.wat's.your.worth.

one word.

.PMS-ING.

and i dun need false hopes.

and i'm done sugar coating your life,

when all effort is making u expect too much.

.beauty.

day 5...i feel empty..

today's the ccas..and so everyone's suppose to report work by 8.30am,when usually work starts at 9.30.i woke up with a very heavy head..dragged myself to the toilet and have my first fag for the day..only then did i feel fresh..i wonder how i'll be since fasting month's coming.sigh...and on the start of fasting month,it'll be the day that he comes home..and i hope he'll fetch me after work..or better to mit me after dawn so that we'll be able to hug each other..yes,im anal when it comes to fasting..coz we gotta respect the reason..

called his mum last night only to get tears from her..she's doing well,just that at times it's hard when u gotta face the challenges in life..and some ppl can be so crude with their remarks that i wish i could just throw stones till they die just like in the book, 'kite runner' and the sequel..just so that it justifies the shits they had given to his mum..she did scold me for not calling..she was like.."i told ej's dad..if ej nvr call home,didi won't call.."hhahaha..sorry..was too busy with work that when i get back home,all i do is to have time on my own..

i dunno wat else to write abt..after work gotta rush to ct hall for baybeats with babes..and hopefully kudos to them time will pass by so as i'll be in his arms soon..i wonder how he's doing..how are u,ej dear?i hope u're well and training's not that hard..i'm missing u here..too much,baby..and i wish to be in ur arms..and to get ur tender kisses..just to see u physically in front of me,to hold u dearly...baby,pls hurry back home..coz there's something's amiss in me...

happy friday,loves..

.to.each.his.own.

day 4...3 more days to go..

at this point of time,i need him badly..last night i was so shagged,all i think about is him..coz i needed him..it's like after a long day at work,all i needed was to hear his voice..make me better..though i noe i wont get that..but how i wish...

i was having dinner when mum sat at the chair next to me..she asked me again whether there's any job vacancies in my department..that question is for my cousin's wife,which had been bugging me for the past month.i said i dunno.and it requires computer skills.and mum said.."*sigh*..u keep on saying u havent check..dun u want to help her??" i swear i felt my vein bursting soon...i kept quiet and played with my food..i was so damn pissed..i just ignored her..she then nagged and i just turned a deaf ear..went to my room and i was already throwing things everywhere..more like venting my anger on the things that came my way..and there,i needed ej.

so this morning..getting ready for work...mum said.."didi..u kept wasting ur money on nonsense..(i dunnoe when's the last time i bought unneccessary things)look at maya..she's trying so hard to get a job..at least she's not a spend thrift like you." damnit..i feel like giving 2 cents of my mind,balls..and i noe that will create a huge squabble..so i kissed her hand and cheek and went out of the house without saying a word.in the bus,i tried to shut her words from playing in my head..but it was hard..it hurt real bad..for the whole 21 years of life mum nvr compared me to any other..and now??why?wat did i do wrong here??

it's not my fault that her whole life she's been working f&b line and she only have 'n' levels..it's not my fault that she doesn't noe how to use the computer..it's not my fault that she don't take her own initiative by finding jobs for herself,instead depend on MY mum to choose and help her..it's not my fault that she's not outspoken enough during interviews..it's not my fault that she has a kid and my cousin cant afford that much..it's not my fault my aunt who's her mum-in-law's mean to her eventhough ppl had advised her not to be so crude..so where does it stand that i owe her that much to make my life miserable and relationship with mum strained?!

sure mum gets the attention from her coz she doesnt work and her kids are busy working,trying to get a decent living..and happily my cousin's wife would call every morning..coz she has no job,obviously she has the time in the world...but mum,it doesnt mean we have no time for u at all..i'm sorry that i've not been spending time..i noe ur intention's clear that u just wanna help her..but mum,dun u think she's taking advantage of u??u cant depend on me to get a job for her..it's not that i dun wanna help..i just find it weird to work with a relative..and i cant afford to lie to u,mum..that's y i didnt lie to say there's no vacancies..all i find myself doing is shutting self up.coz my department needs manpower..but i dun wanna tell u a lie..coz i noe i suck at it and will feel so guilty..mum,i just need u to noe that she's depending too much on u..and i noe u feel special coz somehow she looks up to u..but dun let the relationship with me drift away,just coz of a person..for someone,who may be just a stranger if she's not married to my cousin...

i noe maya meant well and i noe she's in need of jobs..i noe she has a gd heart and she's a good person..but mum,dun compare me with her..coz she's depending on u..coz she wants u to go to the extra mile for her own benefit..and when she finally work,do u think she'll call u still every morning??i doubt it..nevertheless,im sorry mum..i love u always and nothing can break that..but i wish that u could see regardless tired or happy,ur daughter is still standing next to u...and i just wish im still perfect and the best in ur eyes..

happy thursday,all...

