.death.of.an.angel.

.or.rather.a.hanging.phone.

2009-08-04T20:37:00.002+08:00

i miss ur eyes...

i envy all those blogs i went to..those dotted pinks,the flowing words and the layout and utmost attention to the place where they care for,the place their mind plays a twisted game and the mind speaks of hate.those emotions of growing love and the contentment each time they meet with their frens..and those times they need to make a point they gotta write it down..and i was one of them.but now,this blog seems sucha waste and it's been left unattended.prolly just once per month that i'll update,or not i'll be busy visting other blogs but my own.

that everyday blogging and everyday "i can't wait to write it all down" or that "fuck who cares this is MY blog,MY page" kinda shiet is like ssoo over.i dunno why..i miss this,but each time i go to this page of mine,my itchy fingers will then turn to facebook,or messenger.or prolly will be on the fone and just close this window.yes,i've abandoned this.prolly i've grown old for this(oh i've turned 22 last month) or maybe i'm just pure lazy.yea..guess that's it.

words use to rush thru my head like an escardille of thoughts..like a train with gushing chains churning and choo-chooing awaiting to be typed out.my fingers used to express and my heart feels at its best.but now...died?i dunno..i miss that though..

that poetry making,that lashing,those profanities and of course about love...about the things we did,about the places we went...and about my dear frens whom i miss..i do not noe why i've lost all of these...all those profanities even(in this blog.in real life im still the same-.-)or about him which when i read past entries i'll find myself smile silly..i miss eyes being glazed,stuck on the screen,reading about me and him...now,im only reading about other couple,other ppl's life,but my own.like how u can pause to reminisce,blogging sure is an easier way to do it...but i guess there's only a thing or two that stopped me from writing it all down...that rocky time with him..wouldnt wanna read it again...but i dun wanna delete it.oh wells...

if u miss me,i can tell u for sure,i miss this.so be good,i doubt i'll post something again..anytime soon that is..but i guess for now let my mind type it down..coz it had been bugging me for quite a while,of why am i neglecting my blog.

till then,bitches.

2009-08-02T19:13:00.001+08:00

.bless.me.god.

2009-07-30T12:37:00.002+08:00

a whole long while...i noe..

it seems as though i've went on hiatus..nah..just lazy to blog..so how've u been?hope all's well...

i am sick.doctor had said i've got influenza-like-symptoms..only god noes how hard my heart was beating..and so she scared me more by saying that usually ppl who has fever or flu well,of high temperature like mine yesterday had gotten h1n1.and today,my body ached like fuck and my throat hurts..i've gotten another sickness which is runny nose and my eyes are watering due to staring at this laptop.

fuck this sickness.i've got 1 week mc following the insuructions from MOH and i dread gng back to work coz obviously there's a pile of work waiting for me.gah!!!i am so weak i can't walk,even typing this needs my utmost strength.yet i wanna try hard to lead my normal life.i need my strength and my health back..

my eyes are stinging,my body aching,my nose swelling,my throat is reddening.i've been shitting half of the day just now,my body's telling me to take my medications but i gotta eat first.and i have no appetite for that.seriously,i hate this.i hate being sick.

i wish i can cuddle next to u and hold me close..soothe me everything will be better and kiss my warm eyes with ur cooling lips..i wish he's here next to me..coz i think that's wat made me better...though the time was late,though he had to carry a lot of things,his guitar,his camp bag and all,he made his way to my place yesterday..though it was just about 45mins spent,it really made me better....thank you...so now,can i have it again?^.^

i.am.sick.

.bbrrraaattttttyyyy!!!!!.

2009-06-01T16:12:00.005+08:00

it's been pretty much a whole long while..

hello,there..i've been very lazy to blog or even go back to this page of mine..don't know why,but i just dun seem like it's no longer a need for me to give out my utmost emotions out here..though a lot of things had happened,good or bad,i dun find a need to vent it here anymore..well,that's good i suppose..

anyways,it had been a ride..ups and downs and a whole lotta surprise..it had been a good while,though..a good while..though i posted that it is over,well i couldnt let my mind take over my heart..even when it hurts and even when things happen,just gotta go thru it..it's already a year n 6 months with him..i noe i still and will love him...as always...and i wouldnt want that to be over..not now,not anytime soon...don't even wish of letting his hand go..

chances can be given a lot of times..but when being given too much of a time,then i decide when to stop.for now,i'm embracing his love and attention..we've come this far..and all these while i noe wat i want,wat i need..and now,im gonna keep on trying...

in principles of life i've made myself and that i heed....my own belief of "believe,faith & trust"...coz one day,when we lose something,it'll feel as though we've lost the most precious thing that we've fight for...and that day,i hope will nvr happen...no more drama...just me and u..just us two...

maybe i'll come back again...or not,just go to facebook...that is for more pictures..
till then,be good boys and girls..
*mwah

.the.sweetest.dreams.will.never.do.

2009-05-19T21:22:00.004+08:00

hey there..it's been a very long time..ironically i don't miss this,eventhough i do love blogging..but hell.

so how's u?hope all had been fine..

when things change, it's either we adapt,or we run away from it,hence move on.

for me,i chose the latter..when things change,things that is not of your favour and it kept on being on repeat mode, there's no way acceptance should be part of it. a whole lotta things had been happening,but knowing self,i shall not write it all down here..

plainly guys are just jerks.well,agreed by many,for once or even several times,i will nod vigorously to that. and pretty ironic how it is being said and agreed by a good fren of mine,who happens to be a guy himself.hhmm..

after 13 months had passed,things had changed tremendously.maybe not things,but just him.though a whole lotta chances had been given,faith had ebbed long ago..trust?naah..none. doesn't really help the whole situation,what more when things were at the worst whereby i expect a good thing to happen,waddayanoe,he chose to be on repeat mode.repetition of everything of changes which happened after 16 months now of being together.to be honest,im pretty much numb.

"you can give a lot of chances..but when u're done giving YOURSELF chances,you know it's time to let go.."~rai

"when you feel very numb,you know that you're done.though it'll be very hard to move on,it'll be easier knowing you can't be getting hurt all the time.."~uncle

and now,it's time for me to let go..and now,he can enjoy all his time with his friends that had always been there for him..coz i can't tolerate anymore lies..

to all those who reads my blog or chance upon this post,if ever u have ur other half,acknowledge the fact that he/she will or had always been there for you.emotional support,physical being,love-making and reaching out all the time...cherish that.appreciate that.or just plainly,acknowldege that.

"being in a relationship means u're willing yourself to love,give love,being loved.and also,you're willingly giving yourself to hurt and pain.but,there's always limits."~self

love,dids.

