.my.own.star.

who we are..

on saturday afternoon ej book out from camp..hence went as planned..i met apom,zul and mil at kembangan mrt to break fast together..we walked all the way to kampong chai chee restaurant which mil had booked the day before..apom kept on complaining about the distance and the hot weather.sheesh!!alas we got our ass there and settled down,choosing the food to order..ej came a short while later with his eyebrow piercings on which caught me by surprise as i thought it's closed already as apom went off to fetch sitt from the station..

we all had good laugh and talk..i kept asking ej to hold me as i miss him so but we knew we could not,due to the seats occupied by makciks and pakciks..the rice arrived late,although the dishes came rite after we ordered,which turned cold at the sound of azan..famished as we gobbled everything down..we crossed and each had a fag as sitt and i played 'catching' after knowing ej spilled the secret to her..and i kept asking who until...dang..my own bf..blardy!!took the bus to joo chiat for mil to get the ethnic costume for her bro..ej too..we walked..we were complaining..we wanted to get out..so damn hot and crowded..from joo chiat to city plaza(which i chose the lime green costume for ej as it's the same clr as mine..:) )..back to the bazaar for apom to devour his dendeng cravings..and so we walked back to paya lebar station with sitt's dangdut song being stuck in each of our minds..bah! "stop!kau mencuri hatiku..hatikkkuuu!!!" god..u can just imagine how annoying that was..from sitt to mil..to ej..and then i found myself singing it..it just got stuck.yes.with a very annoying high pitched voice..all of us,that is..lol

decided on punggol at yishun..to chill out..it was past 10pm by then..in the train sitt and i insulted this woman from china who wore realli skimpy clothings..her butt cheeks can be seen and if i were to push that strap bag,i swear her pussy can be seen as well.that was how short her hot pants was and damn she's fugly..i wonder if she even understand the dissings we shouted to each other due to us sitting across from another..

reached yishun,bumped into arman as i talked to tsue for a but over the fone and chilled at punggol..the name of the coffee shop..ordered milo and talked..taufiq came by and sitt and her hubby went off for home..past midnight..i wondered when i'll be getting my ass off for home..we were deciding on places to go..as mil walked off from zul from a tiff they had..apom wanted to get toiletries..suggested mustafa centre..then ej suggested something else to me..decided on that..nearing 2am we got our ass off,finally and cabbed to our destination..

we were late as we woke up feeling so groggy and sleepy..it was 6.30am as we joined the morning commuters..sweet enuf to send me off to tamp int as early as morning i was already giving him a stupid joke..fagged at our usual spot and waited for his bus this time as he's always doing that for me..and so we talked about brunei and ns and all..

ard 5pm we talked again,after getting our ultimate rest at home..he didnt wanna go back to camp..i didnt want him to either..but we both noe he has to go..he assured and reassured me as i cried over the fone of the things that we wish..the time,the effort,the yearns...i noe i got him...i've always got him..and that makes me love him ever more,no matter wat..

he'll be booking out 2mrw nite and we'll mit..and we'll see if over the weekends we'll get to see each other due to hari raya family visits..sigh...at least i'll still get to hear ur voice each nite,baby..

happy monday,angels..

in time it ticks..

did my spring cleaning for my room last nite..everything finished at 1am...i seriously gotta stop sleeping so late at nite..and i've been talking in my sleep..that's how shagged i am..sigh..

ej called last nite..giving me 13 miss calls..i was in the shower..gee..but thank god he had not surrendered his mobile..he's on 4 days off from training..after that 4 days,back to all those marching jogging and suchnots..kinda worried..but rite now i'm not realli that bothered...i dunnoe..im feeling mellow and trying to be numb to all those things that i've been feeling or talking to him about..2mrw bros back from qatar for hari raya..over there eid mubarak is the wildest ocassion..whereby holidays had been prolonged just to celebrate that day...woots to that,while for myself,it's only for one day..anw,im not feeling well rite now..i dun feel like blogging..so tra~~ loves..