.and.make.it.thru.the.dark.

day 3..

i was so shagged yesterday..work was tiring and manager gave me a proposal..and i took it.i noe it's a risk,but hey..i'll be getting more pay..i noe my family wont be too happy about it,since they wld want me to change jobs due to the reason of getting more exposure and bro wld definitely kill me if he noes that im still working at this insurance company..coz he was like.."give ur resume to big companies like expo..if u wanna study,work hard for it.get exposure,get high pay,then come look for me..then i'll pay for ur studies..."and now wat have i done??well finally my pay will justify the huge load i do every single day...morale will increase..but experience??i seriously have no idea wat am i to do with my life...sigh...

after work last nite,liza called..she asked whether i wanna mit up coz she's done with work..so we took the bus to my place and got ourselves sweet talk and cake..we're both pms-ing..she's been snacking,and i've been snacking..regardless the tummy screaming "I'M FULL!!!" we still pop nonsense into our mouth..pipi came with ally and decided to chill at mcdees..we talked and advised liz..and i couldnt do much as i understand her situation as i've been in that position again and again..so while i was stoning away as my brain was past dead,the radio played 'what about now' by daughtry..my eyes filled with fresh tears as that was the song me and ej used to listen and dedicate each time..i was realli missing him..and i dun want my strength to fail me..so i tried to shut the song and lyrics from invading my mind...which was obviously hard..

day 3's here..and i'm okay..rather than 7 more days,it's now 4 more days..how time flies us by...yet it's still far within my reach..i really miss him..too much that i ache..each night i watch his video of him playing the guitar..somehow i wish it's realli him physically playing the guitar in front me..but i noe that's hard to come by..just gotta wait...

thanks tsue for making plans for friday and saturday..baybeats,gfs,donuts and drinks..sunday off to get my ethnic customer with mum. -.- then after,in his arms again............ :)

i could only smile in anticipation..

happy wednesday,dudes.

.devoutly.wish.

day one's over...and i was okay... :)

darf and i kept ourselves busy by texting each other since our bfs wont be calling for 7 days..day 1's over..i think i managed well thruout,thou i was missing him bad from time to time..but i did overtime and went home and watched tv till 11plus..then only did i go to bed.and putting the little one to sleep kept me busy as i stopped checking my fone,although i knew i wont get any calls from him..day 2's here,i think i'll survive again..well,hopefully..

on friday would be the 'ccas' award..and the judges will be walking ard the department..and we are to wear blazers and shitzits like it.sheesh!!!no more casual clothings for me then..so anw,in the morning,the project manager and manager were at my team...and waddya noe..my manager was wiping the desk,mirrors..all the stuffs that needs wiping.he came to my table.."siti..clear ur stuff..no papers on the desk,nothing.just 5 items only."and i asked..then where am i suppose to shove these papers?!?!? he looked at me,with a cheeky smile,he said.."well,that is up to u..." and i said.."..and my body."
-_____- yea..shove it up my ass?!?baton??hahahaha...and then he wiped my table.hahahha...then one of the teamleaders came up to him.."it's okay..they'll wipe their individual tables.." he said.."it's okay..bfore marriage my mother teach me to wipe things.." hahah!!and i found that he missed a spot on my desk..i said..."u sure ur mother taught u properly or not?got stuff still on my table..!!" he said.."then ur mother nvr teach u,ar!!" ccccccbbbbbbb....so he said that part of his salary goes to cleaning..yea..part-time cleaner..
coz when we were having lunch,he was there and i stubbed my fag on the ledge..he said.."eh..go and throw in the bin,la..later poor thing,noe all the cleaner!!go pick it up!!" and i said.."wah..this part time cleaner very 'on' about his job,sei.." hah!!so i told him that working here makes ppl's mind corrupted..he said.."ya,la..bf in ns...weekends see him,obviously u'll get corrupted,not just work,wat!!" wah...i tell u.i almost gave him the middle finger,balls..bbbiiitttcccchhhh...it's great having him as our manager..he,who gives inside jokes when briefing the whole section..pretend to be serious...when smoking at loading bay..sheesh!!!serious my ass..

back to work now...my ghumbra!!! i miss you ssssooo much!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

and listening to caliban every morning makes my day great..try it.. :D

happy tuesday,gays.