.there's.nothing.left.to.say.

2009-04-24T23:57:00.002+08:00

it's been a while,baby..

more than 50 texts above yours as my days and nights were filled with my loved ones checking up on me and us texting random and personal things..more than 50 texts cover that 'good night' and ur 'i love yous'..more than 50 texts that are new which makes me forget to read or re-read the things that you said..

a call was received on thursday morning as u mumbled and myself having breakfast..i built a wall as fast as i answered ur call..take away all the pain,take away all the lies..just take it all away just so i could embrace that comforting voice of yours..i fought hard the lashing i wanted to give which i succeed as the conversation was all too careful..as u wanted to answer,i heard the click of the fone.

working night will be cancelled soon..which is good news as im too exhausted of going out of the house twice each day..so starting from either 4th may or 11 may i'll start 1pm-10pm instead..middle of the night,too weird,but i think it's better...

thank you tsue for the singapore flyer ride..thou at the start it was scary as our imaginations ran wild,it was pretty much a smooth and BORING ride..i think it's too long..to be honest wat i see is the same view i get from my office.being on the 42nd floor i can see practically the whole of city hall and raffles place.however,it is way more fun being stuck in that capsule with my silly gf,scared shitless and loving each of the molecules in her..

thank you tsue,ira and nysh for that 'finally!!' plan as we all look pretty in our dresses/tops and hit town like we own it.the lepak-nak-mampos laughters and 2mins of breeks and of coz the updates..thank you for letting me shop and helping me out..i love you dolls oh so very much..and of course..that sleepy place..the 10bucks wedges and that tequila filled drink at the bottom.urgh!

at the end of that saturday we were cranky and the weather was damn humid..we tried hard to smile but each of us were annoying the shits outta each other as we found ourselves go silly..as they say 'if u can't beat them,join them'. tsue's mum and bro fetched us as finally i got back home at 2am."goal!!!!" damn.shut up.

ej just msned with me..while i was typing this post..still in taiwan,still cold there(how lucky) and still we are careful with our words..do u noe the feeling of being relieved,yet everything's not right still?that's how im feeling rite now...so i dun really have the mood to write any further..

till then..
tra~~

.4.days.since.you.called.

2009-04-19T02:37:00.002+08:00

18 april 09.all sweaty coz the weather's so humid.

hello..i think by now,i'd publicize my blog already..so how're u?hope things are well..

rite now i feel like a hard stone,unable to feel anything and not wanting to feel anything..numbed myself and made sure no emotions could pass thru me..i've yet to crumble,i've yet to break down.but i noe,deep inside me,it had happened..it long died.and it had weeped and tasted sorrow..yet it didnt surface for me to feel...yet.or probably never..

i write and talk with rhymes and games..with poetic expressions with eyes glazed.i sat and i wondered,wat the hell did i do?as a call was made and my heart broke into two.she consoled,she made me better.yet i was raging,the body shaking.tears welled up,yet i wiped fast.after all that, tears no longer came to my eyes. another call as i told him i knew. all i hear was deafening silence,as finally the click of the end of call.i sighed and i stared.there's nothing to do.till today,i wish the fone ringing,is from you.

i wished i didnt see,i wished i didnt acknowledge.yet the truth was there,the lies u said.the trip to the airport,the trip to ur place.u lied.again and again.as u sent me off,we talked about yesterdays.we felt our heart,as one at its best.yet when i went to my office,wat did u do?you called and was ready.off to carry on the lies that u said.i believed you,and i trusted you.no longer disappointment,but just 'wat do i do?'

days filled with talks to my babes and lad..days filled with work..u lied and u lied.for ur own selfish reasons.in a sudden u changed,as all ur environment did.u became someone i dun even noe and u went to places i wished u didn't go.yet i told u,yes i'll be fine.and u went.u betrayed my trust.of coz now u noe i wont be happy if u inform me u're going again,with the same people again.hence selfishness took place and u went ahead anyway.but if u noe it's gonna jeapordize the relationship and it'd make me unhappy,why bother at the first place?

taking things for granted.

all the sacrifices we made,all the things we went thru.all wasted to just make it into a memory.a memory probably i wouldnt want to reminisce as it will kill me like a stab with a butter knife.slowly piercing thru,to make sure that,i will be dead.

there's no reason for u to call,there's nothing for us to talk about.i noe the truth,and u had no balls to admit or even say sorry.all i hear was the click of the fone,coz u hung up.and there is all there is to it.it says of how much u love me,or even how much true that is.we fight on all fours for us,we sacrificed for the best of future,yet now life's in ruins and there's nobody else for us to blame but ourselves.coz i believed u and i gave in.and u took that for granted and u lied to me still.

i still do not know whether i should pack my bags and leave.coz i noe im still not that strong to carry on.yet,i noe that i can never trust him again.never had it crossed my mind of how capable he is to do all this,but surprises happenes..to think i sacrificed my sleep to go online to search for the best hotel to throw his surprise party and calculating the amount i'll be left to stay alive for the month..wasted.never ending faith.yet it had ebbed in me.

one day i will make the decision..solely mine.and i hope there's no turning back on wat i've decided.regardless leaving or staying.it's mine.my life..tell me im dumb,well i feel very much dumb to give him another chance.but it's hard when he's always been part of my life.think.

2 days since i ate.the last i had was the 5 spoonfuls of mee goreng with tsue and nora.other than that,water and fags.hence the picture of how skinny my arms became and how all this shit had exhausted and puncture my youth and grace.

happy monday,babes.

.carry.on.carry.on.as.one.

2009-04-16T05:31:00.002+08:00

my happy and healthy times.

.10.april.2009.

2009-04-10T04:00:00.003+08:00

Happy Double 2 Birthday!!

i got out from the cab as before that i rushed and started to pack everything in my bag..i got ready within 30mins,which was the fastest speed i could go..and i waited,and waited for that lone cab to drive me to the airport.as expected,since nearing midnight all went into hiding just so they could charge us more..hell,money wasn't an issue in my head...all i noe was that i just gotta see him.

i woke up with a start,thinking it was 9pm still...only did i realise it was past 11pm..i knew he gotta be there by 2359hours..checked my cell,loads of texts and missed calls.only 1 text and 1 miss call from his dad's cell.i called.his mum talked to me,cajoled me and interrogated me with 'wat's wrong'.i felt too much hurtings from the morning and it was then i started contemplating.

of which is better?the heart that feels or mind that speaks?the one empowering the other is the only answer to wat we do in life..out of will and knowledge that we're doing the right thing.hence,i saw myself getting ready.the mind speaks or regret and pure hate if i were not to see him.he called.