happy thrusday,babes

.you.will.always.be.my.baby.

running thru my head..

i had been feeling depressed lately..with no appetite to eat and always feel so lethargic..breakdowns for no reason and always a dread to do something..all i wanna do is to coop myself in my room,lie on the bed and just stare at the empty ceiling above me..reason for it all?i have no idea..prolly ej and his rifleman thingy..or maybe i just feel so tired every single day from work and not having enuf rest makes all problems pile on my shoulders...i've been popping piriton pills just to have a good sleep..no,not addicted yet..

talked to mum about ej abt him being a rifleman and how disappointed i am in meeting him only on weekends..mum said that if i really wanna be with him,i gotta have patience and i gotta endure..mum says that he's suffering and i gotta give my support..i said that he's not the only one as im suffering too..and i noe that i'll be damn upset if i dun get to see him during weekends..for 2months i've endured that weekends thingy..and now for the rest of his ns life i gotta endure as well..sigh..i do wanna be with him..but it's tough,balls...it's realli an obstacle..

ej's dad and i talked over the fone..it was nice talking to him as whenever i go over to his place,i find myself being shy to talk informally with his dad..somewat awkward..prolly the lack of a male figure in life had made me feel distanced and weird when talking to a fatherly person..but his dad had made me feel comfortable in talking to him over the fone as we talked about ej and all..

ej got back from cmpb and had his x ray of his knee done..we talked over the fone since morning..an awesome morning for me,i'd say..can't wait to see him soon..

with love,dids.

.my.beautiful.

when life is..

i dun feel like blogging but rite now let's just write it all down for memories' keepsake..brief,yet i noe it'll be etched in my mind after readin it all..on friday after work he fetched me at loading bay..suppose to follow him for his jamming..but i was upset and i did the most stupidest thing ever..yes,i walked off from him again.fug..i noe i shouldn't..but i followed my emotions too much..sigh..sucky..and yes,i did gave him some profanities bfore departing..i was sucha bitch for doing that..and almost i wanted to end it all..end of the day i took back my words..i noe for sure i needed him and it was all out of anger..im sorry..

.saturday.
we went out and had our dinner at ps.waited for zul and apom and we got ourselves couple ring..cheesy,i noe..very cliche but hey..i trust that this ring will bring us to the dreams we have..and im very much happy with it..waited for sitt to finish work at cotton on and we all went off..bumped into azri at platform and we took the train ride home..

.sunday.
initial plan was to go over to his place..but decided to cab to our destination and i can say that that was the best ever!!okay..prolly u guys already have things in mind of wat happened,well the sins are between me and god.and it wouldn't affect ur life now,rite?hence the body connects as profanities were thrown only to see each other in hunger..thrash it all..

.monday.
he books in today..i spent last night talking to him and coaxing his upset self as he do not wish to return to camp..guess that 10days was pure joy for him despite the fights we had.he was very relunctant to go back to camp..he sounded so sad and i wish i was next to him at that moment to hug him better..that was the only 2nd time i hear/see him being sad to go..we talked from dusk and he was already in the bus otw to camp..tried to converse in a cheery voice and fought myself from falling back to sleep..finally he had reached his camp..

he called while i was in the bus otw to work..he's been posted as a rifleman.and now's the time where i dun feel like blogging...as this is wat wan text me "it's the worst vocation anyone could get. gng in and out of the jungle nearly everyday. as usual book out on weekends. very lucky to get a friday book out, if that happens."
for the rest of his ns life he gotta do this.i admit im very much upset and cried in the bus..and i noe he has no control over it..but for the rest of his army life..gosh..and zul texted and said that rather than swearing at him for something beyond his control,i should be giving him my utmost support.yes...i noe i should be doing that..a glimmer of hope..i just need him back..coz i dun wish to see him only on weekends for the rest of this ns..i will be missing u....i am missing you..

joy,my love..bring back the smile..

happy monday,addicts.