.charlie.warrior.

i miss this boy...

after so much of being a brat,he called on friday evening.."baby!!i book out already!!!" i was in full joy and i stopped being sucha bitch.yea i noe..im way too spoilt..i noe imma brat.but with him,i am however *slides the word* spoilt.so i headed home and changed..he fetched me at my void deck,yes,in a cab coz he dun wanna be late since it was past 9pm already and off we went to the bus stop to int.we had dinner at pastamania as all the dining places are closed,except for mcdess which he didnt feel like having that..and yes,we ordered too much.with starters,main course and desserts.trust me..we were beyond famished..the last meal i had was at 12.30 which was my lunch and him,he didnt have much..after the main course,i couldnt finish my dessert..it was orgasmic,i tell u..the choc just melts in ur mouth and dark choc(my fav) just engulf your whole mouth..i was already moaning after the first bite.we asked for feedback form(wat's new when it's us dining at places)and we decided to compliment "Agus" who had carried the tray for us and had pulled my chair for me and placing everything in order.that was the first ever kinda service that i got after that more than 15times to pastamania..we cabbed to the destination which was fucking filled with baby roaches.freaking hell!!!!change of place and blissfully i slept with my head on his chest,the place that i favour the most..and i woke up the next day with him spoon-hugging me ever so tightly..and i love how his legs will be placed on my hips..

.saturday.
we cabbed back to tamp int and after much considering,decided to go off and have lunch at home..i slept and ignored his calls..and after calling ten thousand times,i woke up.i was late!!rushed to shower and got ready and went back out again..to yishun to send him off to camp.we were early and decided to walk ard lot 1.stopped by couple lab and saw rings that "ouuuhhh...i love it.."after much thinking of places to eat(i came outta the house with an empty tummy)we decided to get bread and sweet talk and sat outside the mall...alif,his platoon mate saw us,joined and we were laughing our asses off..sufi and darf arrived,after much poking ej's sides and his gibberish language,we went off to the bus stop.after sending him,darf and me walked ard lot 1..

got home and he called!!i missed him so much!!but then again,imma see him again the next day after his run at marina bay!!

.sunday.
he called and i was upset..it's so late!!and he gotta book in by 7pm.nevertheless,he fetched me at my void deck straightaway(i was late again) and we went off deciding places to have our lunch.him with his swensens,cafe cartel,yadayada...ghumbra,no!! i didnt want him to spend so much on me..hence i forced him to lunch at food culture.we went western and after took 969 to his place..bfore all that we were looking for places that sells umbrella..and i was already upset that the prices are ridiculous!anw i was entertaining myself in the bus as we had to stand..he almost fell,falling aslp while standing..i was humming,resting my head on his shoulder looking out the window..my humming of the guitar to the song by pantera woke him up..he giggled and laughed coz i sounded silly..haha..was bored and sleepy,okay..and i kept telling him."kiss me.." *kisses lips* "kiss me.." *kisses cheeks* "chirstmas..." *kisses..HUH!?!*hahahahahahahha.....expression was priceless.

went to northpoint to get my umbrella..coz i was being a brat..see??it's becoz of him,la!!!and we reached john little.ridiculous price again.he grabbed it and said.."the one who reaches first will decide" so we ran past allt he lingerie on display and all,which obviously he reached the counter first and paid.$13 for umbrella.ridiculous!reached his place,his family was at orchard..got to noe they locked the gate and he didnt have the keys..fffuuuggg..he was worried that he'll be late..called him parents,he pooped at his neighbour's house after much force by me and waited for his cousin..we tried different techniques..him that is..while myself sitting at the chair outside..did my make-up.ha!!andokay..i tried too..but nothing worked..the pins and all had been dented..finally past 5.30 his cousin came.he gotta be in camp by 7,balls!!fucking late,la!!i was upset..i was already brooding about the limited time..

he rushed to change,within 20mins we were out again..cabbed to old lim chu kang road as i sulked at the corner..fucking hell,dids!he coaxed and parted my defensive manner as my fingers intertwined with his..hugged him gdbye as we reacehd the gate and i continued the ride to cck int..fell aslp in the train and bought myself chestnuts..just to make myself better..called pipi as she met me at the void deck with hersheys cookies and cream in hand..thanks,love..we chat and went back home for army daze and so,he called...

day one of fieldcamp had started...let's count down to the day that he books out..and of course...pop in 2 weeks time...:)

i love you,my precious..and i'll always miss you...

happy monday,daisies..

.demise.

freedom,purity and sincerity.
of arms of angel,
you engulfed me.
of wings that protect
and gave security.
of trust,faith and believe.
the heart thumps,
beats for your return.
of joy and anticipation.
suddenly everything came to a halt,
as it all came crashing down.
my heart beats silent beats,
and my words became a silent scream.
unheard to many,
of my yearns and needs.
the faith that's ebbing,
i am left limp and empty.
numb to all words,
whether pierced or gratifying.
there's no more belief,
there's no longer faith.
as trust had fade away,
of words that he gave.
strength had betrayed,
as it had all failed me.
my hopes and joy became my lamentation,
as soon it had all disappeared,
and left was a written eulogy.