"u dun have to come down.im gng in already."i felt pretty dazed.but i noe watever it is,imma still be there.so lady luck was on my side as a call was received and his flight will be past 3am..hence,i went out of the house.

the cab zoomed and sped away as we almost hit the 'flying' cab next to the us.it seems dramatic,all the last minute plan to send him off,with danger ahead of any possible collission..it's so cliche but this is reality,baby..it all really happened.

his parents greeted me with a smile.a hug was thrown and i find myself gulping down the string of words..the parents went off as they were gng to malacca at that hour.we head to the smoking area as he intertwined his fingers with mine.i felt different.i pulled back and held back.

a whisper of "happy birthday" as it was 3mins past 12am..downcast look and gazed on the floor..pulled,hugged and i complied..we rested on each other's shoulders,our bodies against each other and the rise and fall of our chest became one.he snuggled in my hair as i felt his breathings on my neck..

he didnt wanna lose me..i didnt wanna lose him either..but wat can i do when u hurt me too much?i gave in.i foresee myself being lonely and a need to have a dose of him every single day.i knew i cant just leave and walk away.too much pain,yet i came back for more of it everytime.too weak to carry on alone,too weak to walk by myself,too weak to console my own emotions when thing are wrong.i need him.i need to have him.i gave in.

we had more than an hour to kill as he needs to be in the gate by 2.30am.planned to go off by 1.45am..from starbucks to coffee beans..as i ditched my plan of getting him the bday cake bfore sending him off due to the quarrel we had,settled at coffee beans and got the single raspberry cheesecake.and a candle which i brought along from home..a quiet birthday,i'd say..we talked..he responded.our fingers intertwined again and the ring was placed on my finger again...

we kissed,we hugged.a kiss to my forehead,as he walked to the gate,off to taiwan..i waited and waved till i cant see the back of him and went a level down.i sat.i thought.he called.we talked abt things that i want him to do..his own safety..his well-being being taken care of..to make sure he calls...texts given to lads and babes and a text for him..finally,i made my way back home.

*this post was suppose to be done by 10 april..it was drafted instead coz too many things happened.

so hope it was a happy 10april for all of u..
xoxo

.on.9.april.2009.

2009-04-09T13:21:00.002+08:00

it's still burning hard for you...

i got myself a notebook.my finger's feeling empty.i don't feel very good right now.

i don't even feel like blogging.

but somehow i noe i should update shits here so that whenever i go back to my past entries,i can at least smile..for now,that's kinda hard..fresh flows free.

he's gng off to taiwan tonight..his bday's 2mrw...
well,happy birthday..

i really don't feel like blogging.i only have singular words,not even a sentence being formed in my head.of course of how i'm feeling..let's just trust memories will rush through when i read this post and not go into details..that would be making things too much surreal,isnt it..?

i wish u'd come back online again.

love.

.oh.holy.

2009-04-01T03:38:00.002+08:00

make it all a story...

okay,so i've privatised my blog for the moment..just coz i realised making it public seems to attract unnecessary comments by ppl whom i don't know and i don't even need to read their say.hence prolly next week or so i'll publicise this again,and well..life goes on,isnt it.*wags it

watever it is,it doesn't give any impact to me.like a stone,u dig?

ej and i are back together..not really,but it's where the whole 'trust' process takes place all over again..he had been a sweetheart the whole week though..trying hard and all,though a whole lot of screw ups,but it's fine..we made plans for the weekends and all..and it'll be my first!!anticipating,yet i feel like a nervous wreck thinking abt it..but one day i gotta try to experience it,isnt it..just don't really wanna look like a fool..bah!

so he fetched me from home just now,since he had his nite's out/off(have no idea)and surprised me when he really did say he's otw and i gotta start getting ready..it didn't start off good,but in the end,our arms are enveloping and all that jazz.it's like a week plus since i last met him...the burning desire to hold him was flaming..

there's always something to bring the situation down when things are fine and dandy..he'll be off for taiwan on his bday,10 april..and not only that,he'll be off for 3 freakin weeks.fact that he was in brunei last month for 2 weeks on freaking valentine's day,now is this.but everything's planned..so i think it'll all be fine..hopefully..*cross fingers*

i just cant wait for saturday,really.

thanks loves for being there...i love each and every of u and u noe who u are..all the shits,the new or old ones, for lend ur listening ears,thank you..*mwah

and to all,i really,really miss you babes and dudes..

im not done with work.
yes,forever i'll be complaining. =)

.just.trying.to.find.my.way.

2009-03-30T01:47:00.005+08:00

back home..

he finally called on thursday,which in the end i didnt go to work coz he had called quite late and i didnt get any wink of sleep..problems,problems..it's never ending yet when the person u seek solace so much finally appeared,everything is okay once again..yet when u think about it,he was the reason the need of solace happened.

i didnt wanna make any decision..neither haste nor thoughtful one..coz i noe it will nvr be the one that i want one day..amidst of talking my heart and feelings split into two..of missing and of hate..wouldnt lie to say that..he had hurt me so much..i hate him for explaining coz it makes everything surreal..i hate him for telling me he loves me still..though i love him too..and i wish that everything didnt happen...to tarnish any happy endings that may be there for us..but rite now there's nothing else for me to trust.

hence wat i thought that's the best was that i should just let him prove me wrong..that he's the worthy one and that one fine day i can trust him.which he agreed...he'll fight for us..for me?i just let fate take over and decide when i've finally see his point.

never have i been in this situation...giving chances just becoz ur heart says so..while the mind is telling me..take precautions..i took the risk..too much that we've gone through..i cant just leave and walk away...i love him..i still love him..

although everything was resolved,the baggage was too heavy for us to carry..the wound is still fresh,slit opened and still bleeding..we missed each other..we talked..we joked..we laughed...we smiled..end of conversation,im still hurting inside..everything is too fresh and too abrupt to start anew..or to continue the good times,from where we left it..but it's too abrupt for us to do that..and in the end i see us hurting...i see us hating...haste decision..complied and argued..

silence all over again.

due to insubordination he couldnt book out..the only time i can meet him is next weekend..but i dun even feel like seeing him,to be honest..i would wanna hug him,put my arms around him,and him around mine..but it's all still too raw..

im left with 0 fags eversince 2pm just now..rite now it's 2.03am..and a need of that rite now..i slept throughout the day,ira would've known,after sleeping on her while on the fone..rite now im fully awake,bro woke up,(he's back from qatar,yes)and asked if i want any mcdees..asked for filet burger,didnt eat except for breakfast..and rite now,waiting for him,typing away and contemplating to go down to 711 later to get my fags..the fact that it's gonna be damn dark outside and quiet,it gives me the creeps..but the thought of being outside is welcoming..oh yes,bro's back..looked in the mcdees plastic bag,he bought meal for me..and no other burgers/meals for him...i guess im not the only one rite now who needs a breather...

dead and gone....