.life.is.of.black.and.white.

in ur presence..

i woke up feeling groggy and my head was throbbing..ally was sick and had high fever..i think i'm sick too..i'm feeling so warm and my throat hurts..prolly not enuf rest and too much fags..or prolly plain sick.

yesterday his dad text me to call him,to wake him up to fetch his bro as his mum's not at home..i talked to a pissed off voice and i hung up as i couldnt be bothered anymore to talk to him after relaying the message..then after,his mum called me..i had to call him again to ask him to call his mum.and he hung up on me this time..bfore that,he gave a few shoutings bfore ending the call..a very happy 9 months,huh?sigh..

i decided to think thoroughly of the decision i was contemplating..i was still at work,i couldnt concentrate so much as the heart was yearning to shout,only letting it all be a silent scream..finally i took up the courage to text him words i was unsure,yet the best that i could think of..i couldnt take the screaming i get every nite,the hang ups i had to endure,the false hopes everytime..i found myself texting words of contempt as i couldnt take all the cuss and swears being thrown..i then decided that it's best to end things..yet i was still unsure..unwillingly..

he texted asking me whether it's all joke..a plead at the end as i found one being on mercy..yet it disgusts me as a call was received and there he was asking me not to end it,yet he was still shouting..the reception was not of help as his voice kept breaking off..for all i noe he screamed his lungs out as i caught offguard and hastily hung up the fone due to shock and being frightened..

i was shivering mad and my heart full of anger and disappointment..i didnt noe wat to do..i was helpless as i chose the decision that came the first thing in my mind..impulsive as i made the decision clear of where to mit and time to pass his stuff back..

he called again as he consoled me,apologising for all the profanities being thrown at me for the past few days..i cried as the guy beside my desk threw glances and gave a "are u okay" look..naz was there for me thruout as she hugged and calmed me down..thank you..informed him that i'll give a call once im home..as im still at work..there's no privacy and i couldnt think clear..he apologised again and pleaded for things not to end.."9 months to waste..when all these while we've endured everything.." and so he said..yet i guess endurance had nvr been part of me..or maybe i've endured too much that now it really had triggered my button..

i forgot about the call as finally he called me and talked to me..in the wee hours in the morning he called again as he just reached home..i was already fast aslp when 'the fallen' kept ringing..we talked.i cried.he was trying so hard to be patient as i let all my emotions out..i told him how things had changed and how degrading i felt when he screams at the other end..he said that he dun wanna lose me..as much as i love him..yes,still no matter wat..i just can't do this..honestly i can't..

i swallowed my ego and let it all come in..let him break my defensive manner and decided mind and thought about how things will be after losing him..that is when i realise that i do need him..and the former was such a haste decision..the best,yet an impulsive manner..he promised not to shout anymore..and i begged him for the guy that i once knew..the one that's always been near perfect during our ite days..and during bmt..the one that i've always known and been comfortable with..not the monster that had emerged suddenly..nothing is of a happy ending..but yesterday i felt all the dampend feelings lift up as i close my eyes for a good sleep..

happy friday,love

.within.ur.f*cking.self.

so wat happened....?

happy 9 months..i can't be bothered anymore..yest i didnt make any effort in calling nor texting him..only him calling me and myself at the end of work..while i was downloading projects to be assigned to my colleagues he gave a call and told me that he's bored..his mum went out and he had to take care of his younger brother..and so i asked.."so what do u want me to do?" he said that he wants to go out..asked "with?" he said out with me..and so he said once his mum comes home,he'll go out and meet me..

remember me saying i can't be bothered in asking him out anymore and he should make the plans not me?well..since he did,i agreed to mit him..FUCK!!

he called again and told me that he can't go out the next day,in which he has session..so he'll substitute to go yesterday..i was like huh?thought u're gng out with me..fug yes,i gotta be understanding.but tell me,fucking tell me how am i to understand when this had happened too many of a time?it's like he was the one who asked me out.HIM.not me.HE was the one who wanted to mit me,to kill his boredom.and alas bail out on me?!WAT THE EFF!!i was so pissed off..always.ALL THE EFFING TIME this will happen..it's like im so happy that i get to mit him..and then he had to give a second call to inform that it's cancelled???for session...fug ej.FUCK.

he gave me multiple hang ups as the conversation hung in the air..i was still effing pissed off and god noes how much i wanted to punch something..and my heart in a knot full of rage..since 6plus yesterday evening..all the way till now,no calls nor texts from him..and for myself,i dun wanna be bothered anymore.

