabbed to swee lee...which was closed.

hence,saturday i'll be getting his ibanez and let's go shopping!!!!!!!!and let's have dinner at 'the vilage'..coz i noe u wanna go there and im craving for their crepes.

my colleague just farted and it stinks like shit.

happy tuesday,loves.

.your.weakness.makes.me.sick.

more words you can say..

you think it is that simple to just let go of someone.no.it's not.not when the memories flow freely in one's mind and was brought back; reminiscing.was it guilt that was felt?im not too sure..all i noe is that it is of an indescribable emotion that bolted in me..like mixed feelings which made it hard for me to single one out and put a defination to it.confusion.

it is easy for you to tell me that what im upset about is ridiculous.it is easy.but it's not for me..i dun even noe whether i've opted for auto-roam for our lines..sure i can always call and ask for it..but..*sigh* i dunno..i just cant seem to think about anything and i cant feel anything.is that good or bad?after being upset...now,i feel very much distanced from you..hence the emptiness in my heart..somehow..maybe im being too petty about it..but u gotta understand that it is of a shocking news,though i see it coming..but i dunno,ej...ask my heart..don't ask me..coz i dun even noe wat the heart's saying..

everything is not okay..2mrw is already saturday..suppose to spend our time together..to celebrate one thing we looked forward to..though it was 1 month expired..but now,i ain't anticipating for anything..and maybe it's better if we dun see each other anytime soon...so that i can cool this head and heart of mine..i noe it's not ur fault..then let me be alone just for this time...

you noe i'll still chase after you...everytime..everytime..
but just for now...let me be..

happy friday,all..