.it.all.became.my.silent.scream.

2009-03-26T01:30:00.003+08:00

good times..

breathe....

i miss him. i miss hearing his voice and i miss his laughter. i miss imagining his smile when he's talking over the phone. i miss his arms of grace and i miss his protection. i miss him and there's nothing else that i'm thinking of than a heart feeling amiss.

we have yet to talk properly and resolve things..each time i call, his cell will be switched off..there's no way that i can get thru him..i would rather have this done and over with..not the 'deciding' part,but to just get the truth and to hear any explanations that he may give.. i just need him to come clear..and maybe one day, we'll create closure.

each time i think of him,a part of my heart starts to weep.disappointment. there's no longer rage or am i raving mad..actually for that whole prolly 20mins after knowng abt the picture,i was pissed. but after,i realised that yes,i was disappointed in him.. gng thru so much,of holding on,sacrificing for just one thing that makes life going...love.pretty cliche,but that's how i've always been feeling.

i still love him,no doubt about that.weird,isn't it..he had hurt me so much till my heart literally bleeds yet i would wanna love him still..maybe he don't deserve to be part of me anymore,but as much as i don't want him,that's how much i want him.he made me believe his words,he lied thru his teeth and he betrayed my trust,wasn't loyal.i've always thought the best of him..regardless fights,squabbles and any arguments,i'll crawl back to him..again and again...

but this is all too much..he had hurt me deeply..getting my back pierced soon,yet i get my heart pierced instead.nobody can ever believe he would do sucha thing..as one said.."i am loss for words"..nobody.he had always been the best picture framed..and when this happens,tainted.

i cant give him another chance..maybe i can..but i wanna noe his story..i dunno y he switched off his cell since yesterday..but it seems he's avoiding me..not wanting to have the 'talk' maybe..but without that,how do we resolve things?as said..my mind is so calm rite now..if he wants me back..he gotta earn it...if he really loves me and is committed in this relationship..he gotta show it..he gotta be how he is,being the reason i fell for him..if i were to give in again,baggage.how do u trust someone who had did that at the first place?i still love him.but this is all too much..

i miss him and i wish to hear his voice soon..eventhough one day he'll see the back of me,i would rather him explaining to me first before i walk away..maybe for good...or maybe to be with him again one day...once he did wat he could do to show that he is the one i should be with..always..

thanks to my babes,seriously for being there..tsue,rai,ira,nysh,lulu and uncle..the listening ears..all the advice and all the bitchings and being mad (for me)...u guys are the greatest..thanks for understanding how i feel and withstanding my complaints and thoughts..thank you..specially to ira,who paged me all the way in facebook eversince it happened..

so it's confirmed im doing the star piercing on my back.next saturday?or next month's pay..surface piercing is expensive and it depends on ur skin of how long it'll last.but it's worth it.satisfaction to own's contentment.

and i need a drink(s).heinekin,margarita,baileys,martini or vodka?babes meet up soon.and uncle,let's go!!

again,i miss you.

.lie.to.my.face.

2009-03-25T02:02:00.003+08:00

a woman's instinct's usually correct.

i finished work early and went outta office by 7.15am..took the train which was packed and i knew that i don't wanna be home early..coz that's when it'll all hit me and i'll think about it all..alighted at bugis,took 12 home..

i stare into nothingness and everything came slowly to my mind..i stopped myself from crying..in fact nothing came to my eyes..it wasnt tired,neither teary..i was just..felt like a stone.i reminisced,thinking of all the things that we've done..the sacrifices we made..how we suffered..and now it's all left to waste..

once i reached home after that hour long journey,i tried calling.line was cut off,note to self to pay once midnight strikes.i went to my room,feeling so dazed..i sat on my bed..that was when i let myself cry..

violently my body shook and hot tears streamed my face..i rocked myself as my lungs tighten to the multiple chokes and i lost it all.lost myself as i felt that the person crying is not me..scared myself,actually..coz it was all so horribly cried,somewhat.crying for a loss.yet..it shouldn't have been this way..

a good 20mins of crying(not that i timed myself,just that i think it's that long)as i knew i had no control over it at all anymore...i tried counting 1-10..i was still shaking badly and wailing..i felt possessed.but i noe it's just emotions overcoming my sanity.i finally knew wat's the best remedy...of prayers..as i rocked my body and selawat...after wat it seems like a very long time since i did that..i called God for help..i repeated the prayer i knew best...and it all soothed me..finally i stopped.and trust me,i've nvr felt so calm..

rite now i'm still clueless of wat to do..and i think time will tell..one fine day..hopefully..and then..i'll be okay..

coz u've hurt me too much..

.your.lies.and.deceit.

2009-03-24T01:45:00.003+08:00

drunken stupor?

in between our meet ups u'll get a text..from a fren that we both noe..a girl..had an arugment abt it,thinking what she wants and everything else..trusting the fact that she's just a fren that we both knew and nothing else.yesterday,sunday..in the midst of the movie u received a text from her.hastily u kept ur cell back in ur pocket.asked wat she wants.u said dunnoe..u cant reply coz my fault of not paying the bill yet.i sat at the corner feeling so detached from u..i finally gave in as we intertwined our fingers again...

today somehow my heart says..check out her profile..waddayanoe,she had just uploaded a new album..st james the other time that he went..where he said an event to be out with his bunkmates..trusted.note,i hate bfs gng to club.im just insecure that way.situation cocked up as u called that day saying he's only with his cq and our frens..the boys and some girls i noe..i think.isn't it supposed to be your boy's day out with ur ns frens?now where are they?and how come the rest are all there?argued,quarrelled but things resolved.note,this was prolly a month ago.

the album consists of my best fren's sister.individually i see them both,as i love the best fren very much.hearing stories from her about the sister,i thought nothing less..coz i noe her,and consider her as a fren.

suddenly i see u in one of the picture..hhhmm...how come u're part of it?the same shirt u wore gng to st james before sending me off to work..though 2 jugs of prolly beer/vodka orange was covering ur right profile,i knew that shirt.
hell...wat's there to think about...i skipped and went back to my profile and did my stuffs..