9 months my fucking ass.it's all the same.all over again.

btw sorry for the profanities,dear readers..happy thursday,all.

.if.it's.time.to.be.alone.or.rather.hanging.by.the.phone.

dids,ira,nysh



the days that we count..stars that we found..

after work yesterday met up with babes to break fast together..omfg!!i just miss them so!!nysh and ira..it's like a month since we mit up..the last was my surprise bday celebration and it's realli great to see them again..yes,i miss them..upon crossing,i saw ira..and i was already smiling to myself..threw her a hug as we walked ard thinking of places to chill..finally decided to just sit at ramen ten to wait for nysh..

it's under renovation and it was quite stuffy and the tables and chairs were too close..there wasn't any privacy..it's like the ppl at the other table can just hear us talking..nysh came..like finally..after choosing food,we ordered..lotsa talks and time flew us by as we saw the crowd thinning and our tummy bloated..bah!!so fat..had a fag and waited for the victoria secret's bag that i had ordered..popped by to see audrey and she gave us chanel samples..from mascara to facial products from chanel,balls..woots!!how cheap can we get??yea..hahah..

plan was to surprise tsue at her place..well,we did..but..the party's over.ha!!tsue was already washing the dishes and the mum was already aslp..hahahh!!!k..we were late..but she was surprised coz we told her we couldn't come..so wat else..we camwhored with her slr...hhahaha!!chilled and talked while nysh made many bloopers and airhead moments as we were all too shagged to let our brains work properly,of course except for ira who had bummed at home all these while.sheesh!!lucky ass!!

finally tsue's bro came home and so he sent all of us home..got home late..shagged..it was near 12midnight..but hey..HAPPY BIRTHDAY,TSUE BABY!!baby my ass...dah 21..dah tua!!!

i think i gotta stop gng home so late..since saturday i've been reaching home near midnight..next day i would be working..so which means i have yet to get my ultimate rest..sucky..im mentally,physically and emotionally drained out..sssooo tired..each morning i had to literally drag my arse to shower..

called ej last night as he waited for me to wash up..we talked and he told me something...i realli wonder,ej..will u blame me for asking u out?i have 10 days.we have 10 days..and i wanna make full use of each day that had been given to us..but i see us fighting at the end of the day..and when i ask when will i see u again?god noes that it might just be next week.hell,i wouldn't be surprised..by the rate we're gng,i think might as well u go back to bmt where we make it a point to anticipate each call and each mit ups every weekend.fug..u dunnoe how much this 10days means to me..and dun u blame me for asking to mit up..but u noe wat now?i dun bother..i dun want to bother asking u anymore..coz i noe i'll get the same reason.."everyday i go out..i need to be at home.." the last time i saw u was monday..that is not everyday..i'm not asking too much..i just need a day to spend with u again..so that i can make proper planning..work,family,frens.and if u're gng to prioritize who's important,then it's time to think about it thoroughly.ur frens..yes..fine.but dun u even think of blaming me for gng out everyfuggingday when i hardly see u anyways..and dun say things that u noe will nvr happen..coz im too pissed off with u..im too pissed off with u shouting every single nite at me when things are not fine..im still keeping my cool,ej..u're a step closer to crossing that line..dun take advantage of my silence..u can shout,and i'll talk to u patiently still..back then we'll have a shouting match..but eversince u told me that dun like it,i tried hard to please u...and now looks who's shouting..contradicting,isn't it?yea..i think we both have issues.

oh btw ej..2mrw we turn 9...happy 9 monthesary..
*rolls eyes*

happy wednesday to u all..