again i went back coz it seemed suddenly weird..i scrutinize the picture again as i saw wat i dread the most..it was a shocking sight as i've always thought the best of u..and trusting u to st james..it was maybe the worst thing i could ever do..my body shook violently against the cold..not from the aircon nor fan that's in front of me...but from a cold blow smacked right in my face.my heart thumps madly...i looked and looked again.that kiss.

maybe u were intoxicated..out of a drunken stupor..maybe my eyes played a trick on me.but right there,the evidence's so clear right in front of me..i cant believe wat u did...i just cant believe it..

i gave a benefit of a doubt,thinking the picture deceived me.i called.u swore to god nothing happened..u denied everything.yet,when i was talking to u,the picture's rite in front of me.

words may lie.hearing things may be a gossip.but pictures?they are the sole evidence of everything.

im still shaking and am choking on own's tears..i cant cry..not when im at work...already mistakes i kept doing..simply cant concentrate seeing wat had happened..blurring my vision with the water welling up wouldn't help at all...im simply disappointed in u..the last person i could ever think of to be cheating behind my back.yet right now,it's all in front of me.

i should've trusted my instincts when i read the texts she sent to u rather than believing ur words.it's past 14months we've been together..maybe u're off for some adventure..or maybe u want something more..and maybe she has wat i dun have.but honestly,i cant think of anything that she has that i don't.i'm brave enough and confident enough to say that i am much better than her and i dun need anyone else to tell me that im wrong.she may be older than me,or u..but that doesnt mean she noes well of wat's right or wat's wrong.hell,her bf's my neighbour for fuck's sake.

to think of wat u did u to me is absolutely absurd.for the first time i am speechless and nothing came to mind.not rage,not arguments,nothing.just plain shocked and disappointment.

it's time that i believe in myself and not your words.or anybody else's.i know that when u say ur 'i love yous' and 'i miss yous' are all sincere.but i would never noe whether it was meant for someone else...and i dunno how much that love weighs anymore.

i dun care about u telling me not to publicise our problems..see the thing here is that...this is my life now..no longer ours..

strike one,that 4months into the relationship i saw the text of u saying u missed her.(and u noe whom i'm talking about.)i trusted u still,i belived in you still,i gave u a chance. strike two,u lied saying u went out with ur uncle,but actually u were out with a fren of ours.i gave in,gave another chance. strike three,u did this. isn't this when they say.."you're out."?

you cheated.plain simple as that.

**i dont write names coz their names dun deserve to be in my blog.
neither in my life anymore.

.left.with.hearts.to.mend.

2009-03-21T05:39:00.002+08:00

missed me?well i miss this.

hello everyone..after prolly a week or so of not blogging,well here i am..how's u doin?well, i hope..to whoever that reads..lady gaga had been of a great help of keeping me getting my momentum of working..the songs had been great..

work had been a bitch as always..i received the confirmation letter after completing 3 months into the company and a little bit of increment..so now i bring home more..well,good news for that..however bad news as a huge sum of my pay will be given for my bills.sucks,isnt it..note to self,never call overseas using m1.

ej and i are doing great..as said in the previous entry,after the attempt of breaking up,things got better,but still with arguments..well,all relationships face that,rite?he's still sweet as ever..sending,fetching,calling and all the things that had been wished and prayed..so kudos to that,im holding on..

social life is totally zero.i've not met up with any of my frens,except those that i might have bumped into or impromptu decision to mit up.ppl whom i've not met for a very,very long time..my babes especially..tsue,rai,ira and nysh..god..been a very fuckin long time..and i have only myself to blame..working night had been sucha bitch..but that's the only way to feed myself,isn't it..i am very,very sorry..weekends are like for him..no..prolly on friday/saturday for him while sundays are my resting day..yet,i just cant find time to somehow meet up..i only have myself to blame..

bro's coming back from qatar come 27 this month..yes!!!he's getting me my laptop!!!oh yeah,baby!!i am super sexcited and am thankful..actually i had to remind him..and he wanted to give another alternative..but being the brat i am,he finally gave in.which i had to ask ej,pipi and wan wtf is a 'portable desktop'.yea...i noe.a total bimbo.

pipi's getting married this july..4 july 2009 to be exact..my bday week,sia..and am dreading it actually..coz of my bday week,then like it means she and ally wont be ard at home anymore..and hell i am gonna miss her..okay..im like so tearing rite now..but she's the one that had been listening to my problems these past few days..there's always frens..but it's pretty different..as much i see my babes as my blood sisters,it's easier to talk to someone whom u see everyday and tell her wat's on ur mind..and one thing for sure..im gonna miss my angel,alethea..fug..it's hitting me..

later after ej finish his session at wan's place,off to mit him...night,off to mit hafiz the uncle...

i feel fucking depressed rite now and i dun even noe why.

.stupid.billing.system.can.eff.themselves.

2009-03-10T23:57:00.002+08:00

hello everyone.how's you?

imma make this very brief since it's been awhile
and it ain't nice to make others believe that it's realli over.
so wat's new?we are together still.
however,im pretty pissed at the moment.
i have tons of work to do.
needless to say,a personal assistant's a must for me.
even if only for a week,well i don't mind..
as long as end of each day i can finish the huge pile,rather than keeping it for 2mrw.
and the routine would continue.

since claims department could have one,
why not me..??regardless im new..
im overpresurrized with all the work.
if there's such word.
it's really,really tiring..
and it's exhausting as things are still not good between us.
of love,arguments and quarrels.
who doesnt go thru it all,rite?
but im too tired of everything.
once again.

okay i gotta get back to work.
as i said..
tons of work to do.
trust me.
i actually lost it yesterday and screamed.
eventhough now we've shifted to uob building,which is by singapore river,
i chose to shout in the office.
out of frustration.
and my colleagues got shocked.
no heart attacks.
after shouting,feel better?
no.i cried.
coz im a brat and a crybaby like that.

and blogging right now ssssooo doesnt decrease this pile.
i'll come back later to fill it all in.
as usual,with details.
back to work,dids.

.5th.of.march.2thousand9.

2009-03-05T03:07:00.003+08:00

keep..holding on...

that song by avril lavigne kept playing in my head the whole day..yet i didn't do anything abt it..just let it play freely in my mind..i woke up with a start,thinking he texted me..instead,someone else..i went back to sleep.anticipating,cheking my mobile and gng though my texts..wouldnt noe if i opened my incoming texts while being asleep..none from him..i hoped again..endlessly..

wat is the secret to your sin?of paranoia.of insecurity.of drama.of hopes,dreams and wishing.impulsive.forgetting someone is by hating them..that is easier for me to do..but there's no way that i could hate him..there's nothing that i could hate him for..he had been the most perfect imperfect person i ever could come across..

hell,where would u find someone that couldnt contain his excitement and gush out the planned surprise..yet,end of it,u're still shocked and surprised by it all..where would u find someone that would go all the way from yishun..taking 2 buses of an hour journey long to just fetch his gf at the void deck..for this 13months++ he had nvr failed that routine,only if there's a reason not to..where would u find someone that would pamper his gf so much that he accepts the fact that she's a brat and spoiled her even more..where would u find someone that would cry shamelessly and u still think that he is a real man because he teared.

i chose this and i shouldn't turn back.maybe now is too early for me to end things.but wat i could foresee,an end to this relationship will happen once everything else starts for him..it's not easy..yea..im not strong enuf neither am i up to the challenge..but maybe there's too much sacrifices and too much pain that i've gone thru in this relationship with him that i just cant face anymore fallen hopes or even not seeing him..

disappointment.he couldnt assure me with the questions that i asked.all u said was u don't know.so how am i to know,ej?insecurity got the best of me..regrets?i will one day.coz there's nobody that i will ever find to have such character in him,neither would any be able to do the things he does as mentioned earlier.

he truly is a great guy.so they say.."hold on to the person u love..not the person u like". there's nvr a person that i like at the first place..it had always been just him..the break up is just coz of obstacles that's gonna make my life tumble.and yea,im not up for it..not anymore..as i said to u,love..when u suffer,i suffer much more...

i called to hear ur voice..im still in denial..i can just eat my words and we can start all over again..but i noe that in days/weeks/months to come,we'll still be stuck in the situation we are currently in..and u still wont be able to assure me..so wat am i to do?linger ard to get hurt still?or make use of the time..and then let go?

i dunno y but im still wearing the engagement ring..and im still wearing the ring that marks our beginning..im still wearing the black cable wire that only YOU know what it means..and your name is still impaled in my heart,intact within my skin and carved in the sky..i don't know when it will all go away..i don't even know when i would want it to go away..

maybe i should take back my words and we'll be together again..and maybe...just maybe..i need u right now at the most to clear this pregnant mind of mine and enlighten me.i need you at the most right now..but u're nowhere..neither were u anywhere when we talked about the problem we're facing..that's the thing,ej..you were nvr there to give me assurances..and i cant live without it,knowing how i can think to the extend of misery.now, where are you..

chrystalline tears rolled down blushed cheeks as each time her heart beats,it's all slowly fading..fading..?never had been..pounding hard your name with mine as i tried and tried to make believe..in denial as i can be as the memories replayed fresh in mind..never i thought it could be so hard..falling,falling..the end of our journey..no...never i thought it could be this hard..

.on.the.fourth.of.march.two.thousand.and.nine.

2009-03-04T02:42:00.003+08:00

how do i say it..where should i start..

"just forget it.everything's over,okay..just forget about it all.."i see myself staring at the monitor..yet wat i saw; blank and my vision got blurry as drops of tears rolled down my cheeks."what have i done?the best?"i saw myself asking.i wouldn't be surprised if i see myself chasing after him again and eating my own words a few days/weeks later..but i noe that i'm tired of chasing after him..so i dun think that will happen anymore...

to have someone listen to my words and the least to understand my situation was very hard to come by..as i called out his name,only to hear the dead silence.thinking he was asleep and being frustrated as whatever i said was all wasted,i hung up and called again..asking.."were u asleep?"..and the response he gave just made me raging mad..i was disappointed..u said that u cant even remember eventhough it was sheer 2 seconds ago..and all the answers i needed the whole day..ur reply was that u don't even noe..so how am i to get assurance from u?

all these while it had always been the same answers u gave me..and all this while i held on by assuring myself that u are truly the one..that u're the one that make miracles happen and u're the only one i believe in..the one that i can be hopeful for for anything.but wat happens if one day it all had vanish into thin air?wat happened to the person i hope for?and it all had become such fallen hopes all over again..

suffering is wat's been through..and i complied..to compromise..to hold on..to go thru thick and thin together..regardless we'll love each other..and every-single-thing i've told u and u've told me..but i dun need myself to suffer anymore..i took this choice to go thru this with u..but i dun expect to make myself be in a position where i'll suffer much more than i already am.the pain is unbearable.i can't do this.

and u not assuring me anymore or at all..it made things harder...as now we're letting go..
i hope after the rank that u've got,well..may the best be with u..

my love for u had never been gone..but if i were to choose between happiness or more sufferings?i would choose the former..coz i can't take the latter anymore..not when it's gonna be worst than wat i've been through..

i've always loved you,baby..but loving someone is not the only answer to a happy ending..
now,be good.

p/s: a day late but anyhoos..A BIG SHOUTOUT TO HAFIZ THE UNCLE..HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

.that.4.days.in.your.arms.

2009-03-03T04:42:00.012+08:00

FAT.

nose!!

watching shadows embrace on youtube.LOL!!!

tara love.

once again,in the cubicle.HAHA!

now's the time that i really need u,baby..

how's ur weekends?mine was tiring hence the result of today,being shattered..beyond shagged..lethargic..exhausted..and well,u got the idea..anw,i didnt realli elaborate much about ej's arrival,huh?well,i reached in time as the boys were all getting their luggage as his parents and i waited at the entrance for him..he was surprised seeing me..hurhur...as planned =) and we all ate at mcdees for breakfast.sweet enuf to send me off in the cab,whilst his parents,another.reached my house and he went in as well.talked to mum..played with tara as pipi got out from the room,awoken by us..so ej shared his moments in brunei..after abt an hour or so he decided to head off for home as he was tired..sent him off,bringing tara along to take cab back home..

that friday night i had to work..he fetched me at the void deck and we head to raffles..okay..i swear i cant remember whether we had dinner or whether we walked ard of stuffs like it.brain really cant work at the mo'.but i noe that we had a stick with zahid before we all part ways..him,miting zul to watch midnight movie..

next day everything was planned..to go to wan and andrew's gig at arts house..we had a tiff..i decided to sleep in..overslept as i finally woke up at 5pm.took a cab to esplanade mall as he was there along with kak ain and naaz..super random to bump into them..was at esp as kak ain's fren was performing..decided to join.note,i have not eaten the whole day.no breakfast,lunch nor dinner..so ej and i went off to breeks to have dinner..bfore that bought zul's present,wallet from topman which im glad he loved it..and yea..another tiff.fug..i think im really beyond control about my pms moments,really..

oh yeah!!he paid for my accessories in which i superbly love!!!thank you sayang!!then after we bought "celely..watermeloon"HAHAHAH...okay.inside joke,but bought drinks at that particular shop and played in the rain..i love it..where instead of cuddling,u walk in the rain,hand in hand with ur loved one and just embrace it all..just because it's realli a calming feeling..well thats how i feel..while for him,"rain?hell yea i can withstand it."-.- trying to be macho,boy??anw,we walked to suntec..we fooled ard..past 11pm..the queue for cabs were effing long..tried to call..network busy..blardy..we became fools as we hailed a cab at the bus stop.GOT IT!!!

from one to another as finally we rested..bliss..

took a cab to his place..thunderstorm as i held tara close..his mum and grandma greeted me and were so happy i brought my little niece.regardless the aftermath of rain and constant remindings from both his mum and grandma we took a cab to zul's still.a whole lot of relatives were there..kenduri..thank god tara slept thru it all..ej is really sucha sweetheart as fags were calling my name as sid and me went to the void deck...amber is so big she's really mischievous,really..god..but anw,ej??i swear to u if ever the children that one day i might carry is his,they will be the luckiest kids alive..regardless zul being in the other room where he can join..he was in the other room playing with tara..taking care of her..super possessive,but god..i feel so wowified..and a compliment was given.."u have the fatherly look...the potential.." and sid said to him before we all go off for home.."u'll be a great father,bro.." and i cant help but to feel such warmth enveloping me..im proud..

cabbed back home as i passed tara to mum as me and ej had our supper at mcdees..watched videos on the ipod at neptune as we laughed our ass off..time ticked by as i clicked away..before midnight,off he cabbed back home..

he sent me off to work today..before that we had dinner at pastamania which made me shat.

okay.im done.

doubt any of u read till the end..coz it's very,very long..

well,i love details...hee...

happy tuesday morning,glory..

and baby?i really miss you..

.enraged.

2009-02-28T04:09:00.002+08:00

i'm pretty much PISSED OFF.

it's simply stupid to place non-speaking ENGLISH people to be in the service line.regardless as a customer service officer,a waitress or even at e cashier.unluckily for me,i encountered one today at cheers,lau pa sat.

past midnight as we went there to buy food.the rest at the shops,myself getting chips and drinks at Cheers store.getting 2 bottles of pokka tea,chips and mentos,i head to the counter to pay.she separated my bags.im not anal at all about stuffing everything in one bag.hell,save the earth.so with my colleagues next in line to wait/pay for their own items,i told the lady at the counter to place everything in one bag.she gave a questioning look.i repeated. "u can just put everything in 1 plastic bag."

replied.

soejfosnfwuegtipwubgwkgnewkgnekghqwpnuirthwifnkwqlnfkgn.

i gave a fucking pissed off look.DO U FUCKING THINK THAT IM A FUCKING CHINESE OR EVEN SOMEONE THAT UNDERSTAND SO FUCKING WELL OF THAT LANGUAGE THAT U DARE TO EVEN REPLY ME IN MANDARIN???I FIND IT FUCKING RUDE OR EVEN INSULTING FOR FUCKING YOU TO REPLY TO ME IN THAT WHOLE FUCKING SENTENCE.OF SAYING "THERE'S NO BIG BAGS ANYMORE" (my colleague translated for me)THE FUCKING LEAST U CAN DO IS TO JUST SAY U CANT ANSWER OR TO HAND GESTURE OR SOMETHING.DON'T FUCKING EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU'RE IN MY FUCKING COUNTRY AND IF U DUNNO HOW TO REPLY,PLEASE DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND SIMPLY FUCK OFF.

i dunnoe wat the fuck singapore is doing.it's disgusting,revolting and suchs like it.regardless they earn way lesser than us or singaporeans dun wish to take up that job,but to place a non-speaking english person who is from china with thick fucking accent.fuck.i really find it insulting and totally a racist issue.if im a chinese person and if i get a reply such as that,i wouldnt mind.coz i can understand and reply as well.regardless of race,LANGUAGE or religion.RRRIIIITTTTTEEEEE....

i am too pissed off,really..the fact that it's at laupasat and one of the tourist's attraction due to food and the historical building,it is just plain stupid,dumbfuck and racist.

and ej?if u've planned something for us i would go.but being selfless doesnt mean that that cant piss me off.period.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FHIL BABY!!!!!

.waiting.for.take.off.

2009-02-27T05:13:00.002+08:00

OHMYGOD!!!!

im counting down the hours and minutes eversince the clock stroke midnight.work is sucha bitch as after learning something new,my work is more than wat i've been doing.

billing sure sounds like an accounting job,realli..wat with the debit ntoes and credit notes..thank god i do have higher nitec cert in accounting.hell,i gotta recount and shits like it.billing from the broker(my company)to the insurer for the client.bloody hell then after i gotta draft then after the servicers sign.after they sign,i gotta photocopy or grab the intermediary copy and then send out.and then it all starts all over again.

pretty hectic as i was running all over the place.and since i'll be fetching him,im wearing killer heels which is super not helping at all to make sure i wont fall.well,i was practically running to the printer,back to my workstation.thank god i didnt trip.

FUCKING CANT WAIT!!6.40am i'll be leaving the office and surprise him.and to think he said he'll fetch me.lmfao!!!!
okay people!!i gotta ssssoo continue this workload.
till then,cheers!!!!

MUHAMMAD RAFNEEZAN U MAKE MY HEART GO THUMPIN MAD RIGHT NOW!!!

.when.it.was.an.end.to.the.beginning.

2009-02-26T04:46:00.003+08:00

things might've ended by itself....i guess..

hello world..im anticipating the moment so bad..2mrw morning he'll be back..and well,i'll be giving him a surprise as i'll be fetching him at the airport..have yet to call mama to tell her since they'll be fetching him.gotta plan together,see..so that if he reaches first bfore me,they can stall the time..coz HE plans to fetch me at work instead at 7.30am..hahaha...

so imma get out from the office by say 6.40am..by then will reach airport ard 7.15 or prolly a bit later than that..and am thinking of getting him flowers.no?i dunno..kinda weird to present him with a bouquet of flowers,actually..since he'll be out from the gate with the rest of the army boys..ok screw that idea..just me,myself would make it fine.. :D GAH!!!!!!CANT WAIT,REALLY!!!and that was the first to receive a text from a guy saying 'btw,im camwhoring' omg..really..to get some guy say that and admit to wat he's doing with a bunch of other guys,is just...*slaps forehead*

A HUGE SHOUTOUT TO ZUL!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

i called at 2359..thinking of singing a bday song..but he was actually sleeping.sheesh!otw to lau pa sat to have supper with my colleagues,he called me.by then it was past midnight.so much of a surprise..instant reaction as to sing a bday song oh-so-loudly.forgetting that it was just me alone..usually either i'll make a conference call with others or to sing with a group of frens,see..kinda forgot about that so the other 2 colleagues of mine had a surprised,mouth agaped and eye-popping time for a bit.ha...expression?priceless.

check out 7eightnine at esp.it's a restaurant which is more like a chill out place..with live band and awesome ambience,u'll not regret going there.this guy approached me while having a fag at my workplace.introducing the 2-3month old place and all..a vip card just for me and i'll get to order 1for1,2for2 and up to 7for7 kinda thing.so imagine i get 2 glasses of wine,i'll get the other 2 for free...and the food?finger food,tapaz and course meals..so that goes for 1for1 as well!!and the dessert?reading the names and the description can make u salivate.or for me just having triple orgasm in my mind.all i see was dark choc in the menu..*bites lips*

so isnt it great?bring ur frens..get 7for7 or 5for5 or depends on the number of ppl and the price will be so reasonable.coz there's live band,it's at esplanade and it's cheap,balls!but wait.thing is,u gotta be approached by those ppl to get that vip access card..and the saddest part of it all?i have yet to pay the amount of $30.i am introducing to u all when i've yet to experience it.LOFUCKINGL LA SIA!!!but really..wat i say as above is true!!!about the promotion..ends on 31march09..so come down to raffles place between 8pm-10pm and find guys in white shirts and red landyards.hAHAHAHAHAH..

okay im done.WITH WORK AND IT'S ONLY 5.10AM!!!!off for a nap and more surfing
tra~~ bitches.

.of.two.hearts.

2009-02-25T04:33:00.004+08:00

my little angel,ally..

yes,in the toilet havin a smoke.

when you're gone..

pay day kicked in..transferred money,payed my bills.within 15mins after checking my pay,i've already used 1k doing all that.like omfg!!yea..the amount left is wat i need to survive on till 25 next month.thank god gst will be in prolly by the 28 or end of the month..at least 200bucks extra would've helped me to breathe easy still...well,hopefully..

the amount of work is overwhelming..but noe,wat?im left with only 1 more folder to do..kudos to self..i am very,very,very exhausted and it tires me out the most when i break the momentum of doing from one document to another..suffer now..next month they'll review my performance..better do my best.hell,i've done my best since day1..it's like 3 months already working in this company.a few changes as the director sent an e-mail saying that i have 7servicers under my name.while the senior ones have prolly 6 only??1servicer makes a huge difference,okay.their pending documents in my in-tray is very-oh-so high.regardless end of day i clear it out,i wouldnt be one to be used in this company.it says so much of how i worked at NTUC Income(former company)and got the highest leads at one point of time.they pushed me..i did my best.somehow it became part of me to give my utmost effort everyday.wat do i get at the end of it?nothing.touche

on friday morning ej will be back..and i am anticipating the day that i'll be in his arms again..i realli miss him..thank god not as much back then during bmt where i cry in most of the calls and i felt too darn lonely.i do feel lonely and empty somehow but work took over the loneliness and well,my sleep.

to hell with my previous entries,realli..i just wanna delete it,but let's just ignore it when i chance upon it,yea?it's depressing when i read it again..sympathizing myself not.it's just the heart will be where it was and feel how it felt each time i read it.and the feeling's pretty fucked up.

happy wednesday morning,daisies..

.i.wish.i.could.be.every.little.thing.u.wanted.all.the.time.

2009-02-24T02:39:00.004+08:00

the truth about greater humanity is what we're oblivious to.Lucky,when we think about it.

my line's been disrupted due to outstanding amount.i fucked m1 bad..inclusive of the manager as i called on sunday saying i'll settle my payment on the 25th since that'll be my pay day.the person said okay.today i woke up and i cant text/call no more.that's when the lashing began.apparently my upcoming bill is like 900++ yes..fucking hell i was like wtf!!totally jumped outta bed when he infomed me of that amount..due to overseas calls..god..hence bcoz of the high amount they can't give leeway for me to pay on the 25..though it's only fucking 2 more days..or 2mrw,since it's already the 24th right now.so i think i'll settle this month's bill and just pay $900..so that that upcoming bill will be lesser..hell,i'd be left with only $1k.not enuf still to survive..well suffer now then later,rite?

called tsue by office phone just now and she laughed her ass off when i told her that my line's been disrupted.she laughed her ass off..yes,that's how much a bestfren she is..

i feel super bored and weird without any texting or calling..in the end i see myself playing with the game in my phone.bah!

.cigarettes.and.chocolate.milk.

that song makes me high..with that drony and monotonous voice of rufus wainwright..everything seems to be all settled and cooled down..things had not been well to be honest..what with the m1 bill and all..sigh..everything just have to overfuck me.

she said that we'll be giving each other the cold shoulder for a few weeks or so..then only we realise things will be alright..hhmm...i dunno..somehow i thank god that i can't text no more..coz a reply was so promising to wat u just texted..it hurts still,really...it's weird to come to think of it..the last person i could ever imagine hurting me..but somehow u did..and it did..prolly a question of how so..but i myself cant answer that..just that the heart's real bruised at the moment..

regrets,regrets...no point of it..if i could turn back time,hell i'd redo every single thing i did wrong from the start of my life..but there's no use of it now..wat's been done is done...somehow i foresee that if ever i bump into u..i'll just give a stoned face.without hello nor smile..neither vengeance nor to spite..but i guess that's really me...to block self with a wall to not feel anything at that point of time..till u're gone..

i still feel like a fool..embarrassed and all..it's like u anticipate for the wrong thing,at the wrong timing..coz it'll nvr be mine.."dun wanna lose u just yet even as frens"..hell,i dun even noe im up to it for the former or latter..all i noe is that i should've taken back all the words that's been told and kept my mouth shut.it's nvr gonna be the same...and i cant go about bitching anymore with u..coz it'll nvr be the same..nvr be the same..if ever i see u again,that's the time that i truly dread the most..coz i noe that i've hurt a person or two..and that u hurt me too.

well,just continue with wat life gives,isn't it?

.back.in.2007.

2009-02-20T00:57:00.004+08:00

slaughterhouse massacre 07..

tsue the bestie

back in school with the only ppl i would ever be with

outing with didi1 back at fort road 07

super macam paham

rai the bestie's bday 07